The Anomaly Known As Life
by WalrusOfDestiny
Summary: After four years, the Pines twins are finally allowed back to Gravity Falls. Now, Dipper Pines must deal with the two things that no Journal could ever prepare him for: girls and growing up. To face these trials, he must learn to conquer his fears, tackle his inner demons, and get in the habit of showering regularly. That last one should not be an issue though. That's just gross.
1. Pace Yourself

Chapter 1: Pace Yourself

Pacifica Northwest was pacing her room. This was not a particularly unusual action for her to take. At the tender age of 16, the stress of dealing with her social life, school, and parents required some sort of release, and her personal choice was healthy exercise in the form of borderline-frantic pacing. What was highly unusual, however, was the cause of her stress. Glowing brightly on her phone screen, shining as a beacon she could not ignore, was a single message from Dipper Pines: _Hey! Guess what? Mom and Dad_ _finally decided to let us stay with_ _Grunkles Stan and Ford_ _again_ _! Mabel and I are coming back to Gravity Falls for the summer! WOO!_

She was stressed out over how to respond. She only had 15 minutes left of her allotted "understandable time to not check your phone". What should she go with? What about a smiley face? Not enough effort. Dipper might think she was giving him the cold shoulder. Couldn't be a one-word response either. Had to be something decently long, that conveyed her genuine happiness, but not too much of it. _Great! Super excited to see you again!_ Nope. Absolutely not. She probably shouldn't use an exclamation point. Definitely shouldn't use Ugh, why was this so hard?

She really didn't see why she cared so much. Sure, she had had a tiny crush on him before he left. Sure, based on Facelook pictures he had only gotten more attractive with age. But whatever. They were friends. It totally did not matter that he was incredibly cute, kind, smart, and witty. Not at all. She was not going to get all panicky over some old childhood crush. Besides, even if she did still have a slight crush on him (which she didn't), he was only here for the summer. There was absolutely no point in caring so much.

* * *

Dipper Pines paced his room. He had a new invention/present for the gang in Gravity Falls, but the prototypes had a critical flaw, one that he needed to try fixing. His train of thought was interrupted, however, when his phone buzzed in his pocket. Soos and Wendy had been messaging him nonstop since he had told them the news. It wasn't like he wasn't going to respond. He was just as excited as they were. While checking his messages, he noted with some dismay that Pacifica still had yet to respond. Towards the end of summer, he and Mabel had actually become good friends with the heiress, and had kept up a somewhat decent communication over text via the years. Or maybe she had just been polite, and thought he was super annoying? And the idea of him returning made her angry? Had the "WOO" been too much? It had probably been too much. Or what if another Northwest-hating ghost had attacked the manor and something terrible happened? But no, that wasn't likely. She was probably just out on the town, hanging with friends and hadn't noticed it, normal teenager stuff. But it was Gravity Falls, weird shit central. Maybe he could ask Soos to-

"You're murmuring to yourself again," a teasing voice called out. He turned to the door of his room to see his sister, Mabel. "So, why do you freak, geek?"

Dipper resumed pacing, hiding his phone with his body. "Nothing," he muttered. "Science stuff, you wouldn't understand."

"I understand that that's an unanswered text from Pacifica," she noted, peeking over his shoulder. "And that you're a total loser! Haha!"

"Mabel!" Dipper cried, leaning away while covering his phone. He had never figured out her ability to move through space so quickly and quietly. "You can't just look at someone else's phone like that!"

"Sure I can! The people from that surveillance thingy do it, and they're the government, so it must be legal!"

"First of all, the NSA is what you mean. The legality is in question, and on that matter, all of my wireless connections are encrypted."

"Well, are they encrypted against… the Skeptacles?" Mabel asked, forming an oh-so familiar gesture around her eyes. "Because it seems to me that you're muttering about the fact that Pacifica hasn't texted you back. Getting awfully concerned, maybe a little too concerned for just a friend."

Oh no, Matchmaker Mabel was making an appearance. "It's not like that, Mabel!" he insisted. "I'm just worried that something bad might have happened to her or something!"

"Skeptaclleeeees," she sang.

"You should get those those lenses checked then," Dipper remarked. "Because there is nothing going on between me and Pacifica. Ever. So don't try anything."

"Okay, okay, I know when I'm not wanted."

"I know you know that. It's the fact that you don't care if people don't want you butting in that bothers me."

"Aw geez, bro. I'm just trying to help. I introduced you to Jenna, didn't I? You guys had a lot of fun."

"Sure, up until I actually asked her out and she rejected me, making me 0 for 2."

"What? You cannot be counting Wendy. You didn't even have a chance with her."

"Yeah, but I thought I did when I was 12, making the pain of rejection just as real as it was with Jenna! Thereby totally counting!"

"See, it's because you sit in your room making weird stats for yourself rather than just going out there that you absolutely need my help!"

"For the last time, Mabel, I'm not you!" he snapped. "I can't just 'go out there'! I don't have that confidence! And if, just this once, that would finally get through to you, that would be greatly appreciated!"

The air, now devoid of noise, was filled with tension. Dipper very rarely lost his temper at Mabel. She knew she had to give him some space for a bit. "Right, sorry, Bro Bro, just wanted to help. I'll stop bothering you now."

Quick as she came, Mabel left the room. Dipper resumed pacing. He knew that he shouldn't have snapped at her like that. It was just, he couldn't keep up with her pace anymore. He was finding her overbearing more and more frequently lately. He had his way of doing things, she had hers. He understood that, but she had yet to fully come to terms with it, and frankly, the faster she realized, the easier life would be for both of them.

His attention immediately turned away from Mabel, however, when his screen glowed with a text from Pacifica: _Awesome! When do you guys get up here?_

* * *

Stan Pines paced the basement lab of the Mystery Shack frantically. "I frankly don't see what you are so worried about," Ford spoke, not taking his eyes from his microscope. "Rather, I would have thought that you would be elated. The kids are coming up in a week."

"You kidding? I'm the happiest I've been since they left! I'm just nervous too. They aren't those adorable little kids anymore. Didn't you see the picture Wendy showed us? Ford, Mabel has boobs now!" he cried exasperatedly. "Just saying that's given me another ulcer!"

"You didn't really expect them to be twelve forever, did you?" Ford asked, amused.

"A man can dream, Ford. A man can dream."

"Well, at least I knew this was going to happen. That's part of growing up. It's natural for them to become adults. Best we accept it as is."

"Oh, ok. Riddle me this then, Mr. Wise and Mighty. What happens if Dipper is too cool to play Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons with you, huh? What then? Gonna 'accept it as is', are ya?"

Ford paused, the microscopic termites that devoured everything momentarily forgotten. "Dipper is as much a nerd as I am, Stanley. I don't think he'll have changed to be 'cool' or anything that unrecognizable," he replied, but there was a waver of doubt in his voice.

"See? We won't know until we see 'em. But that's not what worries me most."

"And what is?" Ford asked reluctantly. He didn't really want to know what was worse than losing his DD&MoreD buddy.

Stan sighed, and sat down on Ford's desk, papers wrinkling under him. "They're a lot like us, Ford," he noted somberly. "Towards the end of summer, no matter how much I tried, all I could see was a ticking time bomb, one college brochure from blowing up. Kerblam. My two favorite people in the world, at each other's throats. I don't want to see that, Ford. I really don't."

Ford could not think of anything to say. He was a scientist, a man of reason and rationale. What Stan suggested was historically-proven and logically the most likely fate that awaited the two. His silence hung in the air, as an acknowledgment of what was to come. Stan continued his pacing.

* * *

To: Wendy, Soos

5/29/2016 4:32 PM

 **Dipper:** _Hey! Guess what? Mom and Dad finally decided to let us stay with Grunkles Stan and Ford again! Mabel and I are coming back to Gravity Falls for the summer! WOO!_

 **Soos** _: DUDE! DUDE! DUJOJBIINI_

 **Wendy:** _Literally just watched Soos have a seizure from pure excitement. It was hilarious. But forget that! This is insanely awesome! How'd you guys convince your folks?_

 **D:** _Years of constant petitioning, strong reasoning, and convincing our parents that we could handle the danger. Plus, a week ago, Mabel figured out how to hold her breath until she passed out. That was definitely the catalyst needed._

 **W:** _Mabel is hardcore! Rock on, Mabel!_

 **D:** _Tell me about it. Thanks to her, we'll be up at the Mystery Shack in a week!_

 **S:** _DUDE! WE HAVE TO LASER TAG!_

 **D:** _Hey, Soos! You recovered!_

 **S:** _Yeah, scared a few customers away though. But dude! This is seriously the best thing ever! I thought your parents hated Mr. Pines!_

 **W:** _Scroll up, Soos._

 **S:** _Oh. Haha. My bad. Go Hambone._

 **W:** _Go Hambone. You guys gonna go on some more crazy adventures? I'm down if you are._

 **S:** _Aw, yeah, the Mystery Twins! Plus Soos, their lovable sidekick!_

 **W:** _What am I then?_

 **D:** _The chick. Your sole purpose is to stand around and be a girl._

 **W:** _Well, somebody just offered to provide snacks for Movie Night the entire summer._

 **D:** _...Have I ever mentioned how much I appreciate having you on the team?_

 **W:** _You muttered it under your breath every now and then._

 **S:** _Oh man, he totally did do that!_

 **D:** _Great. Glad we've brought that up so I can be crippled with embarrassment by it for the rest of summer. Thanks, gang._

 **W:** _No probs, buddy._

* * *

 **Author's Note: Checklist for the first chapter: 1) Get all central emotional themes established or at least foreshadowed. 2) Make a sweet pun in the title. 3) Portray teenage texting as complete sentences, which is hilariously incorrect, but far more convenient to read than the autocorrected garble we all actually use. All objectives complete. Huzzah.**

 **So, this is a thing. After binge-watching Gravity Falls last week, the SS Dipifica voyaged around my personal mindscape until it encountered the Fanfiction Continent and here we all are. Thank you for reading the first chapter, and I hope you stay tooned! Haha, TV pun!**


	2. State of the Reunion

Chapter 2: State of the Reunion

Pacifica was eating lunch with her friends, talking about their plans for the summer. It was the last day of finals. They were in their usual spot, the center of the courtyard of Northwest High School. Anyone who wanted to look around at the school grounds would have to look at that table, and revel in the fact they would never be as cool as the people sitting there. It was an oasis, a table that no normal student dare approach. At least, it was until she happened. The she-monster, Grenda, in full view of everyone, and with absolutely no shame, ran up to their table. Pacifica knew that she was a good person, she was a close friend of Mabel's, but still, being the best wrestler of the _boy's_ Varsity team did her no favors. "Pacifica!" she cried out, in that unfortunately deep voice. "We're throwing a surprise party for the Pines twins! It's going to be at the Mystery Shack on Sunday! Be sure to arrive before 4 o'clock, because that's when they're going to get there!"

And then she just stood there, waiting for Pacifica's answer. Good God, did she have _any_ tact? Pacifica could feel the burning stares of her friends as this all played out. She could feel the shocked looks and murmurs of the entire courtyard. Seriously, this was the worst possible way to invite her. It didn't help that she really wanted to go. But how could she say yes? That was tantamount to saying she hung out with the loser crowd, and the reputation she worked so hard for would be gone in a few shocked tweets. Now she realized she had been deliberating too long. She had to play it off. "Pines… Oh, you mean that kid who got rid of that ghost for us years ago?" she asked, pretending that she had been trying to remember. "Sure, whatever. I guess I should stop by and pay him or something."

"AWESOME!" she whooped, throwing her hands in the air. "We're gonna have a cool girl at our party! Mabel's gonna be psyched!"

And with that, she ran off, leaving the cool kids to recover from the fallout of that non sequitur of a conversation. "Pacifica," one of her friends whispered. "Are you serious about going to the Shitty Shack? Wasn't Mabel Pines that crazy sweater girl?"

Pacifica flipped her hair back. "Oh please, like I'd actually want to go there," she lied. "I'm just going to go up there, remind those losers of their place for even thinking of inviting me to their lame party, then maybe I'll break some of those dumb artifacts, just because."

Her friends laughed. "Dude, you should totally, like, trash the place," one of the boys suggested. "Serves those old dudes right for being so old and creepy."

"Oh my god, right?! I saw one of them at the grocery store the other day! He had this stupid little hat on, like, gross. Get a life."

As her friends laughed and joked, a young, angry voice rang in Pacifica's head. _"You're just like your parents, another link in the world's worst chain."_ She shook her head. She did not need to see that horrible memory right now. She wasn't like her parents. Sure, she had lied at the Pines' expense, but everyone told white lies to get along in high school. It's not like she was doing this to hurt anyone. Besides, she and Dipper were friends now. At least, he was friends with the non-bitchy Pacifica, the Pacifica who didn't insult him and his sister to get by. That thought failed to make her feel better.

* * *

Dipper Pines adjusted his bang in the bus window. Satisfied that it properly covered his birthmark, he turned back to the two screens of his 3DX and continued his game. Mabel was sitting right next to him knitting, with Waddles lying over both of their laps.

"How are your commissions coming along?" Dipper asked, not taking his eyes off of Carby, who was on his epic quest to eat everything in sight.

"They are coming along nicely. This one's for a girl in Nevada, she says she wants it to be cowboy-themed. That's going to be super fun. And another guy in Florida wants me to make an FDR wax sculpture for his wax museum. How's the zit cream going?"

Dipper scratched his chin. "Well gosh, I'd like to check the website to see, but it would be impossible, since the signal isn't that good up here, unless, of course, I have a portable modem-router!"

Mabel rolled her eyes as he paused his game to check. "You are such a dork."

"Yeah well, this dork has unwavering HDO Go, Webflix, and YouView all day everyday, so who's laughing now? Also, a couple boxes have been bought, so it is going good."

"See, aren't you glad you got that horrible acne? It made you a profit in the end."

"In a way, sure. It didn't have to be that bad though. I looked like Deadtide without his mask on."

"That's all Geek to me!"

"Nice. Trust me, it was a funny analogy. I'll tell Soos when I see him."

"Oh my god! We are totally seeing Soos! And Wendy! And Grunkle Stan! And Grunkle Ford!" she cheered, hyperactively drumming Waddles' back, letting her herself feel the full excitement of re-realizing where they were heading.

Dipper let himself get caught up in the excitement. "This is gonna be so awesome!" he added, putting down his game to join in on drumming Waddles. "Waddles, are you pumped?"

"Waddles!" Mabel cheered.

"Waddles!" Dipper echoed.

"Waddles!"

The bus PA clicked on. "Would the passengers with the pig please keep quiet? We only allowed that on board because you threatened to knock yourself unconscious if we didn't. You are on thin ice."

"Sorry!" Mabel and Dipper chimed.

"Waddles," Mabel cheered under her breath.

Dipper laughed and looked out the window again. "Man, it really has been too long. Do you think Sheriff Blubs has been fired yet?"

Mabel laughed. "If no one fired him during that summer, he's good for life."

"Yeah, probably. Hey do you think-"

His question was stopped as Mabel drew a sharp breath and grabbed his forearm with a pincer-like grip. The bus was stopping. This was the moment. The moment they had been been waiting for for four years. Mabel hurriedly shoved her knitting materials into her purse, and picked Waddles up and placed him on the floor. Dipper put his 3DX and phone back in his pockets. They got up and sprinted to the door of the bus, Waddles at their heels. As the doors creaked open, they saw a sight they had dreamed of every night. Their great-uncles were standing before them, grinning broadly.

"GRUNKLE STAN! GRUNKLE FORD!" they cried, each practically jumping into the arms of one of their grunkles. Mabel latched onto Stan, and Dipper onto Ford. They both hugged their grunkles as tight as they could, trying to communicate and receive all the emotions they could. After roughly half a minute, they wordlessly swapped and did the same with the other grunkle. As they finally pulled away, Stan clapped Dipper on the shoulders. "Hey look at you!" he choked up, tears in his eyes. "You've got some muscle now!"

"Yeah," Dipper responded, in a very similar state. "I, uh, I took up boxing when I got home. Needed something in place of giant bats and dream demons to get tough, right?"

Stan's grin, if possible, grew even more. "Yeah? How about you and your ol' Grunkle Stan go a couple rounds huh? I might be able to teach you a thing or two."

"Don't count on it," Ford joked. "He'd throw his back before throwing a punch."

"Haha! Grunkle Stan, you're old!" Mabel teased.

"Ah, what do you two know?" Stan snapped, smiling regardless. "My left hook hasn't left me!"

"Has Lazy Susan?" Mabel asked.

"Ugh, she still calls me sometimes," Stan complained. "Now come on, let's get all your stuff into the car. Waddles, you go in the trunk."

"Grunkle Stan!"

"Kidding, Mabel."

Dipper looked over the scene in silence, smiling. This was it, this is what he had been missing so dearly. He looked over at Grunkle Ford, who gave him an acknowledging wink. They moved to pile all their luggage into the car.

"That's an… interesting shirt, Dipper," Ford remarked. Dipper looked down at it. He was wearing his "Pterodactyl Buddies" t-shirt. It was still a little large, but puberty and boxing had done wonders for him in terms of getting it to actually fit comfortably.

"Yeah, Soos gave it to me," he replied, putting a suitcase in the trunk. "I figured there wasn't a better shirt to wear on the occasion."

Ford nodded and slammed the trunk closed. Dipper and Mabel sat with Waddles in the back, while Ford took shotgun and Stan got in the driver's seat. "It's as old and crappy as I remember it," Dipper remarked nostalgically.

"Damn right it is," Stan agreed. "Also, good to hear you swearing. It means I get to swear too."

"But Grunkle Stan!" Mabel whined. "Your old man swears are so funny."

"Kid, understand that 99% of the time, I'll try to accommodate you. But just this time, I do not give a shit."

Everyone in the car laughed as the car started and began making its way to the Shack. As they left the bus stop, Dipper thought of something. "Grunkle Stan," he asked. "Are you okay with not shepherding all those tourists to the Shack?"

"Shack's closed today, kid. Don't want to deal with all those noisy idiots when I'm reuniting with the family."

"Dipper," Mabel whispered loudly. "Grunkle Stan is turning down money to hang out with us! I am so touched right now!"

"Don't get too full of yourselves," Stan chided. "After you guys took out that Blind Eye Club, the fact that there's some weird stuff in this town has been spreading like wildfire. Tourists and townsfolk alike have been flocking here like vultures to a dead body. I'm making money out the wazoo. I figure we can take at least today off."

"My research has been going well also," Ford spoke up. "I've finished another journal of research, and I have received another grant for it. The government has been very interested in Gravity Falls since you kids were last here."

"I can imagine," Dipper grinned. "So, since we're basically the cause of all this revenue, does that mean you guys can buy me and Mabel cars for our 17th birthday?"

Stan did not stop laughing for the rest of the drive.

* * *

"Oh, hey dawg! Just go through the living room to get to the gift shop." The Pines' weird man-baby servant greeted Pacifca at the door. He was wearing some weird shirt that said "Pterodactyl Buddies" on it and looked like it had been made by a third-grader. Pacifica nodded to him and stepped onto the porch, taking off the bandanna and sunglasses she had been wearing. She opened the front door to hear a loud, manly cheer of "SURPRISE!".

"Grenda, it is not time yet," Candy chided.

"I'm practicing, Candy!" she retorted. "It's super-cool for you to come, Pacifica! Candy said you wouldn't, but I knew you would!"

Pacifica was not sure how to respond to Grenda's odd faith in her. She merely gave a slight smile and a nod, and hurried into the other room. In what was obviously the gift shop, there was a surprisingly large crowd. She saw Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland, some old waitress, a chubby blonde woman, and, was that the crazy homeless guy from the dump? She saw two goths in the corner, one of whom was texting. And there was a group of college kids by the counter, chatting. She made eye contact with one of them, a red-haired girl. The girl came over to her and held out her hand. "I'm Wendy," she introduced herself. "You're Pacifica, right? Cool of you to come."

Pacifica shook hands with her, caught off-guard by how chill she seemed, like nothing could ever faze her. She hadn't even reacted when the richest girl in town walked in. "So, when Soos sees the car rolling up, he's going to come in here and tell us. We'll flick off the lights and surprise them when they turn them back on. Cool?"

"Um, who is Soos exactly?"

"The guy who you saw on your way in," Wendy clarified.

Pacifica nodded, and Wendy went back to talking with her friends. Pacifica decided to amble over to a corner and find something to lean on. She rarely went to social events without some of her peers being there, and when she did, it was her parents' parties. This was the first time she was just awkwardly without someone to talk to, and she did not like it one bit. She felt like a sore thumb, like she was carrying a billboard over her head that said, "Look at me, I'm a sad loser with no one to talk to." Is this what unpopular girls felt like all the time? Great, now she felt awkward and guilty.

After what seemed like a merciless amount of time (her phone told her it had been six minutes), the servant Soos barged into the gift shop. "They're here!" he squealed. Pacifica was surprised by how excited he seemed, like a kid on Christmas.

Wendy charged over and turned off the lights, making a gesture for everyone to hide behind something. She and Soos crouched right next to the door. Pacifica decided to crouch behind a tower of postcards, feeling fairly stupid as she did so. She was Pacifica Northwest, the richest girl for miles, and yet, here she was, spending a Sunday squatting behind a postcard tower. It was stupid, but also kind of fun in a weird way, maybe because it was so stupid. Speaking of fun, she heard two people laughing like maniacs out there.

* * *

As the car slowed down, Dipper's heart sped up. They were here. They were finally back. He stepped out of the car, breathing in the familiar, muggy air. Waddles hopped out after him. Upon seeing his surroundings, Waddles started squealing excitedly, presumably recognizing his first home. His sister walked up next to him. "We're finally back, Dipper," she said, tears trickling down her face.

Dipper swallowed. Now he was crying too. "Yeah," he choked.

Waddles started running around. Mabel quickly joined him, running toward the Shack. Dipper, not one to be left behind, started sprinting after them. As he started running, the adrenaline created a reaction in his brain, releasing copious amount of dopamine. Midway to the Shack, he just started laughing. Something had released inside him. Mabel joined him, and encouraged by each other, they started laughing louder and louder. He was laughing harder than he ever had before. In that moment, Dipper could find no fault with the world. There was nothing, no political chaos, no global warming, no insecurities, just him, his sister, his great-uncles, and a forest with plentiful adventures and mysteries. He would explore, learn, and live on a level he hadn't in four years. So he laughed, because Dipper Pines was truly alive once more.

He and Mabel ran up the porch, stopping to each other. Mabel glanced at him. He nodded. She opened the front door, and they stepped through. It was like a blast from the past. The living room, the coat rack, everything was where it had been when they walked out. Even the gross old man smell was just as he remembered it. "This place hasn't changed a bit," he said, grinning from ear to ear.

* * *

Pacifica heard a boy and a girl laughing louder than she had ever heard anyone laugh. The door flew open. "The place hasn't changed a bit," the male breathed. It sounded like he was laughing, crying, and out of breath at the same time.

"Yeah," the girl agreed in the same tone. "You think Darryl is still there?"

"I don't clean, so he's probably grown as much as you," an older voice chimed in.

"Hey, we aren't still going to be sharing the attic, are we Grunkle Stan?" the male asked.

"Nah, Ford built a bedroom for himself in the basement so he could be even more of a hermit, so you'll get his old room, Dipper, and Mabel gets the attic because I don't want the pig on the furniture."

"Oooh, I am going to have so much fun decorating!" Mabel cheered.

"Any new weird, experimental furniture I should know about, Grunkle Ford?" Dipper asked.

Pacifica couldn't believe it. _That_ was Dipper? He sounded so different! She knew that he would, but still, it was hard to imagine the cracking, high-pitched Dipper had changed so much. It wasn't even close to Sheriff Blubs' level of deep, but it was significantly deeper now, and it didn't fluctuate like it once did.

"We can all redecorate and move potentially radioactive sofas later," 'Grunkle Stan' said. "But for right now, why don't you two pick something out from the gift shop, free of charge?"

"Can we unpack first, Grunkle Stan? I wanna see the attic again!"

"Mabel, you know my kindness better than anyone. This 'free of charge' thing is a now or never deal."

"Ugh, fine, let's hurry and pick something Dipper!"

"Right behind you!"

She heard their steps getting closer, and then the lights flickered on. She saw everyone in the gift shop move and pushed her legs up to follow them.

"Surprise!"

* * *

Dipper walked to the gift shop with his sister. His mind was whirring, both from the "radioactive sofa" comment and Grunkle Stan's insistence that they go to the gift shop now. There had to be a reason. Perhaps there was a creature loose in the house, and they were keeping Dipper and Mabel occupied until they found it? Or maybe there was a surprise party waiting for them? He shouldn't get his hopes up. Grunkle Stan might very well have just wanted to make sure they got something before he reverted back to his cheapskate self.

Mabel turned on the lights, and Dipper saw numerous people before they all suddenly shot up. "Surprise!"

Dipper briefly noticed that Pacifica Northwest had just popped out from behind a postcard tower when his attention was diverted by the group hug that he and Mabel were suddenly pulled into by Wendy and Soos. He immediately returned the hug, overjoyed to see them again. They pulled away after a moment. Wendy punched him in the arm. "Look at you, Mr. Muscles," she said teasingly. "Boxing has certainly done you some favors. Also, are you taller than me? That's gross."

Dipper nodded, grinning. "Where's Robbie? I want to brag about how I can totally beat him up now."

Wendy laughed and turned to talk to Mabel. Dipper turned to Soos, who was inarticulately, but wildly, gesturing to the shirts they were both wearing. "Of course, Soos," Dipper remarked. "Pterodactyl buddies for life."

"Aw dude, this is super awesome!" Soos said, giving him a high-five. "You guys are back and everything!"

"That we are," Dipper replied, grinning. He then noticed something on Soos's hand. "Soos, is that a ring on your finger?"

Soos grinned, putting a finger to his lips. "I'll tell you after the party. Go see all the other dudes right now though."

He pushed Dipper towards the center of the room, where a small old man shambled up to him.

"Old Man McGucket!" he smiled. "How's my favorite homeless inventor doing?"

"Crazier than ever!" he replied, laughing. "I've got a few new inventions I'd like to show you, if you're willing. Promise these ones won't try to kill ya."

Dipper laughed, remembering the Gobblewonker. "I'll drop by the dump as soon as I can."

"Great!" he responded. "I'll have the ol' raccoon wife cook you up something edible, hopefully!"

With that, he began moving towards the door. "You aren't sticking around?" Dipper asked, disappointed.

"Nah, I just wanted to mosey on by and see ya. Plus," he muttered. "Old Ford still feels like its his fault about what done happen to me. Don't want ta make anyone uncomfortable on the big day."

Dipper glanced over to his Grunkle. It was true, that on the few occasions Ford and McGucket had met last time they were here, it had been awkward at best. Still, he couldn't believe they hadn't been able to patch things up in four years. "Well, I'll try to see what I can do on that end. Plus, I've got some stuff I'm interested in showing you, too."

"Mighty appreciated, Dipper! Lookin' forward to seein' ya! I'll be moseying on now!"

"Looking forward to seeing you, too!" Dipper replied. What a good guy. Couldn't wait to see what new gadgetry he had in store, but that would have to wait.

The Grunkles suddenly came in, carrying food supplies. Ford lifted the cake reading "Welcome back, Dipper and Mabel" to tremendous applause. Stan lifted bottles of discount soda to significantly less applause.

* * *

Pacifica watched the party unfold from her corner of the room. The cake had been dispensed, but she couldn't muster up the courage to barge into the fray to get some. God, this was embarrassing. She was Pacifica Northwest, why was this so hard? Two of the college kids were getting their fat friend to chug a liter of that discount soda, the old people were in a corner chatting with each other, Mabel was talking with the rest of the girls, and Dipper was talking to the goth kids. She looked over and read the postcards for the fifth time. They all were in solid groups. Groups that were closer to each other than she was with any of them. There was no entry point at all for her. The only reason she was staying was that she had to at least say hello to the two.

"The great and popular Pacifica Northwest is at a party reading postcards alone, like a sad loser, while the nerd, Dipper Pines, is the one to pity her enough to come over and talk. You'll have to excuse me while I revel in the glorious, glorious irony."

Pacifica looked up from the postcards to see Dipper grinning broadly, holding two plates of cake. "Shut up, nerd," she muttered, taking a plate from him. Trying to hide her embarrassment, she looked directly down at the cake.

"So, is there a specific reason you're not talking with anybody, or are we just generally not good enough for you?"

"Who am I supposed to talk to?" Pacifica asked, gesturing to the room. "Aside from you and Mabel, I don't know anyone here."

"Wait, Mabel hasn't talked to you yet?" Dipper asked, frowning. "I thought for sure that she, Grenda, and Candy would make a beeline for you."

"Well, they didn't. You're the first person I've spoken to. You should be honored."

"To be graced with such an achievement is truly the pinnacle of my existence," he replied sarcastically.

Pacifica looked up from her cake to get a proper look at her friend. He was significantly taller than her now, something that irked her. His wavy brown hair and bang were the same as ever. She glanced at his arms. He had gotten muscular. Not exactly buff, in fact he could really only be considered lean, but he definitely had clearly defined muscles, a vast change from his noodle arms from four years ago. She glanced up to his face. The baby fat was gone, and his chin had become rather strong. All in all, Dipper Pines was exceptionally easy on the eyes. Speaking of the eyes, his just looked down at hers, completely catching her in the act of staring at his face. That was embarrassing, sure, but Pacifica Elise Northwest never looked away first. Ever. After a moment or two, Dipper hastily looked towards the college kids. She grinned to herself, domination asserted.

Dipper stared at Nate, Lee, and Thompson, trying to keep his embarrassment from showing. Her hair and eyes had not changed, but her face and head had become far... sharper? Angular? Her cheeks weren't as rounded anymore, was what he was getting at. She was undeniably pretty. That in and of itself wasn't the primary cause of his embarrassment. The source was that he often forgot how much taller he was than girls, and when he looked down at Pacifica just then, he had gotten quite a view. It didn't help that puberty had been extremely kind to her. He tried to clear his head of those thoughts. Getting flustered by her now would just be embarrassing.

"Thanks for coming," he said, determined to come up with some sort of conversation.

"Huh?"

"Thanks for coming," he repeated. "It was really nice of you. I'll speak for the both of us and say we're really glad you came."

"Hmph," she muttered, slightly bothered by how happy she was that he said that.

"Your attempt at a thank-you has been documented. I would compare its proximity to an actual thank you with every other sign of gratitude you've ever given me, but I suspect, as you are currently at that rebellious age, that it would only create a downward trend from here on out."

"Could you go one second without being a complete nerd?"

"Point proven."

"Oh, and you're just above it all, I take it?"

"Precisely. I've always been mature for my age, and luckily, I managed to coast right over that embarrassing emotional phase, unlike you, who has been stuck in it for years."

"Whatever. Go walk into a pillar or something."

"That was one time!"

"There's that classic Dipper whine. Knew it was in there somewhere."

He pursed his lips and glared at her. She flashed him a mocking smile.

"Aw, look at you two! It's like no time has passed at all!" Mabel remarked from over the postcard tower.

Both teens immediately lurched away from the postcards. "Mabel!" Dipper gasped, looking over to where the girls were talking. "How- when?"

"Thompson just drank all of the soda, causing Grunkle Stan to remember that he hates young people. He asked me to tell anyone who doesn't work here to 'scramble faster than eggs'," she explained.

"Who even says that?" Pacifica muttered.

"Grunkle Stan apparently," Mabel replied, walking around the postcards. She immediately brought Pacifica into a bone-crushing hug. "I'm really sorry that I didn't come over to talk to you earlier and now I'm just telling you to leave but it was super wonderful of you to come and I'll try to find some way to make it up to you I promise!" she blurted out.

"Mabel… can't… breathe..."

Mabel released her from her hold as she came up with an idea. "I know, a sleepover! Just you and me! That way you don't have to feel all awkward and left out! That's Dipper's job!"

"Literally right here."

"What do you say, Pacifica?" Mabel asked, ignoring her brother. "Pleeeaasssee?"

Pacifca thought about it while gasping for air. It certainly would be fun to just have a girly-girl night with Mabel. "Sure. When do you want to have it?"

"How about on Thursday? Oooh, it's going to be so much fun!" she squealed. Pacifica agreed, especially considering what was going on Thrusday.

"Mabel! Unless we're taking her hostage for ransom, which I'm totally okay with, she needs to go! Soos apparently has something important to say for once," Stan shouted from across the room.

Mabel sighed. "Sorry, Pacifica, you're going to have to go now. Do you have a ride?"

Pacifica nodded. "Yeah, they're waiting at the bottom of the hill."

"Well, I guess this is goodbye, then," Mabel said. "Here, Dipper'll take you down there."

"I will? She can get there by herself. I want to hear what Soos has to say."

"Dipper! Giving a lady a proper departure is one of the golden rules of manhood!"

"I thought the golden rule of manliness was stick up for what you believe in no matter what? And I firmly believe that I don't need to bother escorting Pacifica."

"He's right, Mabel. I'm good. Doesn't mean he isn't a jerk, but just this once I'll let it slide."

Pacifica walked out of the gift shop, through the living room, and into the outside air. She started jogging down the hill. She knew the quicker she was out of these woods, the better. When she hit the bottom of the hill, she walked a bit to her limo, which was parked only a few blocks away from one of her other friend's house. "Did you enjoy your party, miss?" her chauffeur inquired.

She thought about it. It was the first time she had ever been part of a surprise party, it had been the happiest she had ever seen either of the Pines twins, and she had even managed to have a decent conversation with both of them. "Yeah, I had a ton of fun, actually."

* * *

Mabel punched him in the shoulder. "Rude," she hissed.

"Yeah well, so is specifically avoiding her so that I'm the one who talks to her first," Dipper shot back, rubbing his shoulder where she punched it. "Don't think I don't know what you're planning with all this. It's not going to work."

"We'll see," Mabel smiled. "Your older sister has some tricks up her sleeve."

"Five minutes. A purely random twist of fate caused you to emerge first. You are not older than me in any reasonable way."

"You're just too young to understand. Now come on, let's go hear what Soos has to say!" she said bouncing off to where everyone else was. Dipper followed, muttering under his breath about the biological logistics of fraternal twins and how neither was older.

Soos looked around, making sure everyone was in close proximity. He coughed into his hand, and raised his arms. "Everyone, I have an announcement," he declared.

"Get on with it," Stan complained, scratching his back. "I could die any minute."

"Don't get my hopes up," Wendy muttered loudly enough for everyone to hear. A wave of giggles erupted amongst those present. Soos coughed into his hand again.

"I just wanted you guys to know that, well, Melody and I've been dating for a while," He gestured to Melody. "And, I asked her three days ago, we plan on getting married at the end of the summer."

Dipper clapped his hands over his ears. The others, not possessing his Mabel Sense, felt the full power of her ear-shattering scream. She ran over to Melody, wrapping her in a full-on Mabel hug. "Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod this is the best thing ever!" she squealed. "Where's it gonna be? Is it gonna be here? Can I be the wedding planner? What's your budget? Are you guys going to have kids? I mean I know that's long term but it's an important question to-"

Melody managed to push her back somehow. "Mabel, we haven't decided on much yet, we just know the wedding's going to be simple. But Soos did have the Shack as his personal choice for where it should be."

Everyone else, upon recovering from the shock, went up to congratulate Soos.

"Go Soos!" Wendy cheered, giving him a hug.

"I wish you both the happiest!" Ford said, clapping him on the back.

"I'm not going to have to buy gifts am I?" Stan asked.

"Grunkle Stan, can you be happy for somebody for at least a minute?"

"Dipper, I am a simple man. And by simple, I mean cheap. Besides, it's not like this whole thing is guaranteed to pan out."

"GRUNKLE STAN!" Mabel shouted, attention diverted from Melody by his appalling statement. "You cannot say that! Apologize right now!"

"It's alright, Hambone," Soos placated. "Mr. Pines has a point." He turned to face Stan. "Mr. Pines, sir, normally I respect your opinion. But Melody and I have been together for a long time, and I think she's like, the one. I know you don't trust marriages very much, but I think that Melody and I will be the exception. Like one of those couples you see on the Internet, those old couples with the matching shirts? Yeah, we'll be like those dudes."

There was a silence as everyone waited with bated breath. "Soos, as usual, I have no idea what the hell you're talking about. However, you have been my repairman for many years, so, when it comes time for your marriage to fall to shambles, which it will, I'm going to assume you'll be able to fix it."

There was a brief moment of silence. Ford, Dipper, Mabel, and Wendy all started cheering. Soos actually started crying. Melody went over to hug her now Stan-approved fiance. "Alright, you party animals," Stan grumbled. "Since we now have two big events to celebrate, I guess dinner is on me. Tell me what you want and I'll get it."

Mabel, Dipper, and Wendy looked at each other. "Caviar!"

"Lobster!"

"Pancakes, but replace the butter with solid gold!"

"What's that? I'm old. All I heard was 'pizza'. Well, if that's what you want..."

"Boooooo!" they chanted.

"Yeah, yeah, suck it up. You all knew this was going to happen anyway."

The setting sun found the employees and family of the Mystery Shack sitting around and eating pizza. Dipper and Mabel had gotten all their things into their rooms while waiting for the pizza to arrive, and finished unpacking while Stan convinced the pizza guy that it had been over 30 minutes since he placed the call. Dipper made a mental note of the anomaly of a pizza place that still did the "30 minutes or free" deal in 2016.

"So, in the end, you didn't actually pay for anything, Mr. Pines," Wendy noted, munching on a slice of pepperoni.

"I said dinner was on me. Never said anything about paying for it."

"And yet he always got C's in English class," Ford muttered.

"Hey, I never need to read Shakespeare to find a loophole."

"Mmmm, what about that bookworm we fought? Didn't he almost eat you because you didn't know that line from 'Romeo and Juliet'?" Dipper asked.

"Hey, nobody would no such an obscure line," Stan defended.

"The quote he gave you was 'Wherefore art thou, Romeo'! If the quote has 35% of the title in it, it is not obscure!" Ford cried, exasperated.

"Don't you mean 33%?" Mabel asked. "Cuz it's one of three words?"

"No, you're both right," Dipper clarified. "Romeo is five of the 18 letters in the title, meaning it takes up 35% of the letters, and 33% of the words. Grunkle Ford was going for scientific accuracy."

"First of all, you two are nerds," Stan established. "Secondly, I haven't been eaten, and I got 5 large pizzas for free, so my methods work wonders, thank you very much."

"Speaking of not being eaten," Dipper segued. "I've actually got presents for you guys." He put down his plate and quickly ran to his room, coming back with a case. He opened up the case to reveal six watches. He handed one to Ford, Stan, Mabel, Wendy, and Soos, and put the last one on himself. "Sorry, Melody. Didn't think to make you one."

"Don't worry, it's fine."

"So what are they?" Wendy asked, examining it. "Because if it's just a watch, I will be severely disappointed."

"It actually doesn't tell time at all," Dipper responded. "What it measures is the danger of the anomaly present. Grunkle Ford discovered that all anomalous creatures exude a certain energy wave, one that lets them manipulate matter or exist contrary to the laws of normal physics. Basically, magic. These watches measure the amount of that energy that is in the surrounding air, and communicate it to the other watches that are within a 10-mile radius. So if one of us encounters, say, a category 10 ghost, then all the watches will immediately alert their owners to the high-level threat. Best of all, you can scroll through each watch's energy measure with the top buttons, and if you press the bottom-right button, see the little arrow on the circle rim? That will automatically point to whichever watch you're currently on. We'll be able to immediately know when someone's in danger, and be able to find them!" he finished his rant, breathing excitedly.

"Dipper," Ford began."This is… brilliant! I mean, not only does it negate at least some of the safety concerns we had, but it also offers a quick way to put yourself on guard. Hide-behinds, specters, shadow creatures, I mean, it doesn't exactly track them, but we at least have some way of knowing we aren't alone in the room! Truly remarkable!"

Dipper rubbed the back of his head, sheepishly. It felt really good receiving such high praise from his idol. He wasn't quite sure how to respond. "Thanks, Grunkle Ford. There is one problem though. These watches only measure the amount of that energy in the surrounding air, not where it's coming from. They can't tell the difference between a bunch of low-level threats and one high-level one. I've been stumped on a way to include a radar feature for a while now."

"Yeah, but I mean," Mabel muttered. "It's not like any of us will just be traipsing around on our own, so it's not going to be that big a deal, right?"

Dipper shrugged. "It's a safety precaution," he responded, specifically ensuring that Mabel's statement was neither confirmed nor denied.

Soos punched her lightly in the shoulder. "C'mon, dude, this is awesome. This is some spy movie technology right here. We could all be James Stock!"

Mabel smiled back. "Frankly sir, I don't give a damn," she said, in a horrible British accent.

As Soos giggled at the impression, she looked down at the watch. It was really incredible, and really useful. Her brother really was a genius for making it. But still, she hated it. If this thing watched Dipper's back for him, well, what was her job then? The watch didn't tell time, but she knew it was ticking down to something.

* * *

 **To: Dipper**

 **7/13/15 7:15 PM**

 **Pacifica:** _Hey, don't take this as a compliment, but you seem remarkably zit-free lately. What do you use to get like that?_

 **Dipper:** _My, it seems my facial perfection has finally been noticed. As much as I am loathe to deny a lady who clearly stares at my Facelook pictures with great focus, I should think that a Northwest could not possibly require the aid of such a meager commoner as myself._

 **P:** _I can literally hire an assassin to beat the info out of you and then kill you._

 **D:** _Needed to make something "useful around the house" for our home ec final. Invented a zit cream. It's super good. Selling it on Scrollr._

 **P:** _OMG you have a Scrollr? That's hilarious._

 **D:** _It's only to follow scientific research blogs and sell my zit cream!_

 **P:** _What part of that sentence made it less nerdy?_

 **D:** _Shut up_

 **P:** _Make me_

 **D:** _I don't have to tell you the address of my blog._

 **P:** _Just texted Mabel. Got it._

 **D:** _I'm jacking up the prices right now_

 **P:** _Doesn't matter to me. I'm rich. Also, nice to see that you're taking after your uncle._

 **D:** _...Double shut up_

* * *

 **AN: The gang is all back together! The politically-themed title pun is, of course, in honor of The Stanchurian Candidate, which comes out today! HUZZAH! A really dialogue-heavy chapter too. Maybe not as personal or reunion-y dialogue as some of you may have liked, (there were a lot of people and things going on this chapter) but I assure you, that comes next time. Also, some of you may or may not have noticed that, in the spirit of the show, most real world products and websites were given slightly different names. The only exception being "tweets", which are derived from Twitter. This is because Stan Pines used it to run his campaign, establishing it as existing in GF lore. That is absolutely the reason, and it is in no way because I couldn't think of a good substitute.**

 **Anyway, this chapter is up so soon after the first! And over three times longer! Don't get too excited though. Chapter 2 was 90% done when I posted Chapter 1. Chapter 3 might not be so expedient. I'll get it done quick as I can though, for all of you. Thank you all so much for the positive feedback, and for reading this chapter, and make sure to stay tooned! Hah, still funny to me.**


	3. Invest in (Family) Bonds

Chapter 3: Invest in (Family) Bonds

Dipper woke up to a soft light coming in from his window. He sat up, stretched out his upper body, and looked around. He was in Ford's old room in Gravity Falls. He was in Gravity Falls. Life was amazing. He immediately threw off his now-horribly twisted and messy sheets to step onto the hardwood floor of his new room. The hardwood floor felt amazing on his bare feet, providing some much needed nerve stimuli to help wake up the rest of the body. He glanced around the room. He had set up his TV and XCube Zero (odd name since it was the third in the series but whatever) just across from his bed, allowing for quick transitions from "I am having fun playing videogames" to "Holy fuck I need to get at least some sleep so that I can function tomorrow". No rug on the floor, for obvious reasons. He had a couch down here (Grunkle Ford assured him it was no longer radioactive), which would actually be super-useful for Movie Night with Wendy. Formerly, they could only watch in the living room, meaning only one of them got an actual seat. Now, they had a couch! All in all, his room was kickass.

He looked around, still smiling broadly. He was back. This was officially his base. His base of awesomeness. He opened the door out of his room. He walked down the hallway, feeling the old floorboards creak nostalgically under his feet. The only thing that kept him from sprinting to the kitchen was his urge to maintain some kind of dignity. He walked into the kitchen to see that, surprise, surprise, everyone was up already.

"Told you!" Mabel said to Grunkle Stan before smiling to him. "Morning, Broseidon, Lord of the Dipping Waves! We're making chocolate-chip pancakes!"

"Chocolate-chip?" Dipper asked, pulling up a chair next to Grunkle Ford, who was reading The Gossiper at the table. "Geez, Grunkle Stan, no need to splurge so much just for us."

"Careful, I don't think he knows you're being sarcastic," Ford joined in.

"I see you two are getting your… _cheap_ shots in early," Stan joked.

Mabel laughed while Dipper and Ford booed. "Ah, what do you two know? She's the funny one."

"Grunkle Stan, I've seen Mabel laugh at a spider making a web for five minutes. She will laugh at literally anything."

"Hey, that spider was hilarious! It was just dangling around, like a dangling fool," she told him, flailing her arms to simulate the experience.

"Don't flail your arms near the hot stove, Mabel," Grunkle Stan chided.

"Don't worry, Grunkle Stan, I have trained for four years to have masterful control of my body. I am an elite martial artist, a-"

"Hair's getting on the pancakes."

"Shoot!" she swore, immediately pulling her hair back, and into a scrunchie, which she got seemingly from thin air. "Guess Waddles gets a pancake now!"

Waddles, upon hearing his name, got up from the living room carpet and hustled into the kitchen, staring up at Mabel. "Waddles!" she laughed, pushing him gently with her foot. "No begging! You wait your turn, Mister Hog!"

Dipper whistled. "Here, Waddles!"

Waddles trotted over to Dipper and plopped down next to him. Dipper leaned down and rubbed his belly.

"He seems to be quite well-trained," Ford praised.

"Of course. Our parents only let him stay with us if we got him trained. Pigs aren't naturally cut out for suburban life."

"It was a little tricky, getting a pig trained in Piedmont, California, but Waddles is such a good little guy, aren't you, Waddles?" Mabel cooed.

Waddles gave an appreciative oink. Grunkle Stan set two plates of chocolate-chip pancakes down on the table.

"Thanks, Grunkle Stan!"

"Thank you, Stanley."

Dipper cut a piece off and brought to his mouth. Oh, he could feel how hot it was from the air. He started blowing on it gently, keeping it midair. He did not want to burn his tongue off. He waited to eat it until Mabel and Grunkle Stan sat down, so it seemed like he was being polite rather than just bad with hot foods. At least, that's what he hoped it looked like. Who just held food on their fork in midair though? Ah well, no one in the room actually cared, he supposed. He put the piece of sufficiently cooled-off pancake in his mouth. He winced when he bit down on it. The chocolate chips were significantly hotter than the batter. The principle of specific heat was truly a double-edged sword. It let them cook their foods, but then stabbed their tongues with surprise heat.

"So, I know that yesterday, what with Dipper's hilarious car joke, and Soos getting married, and then Dipper's watches, we all got carried away with other things, but I wanted to ask, how are you kids doing? How's it been these past four years?" Stan spoke up, interrupting his culinary revery.

"It's been going good!" Mabel responded, feeding Waddles his pancake. "Dipper's a loser, but I'm super cool and everyone loves me!"

"Over-exaggerated on both counts," Dipper said, rolling his eyes. "We hang out with the same friends, Mabel just happens to be more outgoing than I am. Not that that's a surprise to anyone."

"What are your friends like?" Ford asked.

Dipper shrugged. "They're cool. We all eat lunch together, it's a fun time."

"Bobby's a clown, Leo's a nerd like Dipper, Cassie's the sweetest girl ever, and Jenna- well, she doesn't really hang out with us anymore, but she's super cool!" Mabel continued.

"What? What's this Jenna girl's problem?" Stan asked.

"Nothing! She just doesn't hang out with us anymore. It's certainly not because Dipper asked her out and now she's really awkward around him!"

A spike of irritation ran through Dipper. "Seriously? How have you still not learned how to lie?"

"Don't worry about, Dipper," Ford placated. "I was rejected plenty when I was your age, and now look at me! A genius scientist who has adventured through multiple dimensions!"

Dipper kept the question of whether or not he had ever had a girlfriend to himself.

"Mabel, you haven't had any boyfriends or anything, have you?" Stan asked.

Mabel nodded. "Two."

"Two?!"

"You and Will dated for like, two weeks. Does that count?"

"We dated longer than I knew Mermando, and I qualify him as a boyfriend."

"Mermando?!"

"Yeah, he was my first boyfriend. I met him in Gravity Falls, back when we went to the pool every day. Then I dated Will, and then I was dating Tony for a long time."

"Tony?! You said you've only had two boyfriends!"

"I thought you meant since we last saw you," Mabel replied. "Yeah, Tony was really sweet."

Dipper grunted dismissively. She swatted him on the shoulder. "Hey, we were becoming incompatible, and Tony saw it first! Don't blame him for it!" Mabel chastised.

Dipper didn't respond. Anyone who made his sister cry for an entire night, regardless of how well she recovered, was on his eternal shit list.

"So, uh, how's school?" Ford asked, taking advantage of the silence to bring the conversation back into a field he could contribute to.

"Going good. I'm maintaining my 4.0 GPA, and Mabel is passing, so we're both hitting our goals."

"Take it from someone who knows, sweetie, you're going to want to do better than 'passing'," Stan advised.

"Don't worry, Grunkle Stan! While Dipper's focusing on his studies, I'm focusing on making bank! Mabel's rolling in it!"

"There's no job that exists that pays a high schooler enough to be 'rolling in it'."

"I don't need a job! I'm working the internet!"

Stan stared pointedly at Dipper. He shrugged his shoulders. "She's actually not delusional about how money works this time," he explained. "Between her art commissions, and her YouView channel, she's actually making a lot of money. Not enough to live off of, but definitely more than most kids our age."

"YouView? What is that?" Stan asked.

"Grunkle Stan, you don't know what YouView is?" Mabel asked, shocked.

"I'm older than your grandpa and I live in a shack in the middle of Oregon. You tell me."

"That's an excellent point, Grunkle Stan. Remember Twitter? That thing we used for your mayor campaign?"

"Oh yeah! Yeah, I remember that!"

"It's like that but with videos. I make videos and then all the people who follow me watch them, and then I get paid."

"To put it simply," Dipper added.

"What about you, Dipper? You made these watches, have you done anything else?" Ford asked.

"I made a zit cream," he explained. "And I've got a manufacturer making it, and I sell it. Still, since I need people to make it, and it's just expensive, I do not make as much money as Mabel, but I can buy the videogames I want, and put money in savings, so no complaints here."

"So you kids just make money from home?" Stan asked, incredulous. "When I was your age, I had to run a paper route for a month if I wanted to take Carla on a fancy date."

"And there was no way I could ever sell my inventions back then," Ford mused. "The internet really is something."

"That, and you two are something else," Stan added. "If there's one thing I've learned, making money on your own ain't easy. Good job, you two."

"Yeah, we are awesome," Mabel agreed. Dipper elbowed her. "Thank you!" she added.

"And how's the boxing, and the, what did you say you did, Mabel? Some kind of martial arts?"

"Muay thai," Mabel specified. "And I'm awesome at it! I can still beat Dipper up, even though he's a boxer!"

Dipper nodded, munching on his pancake. "Coach says that I easily have the physical capacity, but my coordination and 'aggressive instinct' are abysmal. Mabel lacks none of that."

"I am the goddess of destruction!" Mabel cheered.

"I'm sure you are, sweetie. And don't worry too much about it, Dipper. Ford here was a lot the same, but he can hold his own. I mean sure, he's never punched eagles out of the air, or sent a pterodactyl to the floor, but hey, we all do what we can."

"Hmmph," Ford grunted. "And what I can do is make us thousands on soft lights."

"Yeah, I forgot about this thing," Dipper remarked, looking up at the light fixture. He felt his arm. "It really works fast."

"We sent some to your family, did you not get them?"

"Nah, we got them, but Dad was going to throw them out on principle. We managed to convince him to give them away," Mabel explained. "Sorry."

Ford's face fell. "No, it's fine, just… just wish we weren't estranged from the family is all. I know we put you kids into a lot of danger, but still, it feels odd having your family against you."

Dipper coughed into his hand and gestured to Grunkle Stan.

"Oh, uh, not that I, uh-"

"S'alright, you two," Stan grunted. "As far as I'm concerned, the only family I need is sitting at this table."

"Aww, Grunkle Stan!" Mabel leaned over and hugged him. "We love you too!"

"You hear that, Waddles?" Dipper joked. "Grunkle Stan thinks of you as family!"

"I meant-"

"Nope! Too late!" Mabel joined in. "Waddles is family now."

"Figures. I try to have an intimate moment, and a pig ruins it."

"Are you talking from experience?"

"I'm not going to answer that question."

As they finished off breakfast, Dipper and Mabel eating twice as much as their Grunkles, ("Damn teenagers, eating me out of my wallet." was all Stan had to say about it.) all of the Pines scattered. Mabel, to plan out her room, Stan to prepare for the day, Dipper to clean up the kitchen as per orders, and Ford to his lab.

He scrubbed pans, grumbling to himself about he was already forced to do chores. Still, it was preparation, he supposed. He was certainly far more useful around the house than Mabel was. That was something.

As he started on the actual plates, he heard someone walk in through the gift shop. "Wow, Mr. Pines already has you doing chores, huh? Lame," Wendy remarked.

He turned his head to see Soos and Wendy sitting down at the kitchen table. "Yeah, well, he and Grunkle Ford are old, and Mabel would break something, so, really, it's out of necessity. You can take over if you want," he offered, smiling.

"Ah, see, I would, but I just sat down, and the car ride here was _super_ stressful," she replied in monotone.

Dipper laughed. "Right, right."

"Want me to do it, dude?" Soos offered.

"No, I'm good, thanks though, Soos."

"Soos! Don't actually be a nice person! You're making me look bad!" Wendy mock-chided him.

"I can't help it, Wendy. I'm like, the nicest guy I know," Soos responded seriously. "It's like a curse or something."

Wendy laughed. "That you are Soos, that you are."

"So have you guys been?" Dipper asked. "How's college and being engaged?"

"Wendy, you're engaged?!" Soos asked, shocked.

Wendy laughed. "Nope, that's all you, man."

"Oh. Wow, dude, you're totally right. I keep forgetting, and, every time I remember, it's like," He made an explosion noise with his mouth. "Mind blown, y'know?"

"I don't actually, but I'm happy for you regardless."

"I haven't quite wrapped my head around it, frankly," Dipper remarked. "It's hard to believe that my old Pterodactyl Buddy has left me in the dust."

"Dude, a cool guy like you? You're totally going to meet a super girl," Soos consoled.

Dipper laughed, putting a dish on the rack. "I think you're the first person to ever call me cool, but thank you."

"What?" Soos asked, disbelieving. "Wendy, Dipper's totally cool, right?"

"I mean, sometimes?" Wendy offered. "You definitely think he's cooler than I do."

"Ouch, well, now I know where I stand. Thanks, Wendy."

"Aw, c'mon, you know I think you're awesome, cool is just a little more subjective is all."

Dipper joined them at the table. "So, you never answered the question, what is college like?"

"Yeah, dude, is it like the movies?" Soos asked. "But like, not the horror movies, hopefully."

"It's definitely not like the horror movies, but it isn't as cool as the movies would make you think," Wendy responded. "I mean, I like it a hell of a lot more than I liked high school, but still, classes are hard man. It's tough being responsible for yourself all the time. Super-glad for summer. Now I can just laze around behind a gift shop counter. But enough about me, how has it been for you, Dipper?"

"Wendy!" Stan snapped, from across the living room. "I need you at the counter now!"

"Sure thing, Mr. Pines! Just wanted to reconnect with a friend I haven't seen in four years, but yeah, whatever, it's fine."

"You'll have all summer to chat with Dipper. In fact, I'm positive you'll skip work to do it today, anyway. So head to the counter now. There's people coming in!"

"Aye, sir," she muttered, rolling her eyes. "I'll see you later, Dipper, Soos."

"Have fun."

"Bye, dude!"

Wendy walked back through the "Employees Only" door to man her station. Dipper got up. "You probably have some stuff to do too, huh, Soos? I'll see you later."

"Uh, dude, actually, I was wondering if I could talk to you in like, private," Soos spoke.

Dipper blanched. This was new. He sat back down. "Yeah, sure thing, Soos."

"Cool, uh, so, Melody and I are getting married, but heh, you already know that," Soos rambled. "So, we decided to get married this summer, cuz I like, I super want you and Hambone to be there, y'know? You guys being there is super important. And y'know, you're like, one of the best friends I've ever had, and you're a guy. So, all things considered, I was wondering if, would you be cool being my best man?"

Dipper couldn't believe it. Him? Best man? "Of course, Soos! I'd be honored!"

Soos breathed a sigh of relief. "Cool, cause, like, if you said no, that would be rough. You're the only dude that's best man material."

"C'mon, I'm sure Grunkle Stan would be up for it!"

"Nah, I kinda want him to… what's it called when you stand in the middle and read the vows?"

"You want him to officiate?"

"Yeah that's the word. You're like a walking dictionary."

"Eh, I try. Anyway, this is, this is really cool, Soos! Like, wow, you sure you want me to be best man?"

"Dude. After all the stuff you've done for me, and all our crazy awesome adventures, there's like nobody else."

"Except Mabel."

"Hambone's a girl though. This is a guy thing."

"Well, I'm certainly glad I'm the guy, then," Dipper remarked, fist-bumping Soos.

"Soos! Outhouse is clogged again!" Stan called from somewhere.

"Okay, seriously, is he timing this?" Dipper asked.

Soos chuckled. "Duty calls. Oh, man, 'doody'. That was totally unintentional, too. I need to tell Hambone before I forget. I'll see you, Dipper!"

"See you, Soos!"

Dipper leaned back in his chair. Wow. Him, a best man. Sure, Soos would have probably picked Mabel over him had she been born with a Y-chromosome, but she wasn't, and Soos felt like he was the guy of choice. That meant a lot to him. He sat there, soaking in the happy feeling and pride for a while. After a few minutes, he decided he should probably get up and do something with his day.

He peeked into the gift shop. "Hey, dude," Wendy greeted. She was the only one in there.

"Hey, Wendy, I'm going to head down to the basement."

"Roger that."

He inputted the code on the vending machine. As the door opened, Mabel popped into the gift shop. "hey, Dipper, hey Wendy!" she greeted. "I'm making Mabel Juice, anyone want any?"

Dipper and Wendy shared a look. "Um, no thanks, Mabel, I'm good," Wendy responded.

"No thanks, I feel like being sane today," Dipper replied. "I'll see you guys later."

He walked down the steps as the vending machine swung shut behind him. Hey, they had renovated the elevator. That was good. The old one had been shoddy at best. Now he wouldn't have the nagging terror that it might be the last ride of his life anymore. He rode down the elevator to reach the basement proper. The doors slid open. "Grunkle Ford, anything dangerous going on?"

"Nothing more dangerous than usual. Come on in."

He strolled in to see that the lab had been changed a little bit. It had been renovated from a portal room to more of a proper looking sci-fi lab. Microscopes, big machines whose purpose he could not fathom, and, towards the back, there was a security door, that was probably Grunkle Ford's bedroom.

"So, research has been going good, huh? You mentioned you managed to fill out a whole 'nother journal," Dipper remarked, trying to play it cool.

Ford chuckled. "Your copy of it is on the table to your left."

"Awesome!" Dipper dashed over to the table. He saw it and greedily leafed through it, the original intention of informing Grunkle Ford/bragging to him about his best man status completely forgotten in lieu of an expansion to what had been his life at one point.

"Don't get to excited by that stuff just yet. What I'm working on right now is pretty big."

Dipper dashed back immediately. Ford couldn't help but smile. When it came to the paranormal sciences, his nephew was just as excitable ever. "So, as you know, I've been researching this for a long time, and not even two weeks ago, I found the answer to a major question about the ecosystem of Gravity Falls."

"What force is great enough to affect the entirety of Gravity Falls?" Dipper asked.

"This one," Ford answered, gesturing him to look through the microscope. He peered in and saw microscopic bugs, eating something.

"What they're eating is a claw from a komodo mole, page 45."

Dipper flipped to the corresponding page. Komodo moles were a species of lizard that burrowed through the ground, popping above to steal trinkets, litter, whatever they thought seemed nice. Their claws were as hard as diamond. But these termites were eating through it effortlessly. So they had the ability to eat through anything, and they impacted the ecosystem, which meant-

"They serve as the decomposers for anomalous creatures?"

Ford nodded. "Precisely. I often wondered how some of the more... indestructible anomalies decayed, because there certainly aren't many corpses in the forest, but normal bacteria couldn't do it. Then, I found a decaying corpse by chance days ago, brought it to the lab, and analyzed it, leading me to discover these little guys. They'll eat through almost anything. The petri dish you're looking at is an invention of mine, that basically keeps everything floating exactly one millimeter above it, making it immune to them, but still keeping them on a flat surface."

"How do they know what to eat? And what is its waste product once it's done?"

"These things won't eat anything that's living. My guess is that they have the ability to detect the signals living cells send to each other, and that is negative feedback to them. They also don't seem to partial to inorganic matter either, but if they get hungry enough, they'll eat anything. As far what they excrete, it's actually quite bizarre. No matter what they eat, they always excrete the same thing." He led Dipper over to another machine, one with vials of greenish blue liquid. "This stuff. It's odd. It seems to be a magic jelly of sorts. It is positively infused with magical energy. That magical amulet from Journal #2 might actually have just been a version of this stuff that someone figured out how to crystallize."

Dipper's tongue numbed a little at the mention of the amulet. The idea of another one being produced was not appealing. But still, this stuff was basically magic sustenance? "Grunkle Ford," he asked. "How many of the more invincible species of anomalies did you see before arriving in Oregon?"

"Very few actually," Ford remarked, smiling at his nephew.

"So, basically, everywhere else you've been, these things have to compete with normal bacteria for what they eat. But here, since they could eat what other decompsers couldn't, they were allowed to eat and produce as much as they wanted..."

"...Creating a surplus of food to breed anomalous creatures," Ford finished. "Dead-on, Dipper. Currently, that's my top theory as to why Gravity Falls is a particular hotspot. These termites are the beginning and end of Gravity Falls' supernatural side. Of course, it doesn't explain why records of these creatures have existed for centuries across the world, or why the invincible creatures were here in the first place. I've got a lead, but, it's going nowhere right now."

"Isn't that why you built the portal? To see if you could track the origins?"

Ford nodded. "Yes, but, a friend I met in my travels explained it to me. He said that dimensional rifts weren't something that could happen naturally, and, scientifically speaking, he's the leading expert in interdimensional theory, and he knows that Earth's mythologies predate the technological use of dimensional portals. If these anomalies are from another dimension, they were summoned magically, which means someone on this side was magical, which creates a paradox."

"Wait, other dimensions use portals? But I thought you said it was dangerous."

"Mine was dangerous," he responded. "But other universes and intelligent planets have it down pat. Especially my friend, oh man, he just shoots a portal gun and bam, he can go to any plane of existence he pleases. Offered me a ride back to my dimension, and I said I didn't know which one I was from, didn't think there was even a standard, and he criticized me for my 'Columbus attitude towards exploration'."

Dipper laughed. "That guy sounds really cool. Wish I could meet him."

Ford made a face. "He's a little... special, might not be the image of genius you have in your head."

"He's special how?"

A loud burp erupted from behind them. Dipper and Ford whirled around to see Mabel behind them, grinning. "How did you get all the way down here, and then behind us, without making noise?!" Dipper demanded.

"I'm a ninja! BELIEVE IT!" she screamed, jabbing him in the sternum.

He backed away, hand over his chest. "Mabel, why are you being so loud and aggressive?"

"I just made and chugged an entire blender of Mabel Juice."

"...Why?" Dipper asked.

"Well, nobody else wanted any of it, so what was I supposed to do?"

"Not drink enough stimulants to kill a horse? That'd be my first guess."

"Pshaw, the horse didn't die, it just had a heart attack! I'm gonna be fine!"

"Wait, that wasn't an analogy?" Ford asked, horrified.

"Anyway, come upstairs, Dipdop! I'm going to be filming the next Guide to Life and I need you on camera duty!"

"Mabel, I'm talking with Grunkle Ford right now."

"Grunkle Ford will be here when we get back! He's not _that_ old! I, on the other hand, only have three days until my next video is scheduled to upload, and you know I will never miss an upload!"

"Mabel's Guide to 101-Degree Fevers did drive that home for me, yes," Dipper agreed. "But Grunkle Ford was telling me about-"

"It can wait! To the attic! Vrooooom!" With that, she sprinted off back upstairs.

Dipper sighed. "Sorry, Grunkle Ford, I need to go film Mabel's stupid vlog, otherwise I'll never hear the end of it," he grumbled.

"Don't fret at all! I don't know what a 'vlog' is, but it seems very important to your sister. In fact, I bet it isn't stupid at all to her," he remarked, trying to keep his voice light. "You just need to see it through her eyes, is all!"

Dipper walked to the elevator. "Easier said than done," he muttered to himself.

* * *

"And here we have one of my nicer catches, the mystical Meatloafer!" Stan declared, pulling back a curtain to reveal a meatloaf on a stool.

"That's a meatloaf on a stool," one of the younger kids pointed out. Yeesh. Every family had a Dipper, he supposed. "That's because you haven't seen its true power yet! You see, no matter how hard you try, this meatloaf will not budge from this stool, for it is just that lazy!"

There were mutterings of "Oh, the name makes so much sense now." in the audience. He grinned. Now that wordplay had (for the billionth time) convinced them, he would reel in the cash. "Of course, for $20, you can try to pull the meatloaf off of the stool, but y'know, it would take the strongest guy in the state to do that."

Immediately, every male in the group held up cash. Male stupidity was awesome. He was literally making money off of a meatloaf superglued to a stool. As he was about to ask them to line-up, Mabel ran through the exhibit.

"Nyyyooooooowww! Targets sighted! Pew pew ratatatatatatatat kerbloom!" she cried, keeping her arms fully stretched out, like an airplane. "Krsh, targets eliminated, returning to base! Nyyyuuuuuuu!" And then ran back around to the rest of the house.

Ok, that was weird. The group was just as shocked as he was. Hadn't he heard her asking around earlier about anyone wanting her energy drink from hell? That would explain it. Whelp, time to profit from it.

"Oh, no! My sweet, darling great-niece!" he cried, falling to his hands and knees. "She's been possessed by the ghost of a fighter jet! She was so precious, the light of my life! If only I could afford an exorcism! But with all the bills, my medication… I don't have the money! Why her?! Why her?! It should've been me!" he sobbed, keeping his head to the ground so no one could see his complete lack of tears.

"I… I can donate some money for her exorcism," one of the goody two-shoes in the group offered. Then, guided by mob mentality, all of them started offering him money. Stan smiled to himself before standing up, frown back on. He loved those kids. Good for his wallet, and, as much as he seldom cared to admit it, good for his heart.

* * *

 **AN: So here's another new chapter. Sure, it's shorter than the last one, and yeah, one fourth of it is dedicated to discussing fake nerd science, and y'know, it doesn't even mention Pacifica, and, that all sounds pretty lame in the context of a romantic fanfiction, but, I like to think that all of this world-building stuff is really nice. It's not just about the romance, it's about their lives, which helps make the romance more real. Or something. I dunno, I just like writing Gravity Falls. Get off my back! I'm not acting defensive, YOU'RE acting defensive! WHAT'S A FANFICTION?!**

 ***coughs* My inner Grunkle Stan aside, the next chapter will be dedicated to Pacifica world-building, so, stay tooned for that. That joke will never get old to me.**


	4. Pacifica Northwest's Day Off

Chapter 4: Pacifica Northwest's Day Off

Pacifica woke up. Of course, for her, waking up was a rather strong term. She had achieved consciousness, there that was better. She decided to use this consciousness to appreciate how warm and fluffy her bed was, as well as the lovely sensation of dozing. After a solid hour of indulgent appreciation, she decided she should probably get up. She stepped out of her canopy bed and looked around her room. A rich, soft carpet, her ornate desk where she did homework, her bookshelf, walk-in closet, and Sir Fluffy where the only things that occupied the rather vast space that was her room. Same old, same old. Still she thought of Mabel's reaction if she ever saw it. She'd probably freak out about how awesome it was, and insist they have a dance party. She'd definitely love Sir Fluffy. The thought put a smile on her face. She glanced over at the giant, stuffed bear she had gotten when she was 5. He had served her well through the harsh times, being her soft and cuddly hugging buddy. Nobody knew about him, it was her lovely little secret. She didn't even think her parents knew about it. They certainly hadn't been up to her room in years, and she highly doubted that they remembered it.

She walked into her walk-in closet to pick out her outfit for the day. She was going to the pool today, so obviously she would need a nice swimsuit. But she was faced with a quandary. She wanted to wear this great new t-shirt she bought the other day, but it was hot pink, and her favorite bikini was a deep purple. A bright color over a dark color in a place with lots of water was a bad combo. In the end, she decided to go with a cream-colored bikini, and wear the new shirt and a pair of jean shorts. She checked herself out in the mirror. Going a little more casual than usual, but it was a pool, and it did look great on her, so, really, no problems. She sat down at the vanity table to apply make-up. Nothing too showy today, just some waterproof cover-up and she was looking good.

She went down to the kitchen, asking the chef to surprise her for breakfast (it was really more brunch at this point but whatever). He made her a delicious-looking omelet. "Tasty, but light enough that it shouldn't bother the lady's stomach at the pool."

Pacifica smiled. "Thank you, Jacques." Her father always said that they shouldn't bother with thank yous, as the servants were already paid to do these things, but she knew how much a sign of appreciation would be… appreciated (summer had taken her brain already it seemed) for people who had to deal with the likes of her family.

"It is my pleasure, my lady," he bowed, leaving her to her meal. She ate it slowly, both to savor it and to give her time to think about the… difficult task ahead of her. When she finished her meal, she glanced up at the clock. Her parents should be in the den right around now. Joy. She contemplated talking to them after going to the pool, but, it would be for the best if she did it now.

She walked slowly through the mansion, going over in her head what she would say, how she would say it, and their likely responses. Hopefully, this would go smoothly. She walked into the den.

"Mom? Dad?" she asked. Her parents looked up at her, Mom from a book she was reading, and Dad from signing papers.

"What is it, Pacifica?"

"I was wondering, would it be alright if I slept over at Tiffany's house on Thursday?"

"Which one is Tiffany again?"

"The black girl? Her dad's the principal of our high school?"

"Ah, yes, Mr. Stevenson. He's a reputable man."

Pacifica tried not to let her disgust show. She hated when her dad used that word. Reputable. He never said someone was good, or decent, always reputable. It didn't matter to him what kind of person they were, all that mattered to him was what they had and what they had done. Mr. Stevenson was actually a fairly nice guy, but that made not one lick of difference to her father.

"Hmmm, you went out yesterday, you're going to the pool today, and now you want to go to somebody's house on Thursday?" her father spoke. "You seem to be going out quite often recently."

"Well, I am building relations with my peers, that's important," she responded.

"You're going to the pool today? In that?" her mother asked, making a face.

Pacifica looked down at her outfit. Did she look bad? The jean shorts did make her look kind of like a hillbilly. No, wait. She had to remember how _she_ had felt about this outfit. She had thought it looked great. She wouldn't let her mother's opinion get in her head. Still, it would be nice to get her mother's aprroval… No, she didn't need approval from someone like her mother.

"I like this outfit, Mom. I think it works for a casual summer day."

"You're not supposed to be casual, Pacifica. You're supposed to be better."

Pacific gritted her teeth. The conversation was not going smoothly. "I understand that, Mom. But if I wear my nice clothes, they might get pool water on them," she replied, hating herself. Once again, she had to belittle her own clothing choices to suit her mother's choices.

"You can always buy replacements."

"Now, now, Priscilla, saving money is earning money," her father objected. "As for this sleepover, young lady, I suppose you can go. But keep in mind the freedom I'm allowing you to have. I do not want to hear any more of the lip that you've been giving us lately."

Pacifica stared at her father's suit pocket. It sagged with a slight weight. "Of course. Thank you very much, Mom, Dad."

She left the den, breathing a sigh of relief. She had made it through another conversation with her parents. She hated this. What kind of household was this? What kind of child got gray hairs over just having to talk to her parents? Her, that's who. The Northwest family was fucked up, and had been fucked up for its entire history, and she was just on the receiving end of all of that general fuckery. Fuck.

She liked swearing at things in her head. It was incredibly cathartic. Not a single profanity ever made it past her beautifully-glossed lips, but in the confines of her head, it would make a sailor cry. Of course that sort of dissonance of what was in the head to was shown skin-level was really her trademark at this point. The only single person who had ever seen her cry in ten years was Sir Fluffy. She would keep it at that. She, for whatever cosmic reason, had been the one to inherit this fucked-up name. She alone would fix it. She had been bearing it alone all her life up until this point, and her pride as a globally-ranked minigolf champion would allow nothing less than par for the course.

* * *

She stepped out of her limo and onto the curb. She looked around, and saw her friends. Brad, Dylan, Tony, Tiffany, Veronica, and Melanie where the ones who could make it today. They were all there, but that made sense, since she got there not a minute early. A Northwest waited for nobody. "Hey, Pacifica!" Tiffany greeted her.

"Hey, guys," Pacifica greeted.

"Now the party can get started!" Dylan cheered.

She smiled. Hadn't heard that one before ever. Creativity wasn't Dylan's strong suit. But that was alright, he was a member of the cool table. Smile, act like everything everyone said was brilliant while you murdered them in your head. That was how you did it in the bourgeois.

"Since everybody's here, let's just head in," she suggested, walking forward to the pool. As soon as she passed them, they all followed behind her. She led the pack. They walked to the door to the pool. The pool didn't usually open until later in June, when it got hotter, but the Northwests had benefits. She walked right up to the gate to see where Mr. Poolcheck was. He was at the lifeguard seat, doing crunches off of the side of it. That was… creepy. "Excuse me," she called.

Poolcheck immediately sat straight up and fixed her with an unwavering stare.. "You're late, Ms. Northwest."

"Excuse me?"

"You are late," he repeated. "I was informed you would be here at 12:00 PM. But you are here at 12:02 PM."

"That's pretty close," Tony bravely pointed out.

"Close? I was _close_ to having my hand out of the way, and _look where that got me_ ," he snapped, pulling off his artificial hand. Everyone shivered. There was no one in Gravity Falls who hadn't seen him do it at some point, but it was still disturbing every time.

"Can you let us in regardless?" Pacifica asked.

He walked over to the gate and opened it. "Ms. Northwest," he began. "While your family is of far too much importance for me to inflict any punishment on you or your friends, know this. I will be watching. And I will remember all misdemeanors. _All_ of them," he growled.

Pacifica nodded wordlessly, as did the rest of her friends. There was nobody in Gravity Falls who dared to rebel against Mr. Poolcheck. Confidence, stature, none of it mattered in the face of… whatever the hell he was.

He stood off to the side, allowing them entrance. They hurried over to the pool, careful to do so without actually running. "That guy seriously creeps me out," Veronica muttered. "Can't your family do something about him?"

"It's not like the pool is affiliated with us financially," she responded. "And nobody in their right mind would try to strongarm that guy personally."

"Whatever. As long as he doesn't try to check PC out, we're good," Brad spoke up out of nowhere, turning to smile at her. "That's my job."

"Speaking of creeps," Veronica muttered. Pacifica laughed.

"Brad, if that's your job, then let me tell you, you are not in position for a promotion," she told him.

A collective "Ooooh" was chorused by everyone present. "Is it because I'm not putting in enough time?" he "flirted". "Don't worry, I'll get right on that."

Oh my god, what a douchebag. If he hadn't been keeping this up since freshman year, Pacifica would have assumed it was some kind of joke, but no, he was just really fucking creepy. Who thought going from "Mr. Poolcheck" to "flirting" was even a remotely acceptable transition? "Please don't," she advised.

He nodded and grinned at her, like she had just made a good move in a game of chess. Wait, did he think she was being _coy_? What the fuck? She literally just told him to stop, in front of their entire friend circle. Would she have to actually stab him in order to get the point across? Actually, that had its merits, and she could, as a Northwest, probably brush it under the rug… But why deprive the sexual harassment PSA business of such a promising actor? She had a better idea.

"The water looks cold, Brad. Could you test it for me?" Pacifica asked sweetly.

"Sure thing, PC." He walked over to the pool edge to test the water. One swift kick in the ass later, and he was testing the water with his entire body.

"How's the water?" she asked.

"Fine," he grinned, surfacing. "It would be better if you joined me though."

Well, he was determined. She'd give him that. His determination was wholly unappreciated, as well as completely unwarranted, but it was there. She would have actually found it commendable if it were dedicated towards something like curing cancer rather than trying to sleep with her.

"Nah man, I don't think Pacifica's going to go in now that the pool's that dirty," Dylan joked. Alright, Dylan redeemed himself a little bit with that one.

"You're hilarious, Dylan," Brad jibed while getting out of the pool. "But I'm sure PC doesn't mind getting a little dirty," he added with a wink.

There was a moment of silence.

"I think he just called you a whore," Veronica observed.

"What? I-I did not!" he blubbered.

"You kinda did, dude," Tony asserted. Brad opened his mouth to argue. "Just let it go, man."

"You really know how to charm a lady, Brad," Pacifica mocked. Brad's shoulders slumped, the pressure of social disapproval finally weighing down upon him. Once Brad had stopped talking, everyone put their things down. Pacifica walked over to take her rightful place at the best seat at the pool. The pool was devoid of anyone else, so it lost some of its advantages, but she sat there anyway. It was the principle of the thing. What was a queen without her throne?

She stripped down to her her swimsuit and started applying sunscreen. Ignoring Brad's male gaze, she moved on to her second layer of sunscreen. It was a little weird, applying several layers of sunscreen at once, but she was not risking permanent skin damage for anything. Freckles, burns, or, God forbid, cancer would be ruinous. Besides, everybody knew better than to tease her about it. She turned to where everyone else was sitting. "Can someone who isn't Brad get my back for me?" she asked.

Tiffany skipped over to her. Pacifica handed her her sunscreen and turned her back, pulling her hair over her shoulder. "So," Tiffany started, rubbing the lotion on her hands. "What do you think of Lucci's summer line?"

"I don't know if I like it," Pacifica noted, mentally tensing up as Tiffany brought her hands closer. "They were going for a more simple, classic look for this line, and I mean, I can respect that, but you know me, I prefer to go bold." Tiffany placed her hands on Pacifica's back. She made sure she didn't flinch, but _fuck_ , that was cold. What was it about sunscreen that it had to feel freezing at room temperature?

"Totally," Tiffany agreed, unaware of her plight, making sure the ice-cold liquid was even across her back. "I mean, like, I'd wear that stuff to like, a picnic or a family reunion or something. But I need something that's going to cause heads to roll too."

Pacifica hummed in a vaguely agreeable manner. She distinctly remembered Tiffany thinking that the spring line (which was disturbingly similar to the summer line, now that she was thinking about it- What were the people at Lucci even doing?) was "insanely cute". Which meant she was just adjusting her opinion to Pacifica's. Pacifica rolled her eyes. She could not believe how much these people conformed to her. Get a backbone already.

No, that was wrong of her. It's not like she hadn't bashed her two best friends last week. Chiding other people for being two-faced didn't make her any less two-faced herself. Just because she was aware of the problem didn't mean she was better than them. If anything, it made her worse than them. But still, it bothered her that none of them were genuine. Not that she planned on being genuine with them either. Wow, she was a hypocrite.

"Done!" Tiffany declared. "Three layers, just like you like it!"

Pacifica turned around, smiling her gratitude and taking her sunscreen back. She dropped it onto her chair, and sat back down. "You're not hopping in?" Tiffany asked.

She shook her head. "If I don't wait, all of it will just wash off," she explained, trying to not sound exasperated. Tiffany liked to ask questions she should already know the answer to, and Pacifica was starting to lose patience with getting her caught up.

Tiffany nodded very quickly. "Oh, duh," she replied in an appeasing tone, implying that Pacifica had failed in her efforts. "I'm so dumb sometimes."

Pacifica didn't bother to confirm or deny that statement. "Go ahead and jump in. I'll be fine on my own."

"Brad hasn't gotten in the water either."

"On second thought, would you stay here?"

Tiffany giggled. "You know, I'm sure he's not that bad. I mean, yeah, definitely coming on a little too strong, but y'know, he's pretty funny, he's certainly good-looking, and most importantly, you've already got him wrapped around your finger."

"Yeah, I mean, that's all true, but, ugh, just dealing with him is just… no thanks, you know?"

Tiffany hummed in thought. "Yeah, besides, it's not like you don't have your own pool of guys to pick from at your leisure."

"Right, I can certainly find someone better than Brad," Pacifica agreed. Or better yet, she could find nobody at all. She had no plans to get an a relationship as intimate as a boyfriend would be. She didn't need anybody, and with her… personal issues, it would be far more trouble than it was worth. As far as her friends were concerned, however, she was just waiting for the right guy. "Not interested in a boyfriend at all" was not something a girl her age was allowed to say, for fear of being a freak. _Emotional preferences know no societal gender rules,_ an imaginary Mabel chided her in her head. Sure, but a bunch of insecure teenagers from backwoods Oregon were not quite as open-minded as the girl who once married a pig and a goat.

She zoned back in to reality to find Tiffany was rambling abut some cute guy whose number she got at the mall. "Are you going to text him?" Pacifica asked.

"I dunno," Tiffany remarked. "You never want to be the first one to text, but if he doesn't text by the day after tomorrow then definitely."

Pacifica smiled to herself. "What?"

"Oh, nothing, just thinking of something funny," she replied. "I think my sunscreen won't wash off if I hop in now, so let's go."

"Yay!"

After a few hours of pool volleyball, gossip, and a few laps back and forth down the pool (her figure wasn't going to maintain itself) Pacifica found herself resting on her pool chair, the less dangerous rays of sunlight filtering into her. She flipped over to her back, getting a glance at her friends as she did so. One of her favorite aspects of this pool chair was that it was notably far away from all the other pool chairs, meaning that she did not have to engage in social interaction unless she wanted to. Which, right now, she didn't.

It wasn't that she didn't like her friends, they were just exhausting. Between Dylan's dumb jokes, Tiffany's complete unwillingness to think for herself, and Brad's… Brad-ness, and then everyone else throwing in their inane thoughts and opinions, it was really stressful to not flip her lid completely. That's why she enjoyed the seat, it was nice and quiet. No people around her, no parents, no immediate responsibilities or appearances to maintain, just her and the warm sunlight. She felt like she deserved it. Nobody dare trifle with a queen once she has rightfully taken her throne.

* * *

 **To: Dipper**

 **9/25/12 4:32 PM**

 **Pacifica:** _So how come you haven't texted me once in the month that you've had my phone number?_

 **Dipper:** _No reason, just been busy_

 **P:** _I see_

 **D:** _I mean I'm not trying to avoid you or anything_

 **P:** _Seems like you're avoiding me_

 **D:** _I'm not, it's just, isn't it weird to just start talking to someone out of the blue? Like, just starting up a conversation at random is weird, right?_

 **P:** _That is so you lol_

 **D:** _What does that mean?_

 **P:** _It means it is perfectly normal for friends to talk to each other, doofus. You don't need to get embarrassed about it_

 **D:** _Noted, but I wanted to know what "lol" meant. Is it like a code?_

 **P:** _And the laughter has quickly turned to disappointment. It means "laughing out loud"_

 **D:** _Oh that makes sense. It didn't mean anything in any of the ciphers I know. Because it's just an acronym._

 **P:** _Just text me whenever you feel like it, and I'll text you whenever I feel like it. You need the experience, I think._

* * *

 **AN: Current aesthetic: 13 year-old Dipper not knowing how to text. I feel you man, I feel you. Anyhoo, middle of the range chapter this time, because, well, despite fashion being to Pacifica what science is to Dipper, I actually know nothing about fashion, and a lot about (fake nerd) science. Unequal treatment right there. It's a shame that I can't do Pacifica's hobby the justice it deserves, but I can't. My apologies. Next time, the big sleepover. Stay tooned!**

 **And, as a casual aside, I have a Tumblr. I don't sell zit cream from it, but I do answer any questions, comments or concerns you might have, make *cough* 'witty' jokes, occasionally draw, and then reblog jokes and art from people who are significantly better than me at life. So, drop on by .com if you want to hang out with the cool kids. Hmmm, probably should've saved that line for a chapter for that didn't involve putting the 'cool kids' in a negative light. Well, the delete button is broken, so go big or go home!**


	5. Mabel's Guide to Being a Shipper

Chapter 5: Mabel's Guide to Being A Shameless Shipper

For Dipper and Mabel Pines, the next few days were perfectly normal. They spent their time chatting with Wendy and Soos, Dipper did research with Grunkle Ford in his lab, Mabel edited her next vlog, and Grunkle Stan got them to remove the giant armadillo-like creature that had burrowed its home behind the Shack. Perfectly normal.

Thursday found Mabel, Soos, and Wendy sitting around the gift shop, talking about their respective love lives. The door chimed. They all tensed up in shock that they might actually have a customer midday on a Thursday, but immediately relaxed when they saw it was just Dipper, draining the remains of a chocolate milk bottle.

"How was the gym, Bro-bro?" Mabel asked.

"Eh," Dipper grunted. "Got my workout done, did some shadow boxing, so it wasn't bad, but Manly Dan was there. A guy can't feel accomplished with Manly Dan in the room."

Wendy laughed. "Yeah, Dad's pretty overwhelming."

"I'll say," Dipper muttered. He tossed the empty bottle of chocolate milk towards the trash bins. It was a high throw, and a little wide, but he knew it would make it in. Mabel dashed from where she was, and slammed the bottle into the recycling bin.

"Alley-oop!" she whooped.

"And the Pines have scored yet again, putting the Golden State Warblers ahead by another 2 points!" Dipper exclaimed in a deep announcer voice.

Wendy and Soos laughed. "You guys should totally go pro," Wendy joked.

"It's crazy how in-sync that was," Soos added.

"Years of Mabel saving me the embarrassment of failed trash shots, and we've finally perfected the art," Dipper grinned. "So what have you guys been up to all day?"

"Romance and junk," Wendy told him. "Swapping old wives' tales about our significant others and why, with the exception of Melody, they're all dumb."

"Old wives' tales?" Dipper asked. "Never thought Wendy Corduroy would say that one."

"Dude, I am poetic as shit," she insisted.

"Ah, I see it now. My apologies. Clearly, I'm in the presence of the next Whitman."

"It's alright," Mabel sniggered. "You just couldn't see it because you didn't have the wit, man."

Dipper sighed as Mabel broke down laughing. "So, are any of you guys staying for the big season finale tonight?" Dipper asked.

"Nah, man, this is the last night before my brothers head off to Logger Camp," Wendy explained. "We're having a big family dinner."

"Me, Melody, and Abuelita always make sure we see each new episode together," Soos explained. "It's a bonding-type deal."

"Got it." He looked over to his sister, who had finally stopped laughing at her own joke. "And what time is Pacifica coming over?"

"Why are you so concerned about when Pacifica gets here, _hmmmm_?" Mabel interrogated.

Dipper rolled his eyes. Not with this again. "Because she's my friend, and I generally like to know things."

"Oh? And did you want to take a shower and look good beforehand?"

"That was the plan," he grimaced. This was not going in his favor.

"Whoah, whoah, whoah," Wendy chimed in. "Dipper Pines is taking a shower? Because a girl is coming over? I never got that kind of treatment."

"You work here on a daily basis. I wasn't going to go through _that_ much effort. And no," He raised his hand as Mabel opened her mouth. "The fact that I don't take a shower every day is not a thing we're talking about right now. Look, I haven't seen her a while, figured it would be rude to just be gross the entire time she's here, alright? You can all calm down."

"I dunno, dude, you are kinda bad with hygiene," Soos noted. "And I know when Melody and I started living together, I stopped doing a bunch of my gross stuff too. Girls change us, dude."

"I'm not changing, I'm just being polite," Dipper seethed. What was it with everyone shipping him and Pacifica? Had Mabel paid them or something?

"Alright, dude, if you say so. But trust me, love doesn't wait for you to pick it. It picks you. Like one might pick a puppy from the pound."

"Thank you for the advice, Soos. I'll keep it in mind. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to depart from the conversation before it goes even further south. I'll see you guys later," he declared, heading towards the inside of the Shack.

Dipper walked up to the bathroom, slightly shell-shocked. He remembered helping Mabel coach Soos to just be able to talk to a girl. Now Soos was giving him advice on the nature of love. Everyone around him was so much more experienced in love then he was. When had that happened? Well, Wendy had always been that way, but Mabel and Soos? They had been in some pretty major relationships. Soos was getting married. And here he was, left in the dust.

No girl had ever come up to flirt with him, like Melody had for Soos, and nobody seemed to accept his affections, like Mermando, Will, Tony, and an entire freaking boy band had done for Mabel. Why? He looked at himself in the bathroom mirror. He wasn't bad-looking. Girls probably didn't go for bags under the eyes or horrible, slouching posture, though. He was kinda muscular. That was something. And he was a good conversation. Sometimes. He wasn't nearly as good with people as his sister, and his shortcomings in that regard were pretty immediately visible. But hey, he had only ever asked out two girls, and really, he shouldn't count Wendy. One girl. He had only asked out one girl. He just wasn't Jenna's type. Or anybody's. That was still a very real possibility. Nah, statistically-speaking, he would find somebody. Well, statistically-speaking, he would probably find somebody. Wow, he sucked at pep talks. Add that to the list of faults, and, oh goody, he had come out worse than he started. Truly, Dipper Pines was the pinnacle of positivity. A champion of cheer. An obelisk of optimism. A-

"Dipper, hurry up with your shower! The video goes up in 15 minutes!" Mabel called out.

His pep-talk-turned-chastising-turned-weird-alliteration-game was put on hold indefinitely as he rushed through his shower routine.

"So how much time do we have?" Dipper asked, walking into Mabel's room.

"Two minutes," she responded, lounging on her bed, staring at her computer.

Just enough time to make the usual bet. He sat down on the edge of her bed. "What are you thinking?"

"If I win, you have to escort Pacifica to and from her car every time she decides to come to the Shack. And I'll use Pacifica's current lack of knowledge of the Lamby-Lamby Dance as collateral."

Dipper groaned. He wasn't sure who he blamed more, his mother for creating such mortifying blackmail, or his sister for using it so liberally. "Fine," he grunted. "But if I win, you have to stop trying to get me and Pacifica to hook up, and as my collateral, I'll tell Mom about how you would drive to Tony's in the dead of night."

"Ooph, this week's is _super_ serious. Blargh."

"Yeah, well, you started it. What's your bet?"

"Pixelqueen's 'first' comment hasn't been first comment in a while, so I'm going to say it is actually first this week."

"Gambler's fallacy is assuming that a low means a rise. Her chances aren't any better this week," Dipper reminded her. "I'm going to say that she's not this time either, and then, as a safety net, I'm calling that there's going to be 'Dipper is a prick' comment in the first five minutes."

"Awww, that's sad. Betting against yourself makes Mabel sad."

Dipper shrugged. "I was pretty irritated right at the beginning, and I know that at least a few of your almost one million subscribers are not going to take kindly to that."

Mabel started butterfly kicking furiously. "I'm so close to a million! Why can't I get there?!"

"The fact that you're even close is already completely insane. Be grateful," Dipper chastised. "But I might be ruining your chances with my, what was it? 'Voice so grating it kills babies'?"

Mabel wrinkled her nose. "That guy was such a butthead."

"And I'm sure he was utterly distraught when you replied to him with such. Video's up!"

"C'mon, pixelqueen, work your magic, girl!" Mabel cheered.

The first notification that comments had been posted popped up. Mabel clicked it with crossed fingers. There were two comments. The one on the bottom was a "First!" from pixelqueen.

"Whoo!" Mabel cheered.

"It's not over yet!" Dipper countered. "I'm still calling the prick comment, remember?"

They waited patiently, Dipper a little less patiently than Mabel. If there was a comment denouncing him, then he got a second chance to win the bet next week. Still, if there wasn't, Mabel would go full tilt in trying to get Pacifica and him together. But, c'mon, he knew the internet. There was going to be a comment lambasting him, no doubt. At 12:05, Mabel refreshed the page. She scrolled through the comments. A bunch asking about where they were in Oregon, some excited to see her so happy, one mentioned they knew it was going to be good when Dipper commented on the Mabel Juice, but not one negatively impacted Dipper. They reached the comment reading: "First!"

Mabel and Dipper both shot up.

"WHOO! Now you can't even complain about it!"

"Seriously?! How is that possible?! There has never been a video without a comment saying I'm bad, and I was actively antagonistic in this one!"

"Face it, Bro-bro, the universe ships Dipifica!"

"That's a bad ship name! But while we're on the topic, how did you get Wendy and Soos on board?"

"It's just that much of an OTP. They could tell just from yesterday!"

"They've seen TV episodes longer than the time we talked!" Dipper hissed. "How could they possibly see anything romantic in that time?"

"OTP! OTP!" she started chanting.

"Please stop saying that. Don't ship actual people this strongly."

"I can't help it, it's totally my-"

"Don't," Dipper warned. "Mabel, we both know you have a habit of going completely insane over random things, and this is one of those things. I think it is beneficial to all parties involved if you actually calmed down about all of this. It's actually starting to get on my nerves."

"Alright, fine, fine," Mabel conceded. "I won't be too crazy. That doesn't mean you get out of the bet though!"

"Fine. I'll pick her up whenever she comes here. Happy?"

"For now," Mabel agreed.

"That wasn't comforting."

* * *

Pacifica flipped open her laptop. She had just come back up to her room from lunch, and decided to have a nice little siesta before going over to the Mystery Shack. A sleepover with Mabel promised minimal actual sleep, so she had to relax while she could. She opened up YouView and clicked on Mabel's newest vlog. She was an avid fan of the show, frankly. It was funny, sweet, and a good way to keep track of her friends.

The video loaded up to play the theme song, as a montage of old episodes played. It ended on the title card, which appeared to be an old Sevral Timez poster, with the words "Room Decoration" bezazzled over it. It cut to Mabel in the attic.

"Hey all you lovely people, I'm Mabel Pines!" Mabel said, doing jumping jacks on her bed. "Mabel's Guide to Life is going to be very special for this summer, because, right now, we are in the greatest place on Earth, our great-uncle's house, in Oregon! Dipper, pan the camera around the room!"

"Mabel, we're in the attic, they still won't know where we-"

"PAN!"

"Gah, fine!"

The camera panned around the attic, only to turn into Mabel's suddenly up-close face. The camera jolted back. "F***! Mabel! Stop doing that!"

"As you can see," Mabel started. "The attic is a little bit sparse, so as, you might have gathered, we are going to be decorating! Follow me, Dipper! We're going into town to buy supplies!"

The camera followed her bounding to the door, then it flipped over to Dipper's face.

"I'd like to apologize in advance for Mabel," he spoke. "She chugged an entire blender of Mabel Juice this morning for no reason, so she's a little bit crazy."

"YOU'RE ackin' cray-cray!" came from Mabel off-screen.

"Not what I said! Ugh, whatever, enjoy the episode."

The video transitioned to them inside a furniture store. "Now, the first thing we want to look at is furniture. You really have to think about what you'll need beforehand, and make sure to keep in mind your space. I for example, need a nice, big rug, and a bean bag. My studio is going to be up there too, so I'm still going to need some space, so I can't buy anything too big. Wax figures require lots of space, after all!"

"Unless the wax figure is of a ghost. Those don't take any space at all!"

Mabel shook her head. A "wah wah waah" sound played. "...You're going to edit in the 'wah wah waah' sound aren't you?"

"What? No!" she lied, winking to the camera.

"Mabel, I'm your cameraman. I can see you wink-"

"Edit!"

They were in a fabric store. "Now that the blueprinty stuff is out of the way, we get to focus on the really fun stuff, decorating! So, of course your room has to have a complementary color scheme! The closer everything is on the color wheel, the better! Or, if you go chic, and go with more mild, solid colors for each thing, your beige, your faded black, your maroons, that can work too! Of course, we all know that I'm sticking with my purples and pinks."

"Shocker of the year."

"Haha, I do not have to pay you!"

"You don't pay me."

"Touche!"

The episode continued like that, them going from store to store, getting things and then, the servant Pacifica now knew as Soos picked them up in his truck. She watched as Mabel moved, decorated, and painted her room at a considerably sped-up rate. It was dark outside the window when the footage cut back to normal speed. "Dinner's ready, Mabel," Dipper's voice called from somewhere. Mabel dashed off-camera and came back pulling him into the frame.

"What do you think?" she asked.

"It looks like it's definitely your room," Dipper said, clearly having no opinion on it.

Mabel frowned and slapped a sticker on his shirt. He walked over to the camera, and picked it up, probably using it as a makeshift mirror. The camera showed a circular sticker, with the phrase "Don't be so boar-ing!" with a sleeping boar at the bottom. "This seems like a rude thing to put on a sticker," Dipper observed.

"Yeah, well, if people with your sour-puss attitude didn't exist, they wouldn't have to," Mabel pouted. "Well, I guess it doesn't matter, because this next surprise is going to blow your mind! Grab the camera!"

The camera was picked up and pointed at Mabel as she walked over to her bed.

"So what kind of surprise is it?" Dipper asked, striding towards her.

"Well, it's not a surprise so much as it is a… FUR PRIZE!" She pulled a large, very old… bear thing out from behind her bed. It had a vest and a cap, and its plastic face looked like it belonged on a horror movie poster. Dipper did not react kindly to it.

"Why did you bring Bear-o here?!" he asked, backing away from Mabel.

"Oh, he he just wanted to see if there were any good salmon in Oregon!" And then, in a deeper voice. "Did somebody say salmon?"

"Oh, not right here, you silly clown!" she responded to herself.

"D'oh, I can't wait till I get my paws on some. Do you want some salmon, Dipper?"

"I am not talking to Bear-o."

"Oooh, Dipper, don't be like that! We're the bear-st of pals!" she said, marching towards him as he backed up. "We are claws as brothers! You haven't fur-gotten all of our fun times together have you?" She started shoving Bear-o in his face.

"Dipper! Mabel! Get down here already! Waddles is looking at your food, and I'm not about to get out of my seat to stop him from eating it!"

"Oooh, maybe we're eating salmon tonight!" Mabel started going to the door, but the camera swerved in front of her.

"Give me Bear-o first," Dipper commanded. "That thing looks like it was the inspiration for Six Nights at Sammy's, not to mention you get twice as crazy whenever you bring him out. Give it to me before you leave this room."

Mabel shielded Bear-o with her body. "YOU CAN'T FETTER THE SWEATER!" she screamed, before pushing him aside and running out of the room.

The camera staggered a bit before turning to Dipper's face. "Well, that's I guess that's the end of this week's Mabel's Guide to Life. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to-"

"SWEET MOSES, WHAT IS THAT THING?!"

"Don't worry, Mabel! I've got it!"

Dipper blanched as what sounded like a laser fired.

"BEAR-O! NOOOOO!"

"Episode's over!" he blurted, the camera spinning around as he quickly turned it off.

Pacifica laughed as the video ended. It had been a quality episode. Not really pertinent to her, but funny regardless. She'd have to ask how the ending went down in actuality. Speaking of which, she pulled her phone out of her pocket. She sent Mabel a text. _Just saw your video. Hilarious as always. What time do you want me to come over?_

A response came immediately. _Whenever you want! So long as you've eaten lunch. Grunkle Stan doesn't like feeding more people than he has too. :P But make sure you text me when you get near the bottom of the hill! There'll be a surprise waiting for you! =D_

Pacifica frowned. Surprises from the Pines usually didn't go to well. _'My entire family history is a lie' surprise, 'you spread a rumor my butler picked my nose for me' surprise, or 'this mini-golf course is going to kill you' surprise?_

 _It's going to be a good one this time! Promise!_

* * *

Pacifica walked to the path leading to the Mystery Shack to see her "surprise" in a T-shirt, jeans, and a very familiar hat. "I cannot believe you still have that thing," Pacifica laughed. "Is it even the same one?"

"Of course," Dipper replied, rubbing the bill of his blue, pine tree hat. "This is the greatest hat in the history of ever. It's only appropriate, too, now that I'm finally back."

"Well, I'm happy to see that your nostalgia glasses prevent you from seeing how much of dork you look like right now," Pacifica teased. "Because, let me tell you, it is almost painful to look at otherwise."

Dipper rolled his eyes. "Can't even wear a hat without you tearing me apart for it. Remind me why we're friends again?"

"Beats me. I don't even know why you're down here. Isn't walking me around against your code of honor or something?"

"Mabel blackmailed me into being your bodyguard whenever you come here," Dipper answered.

"No offense, but I think I'd prefer Mabel as my bodyguard," Pacifica said.

Dipper nodded. "That's a smart choice. It pains me to say it, but she still is the stronger of us two."

"I'm sure you can handle yourself just fine," Pacifica placated. "Here, I'll boost your manliness factor by letting you carry my things." She handed him her sleeping bag.

Dipper lifted it over his shoulder. "Free pancakes, here I come," he joked.

She stared at him blankly. "What? Seriously? You've never been to Greasy's Diner?"

"Dipper, what makes you think I would go anywhere near a place called 'Greasy's Diner'?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah, I guess that's a good point. It's the Pines family's go-to restaurant, so I figured everyone had been. Anyway, they have this machine called the Manliness Tester, and you get free pancakes if you beat it. That's the joke."

Pacifica nodded, beginning to walk up the hill. "I'll make sure to archive that in the Vault of Dipper's Incredibly Hilarious Jokes we have at home."

He kept pace next to her. "You're lucky I'm being blackmailed or this bag would go straight into the forest."

"About that, there's a secret so bad that it gets you to be my escort for the rest of summer? I could stand to have blackmail like that."

"I'm doing this precisely because I don't want you to have it."

They continued walking in silence for a minute, having reached a dead end in their back-and-forth. Pacifica realized that she was a little bit bothered by the silence. They hadn't seen each other in four years. They should be talking more.

"So, how does it feel to be back?" she asked.

"Fantastic," Dipper answered immediately. "It feels really, really good. The Shack hasn't changed at all, neither have Grunkles Stan or Ford, Wendy's in college and Soos is engaged so I guess there are some things different, but it's still all there where I remember it."

"The man-baby is engaged?" Pacifca asked, shocked. She clapped her hand over mouth and sent him a silent apology.

Dipper only laughed. "No worries, I can see what you mean. Yeah, he met Melody when we were here last. She lived in Portland for a while, so they were long-distance, but Soos got her to come back and replace Wendy while she was at college, and they tied the knot after a while."

"Good for him," Pacifica replied. She didn't actually care that much, but she didn't want to dampen Dipper's mood about it. She did find it interesting that their long-distance relationship worked out well. The common social mantra was that those never worked, but now the only two people she even indirectly knew in a long-distance relationship had gotten married. How peculiar.

"Oh yeah, and guess what?" Dipper continued. "I'm gonna be the best man!"

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. Soos asked me," he said excitedly. Pacifica kept the comment that obviously the groom would be the one to decide the best man to herself. She could see why Dipper was pumped. Someone valued his friendship enough to give him such an honor. It was a concrete sign of how close he was with Soos. Frankly, she was a little jealous. She didn't have anything like that with anybody.

"But I'm just talking about stuff you probably don't care about," Dipper reflected. "How are you doing? How's life for you?"

Pacifica kicked a rock. "Same old, same old. Still the best at everything."

"Parents?"

She stared down at her feet. "They've been letting me out of the house more. Y'know, letting me go to social events and stuff, so I can keep our reputation upheld amongst the common folk. Still not allowed out of my room during the annual gala though."

"As charming as ever, then. Still, you're breaking the rules coming here, so you're definitely breaking the mold."

"How do you know I'm breaking the rules?"

"Well, I can't imagine they particularly approve of me or the Pines family after that summer, and what other reason would you have to tell your chauffeur to drop you off near the bottom of the hill if he didn't think you were going to some other friend's house?"

"Detective Dipper has done it again. Good job," she said, giving him a slow clap.

"Hey, umm, this is super random, but can we bring up the elephant in the room?" Dipper asked suddenly.

"Ummm… sure, I guess." A small sliver of worry echoed in her mind. She didn't know what he was talking about, and that made her nervous.

"We're both way different from when we were 12," he said quickly. "Like, I've been here almost a week, and you are easily the thing that has changed most in this town. I mean, you know, that makes sense, because we're at the age where we change a lot, but still, I'm kind of not used to it."

Pacifica nodded. She knew exactly what he meant. "Yeah, you're pretty different yourself. Still not used to your voice, or the fact that you're, y'know, like, ugh, this is going to make me throw up, but… manlier."

Dipper's face lit up like a Christmas tree. "Really? Well, I mean, yeah, obviously, what with boxing, and growing up and all that, but for even you to acknowledge it, I guess ol' Dipper's been doing pretty good for himself."

"Already regret saying it. So what about me? How have I changed?"

"Well, you're a bit more… antagonistic? Like, I don't mean that in a bad way, you've just gotten a lot more genuinely snarky over the years. Again, not bad, just different."

She nodded. She had noticed this trend as well. "Anything else?"

"Well, I mean, y'know… obvious differences… Too obvious to bring up, really..." he stammered.

Oh, well this was interesting. His face was growing red. It was rare for her to see Dipper lose his composure like this. "Bring it up anyway," she insisted.

"You've got, y'know, a polynomial figure."

"I am not enough of a nerd to know what that means."

"You've gotten curvy," he blurted out, his entire face bright red.

Dipper made it his new goal in life to stare at his feet, which meant he only heard Pacifica laughing, he didn't see it. That was better somehow. "Oh my god, you are so _embarrassed_ ," she noted gleefully. "Have you never talked to a girl before? Ever? Surely something like this must have come up at some point?"

"Well, yeah, some of my female friends at school ask me to appraise their looks, but it feels weird saying it to you! It would be like you coming up to me and saying, 'Hey, nice abs, Dipper!' It's just weird!"

"Alright, alright, I see what you mean," Pacifica chuckled. "So we're both different, and it's a little awkward and weird, primarily because you are a complete dork, but hey, we're still friends right?" She asked, giving him a smile.

Dipper returned the smile. "Totally."

"Well that's the important thing. See? Problem solved. You're welcome."

They shared a brief moment of silence, showing that they both understood the significance of such a bonding moment, when Dipper spoke up. "Wait. Did I just get friendship advice from Pacifica Northwest?"

"Yep. You are officially the worst at being friends. Congratulations, I thought my general lack of kindness would let me hold the title for life, but your sheer inability to handle when other people are slightly different than what you expect overcame the odds."

"That hit a little too close to home, actually."

"Well luckily, I'm not nice, so I don't care!"

Dipper sighed. "Yeah, I guess I walked into that one."

"Nah, only if you move a couple feet to your left," Pacifica suggested.

Dipper turned to his left to see the trees he was walking past. He turned back with a look of mock-disgust. "I have never been more disappointed in another human being in my life," he decided.

Pacifica smiled. His exact phrasing brought up... less than pleasant emotions, but she was sure Dipper meant no ill will, and that was a pretty funny reaction. "Oh, come on, you live with Mabel. You should be used to dumb jokes by now."

"I hold Mabel and the rest of humanity to different standards."

Pacifica put her hand to her mouth. "Oooh, I am telling her you said that. That was harsh."

"You know what I mean. Some of those standards are higher, some are lower."

"Don't worry, I get what you mean," Pacifica affirmed, looking up at the Shack that was coming into view. It felt weird, acknowledging Mabel's flaws with her brother, however roundabout they were about it. Well, she vocalized dislike all the time, but never before about somebody she actually really liked. She supposed that's what real friendship was, though. Acknowledging their faults while still caring for them deeply. Usually, gossiping was reserved for people who were mutually disliked, rather than a passing acknowledgement of a friend's errors. Interesting.

It briefly occurred to her that Dipper and Mabel might have talked about her flaws behind her back. A brief panic struck over her. Did they? What did they say? Did they the same things she said about other people? Then she realized: the boy walking next to her had no problem calling her "the worst" before slamming a door in her face, or interrupting a conversation to talk about his perceived awkwardness with the new situation. Rude, and entirely not socially proper, but if he had a problem with her, he would tell her. She smiled at the thought.

"Welp. Here we are, the Mystery Shack," Dipper announced. "In all its ramshackle glory."

She zoned back in to reality to see that they were in fact right in front of the Shack's front door. He coughed into his hand. "Now, about my tip..."

"Don't be such a nerd," she advised without missing a beat.

Dipper sighed. "I offer you a trial in philanthropy, and you fail it miserably."

"Mabel not selling you out is payment enough, I think," she replied, opening the door.

"Well, it was worth a shot," Dipper shrugged, handing her her bag. "Have fun with Mabel, I'll see you for the-"

Their conversation was brought to a screeching halt as a shriek echoed down from the attic. A terrified shriek that sounded very much like Mabel.

* * *

 **AN: Oh man, it has been a while! I started college shortly after the last chapter was posted, and adjusting has taken most of my time. This and the next chapter were originally going to be one giant chapter to make up for the long wait, but it was taking too long, and I wanted to get this out before the next episode, so here's the first half!**

 **Also, for those readers who haven't taken a calculus class, when Dipper calls Pacifica "polynomial", he's referring to polynomial equations, which, when graphed, yield a curved line. The more you know! Still, it really says something about him that his first thought was to use a calculus analogy. Fucking nerd.**

 **Also also, got questions, comments, concerns? Enjoy the occasional witticism? Then search up "theinsomniactree" on Tumblr! I'll try not to disappoint! Speaking of trying not to disappoint, I'll see you all in the next chapter, where, as you might have guessed by the cliffhanger, spooky supernatural action will happen! Thanks for reading!**


	6. The SSSSSS

Chapter 6: The Super Sleuthing Sleepover Squad's Spectacular Special

Dipper lunged up the stairs to the attic, all sorts of possibilities flashing through his mind. In this forest, there was no shortage of things that could elicit a scream like that. He ignored the insane fear and paralyzing coldness that gripped his heart. Those wouldn't save his sister. He burst into her room to see the window broken and her running around frantically. "Mabel, what's wrong?!"

"Bear-O's been bearnapped!" she cried.

Dipper took a beat to register. "What?"

"Somebody broke in and took him! I can't find him anywhere!"

Dipper immediately felt the adrenaline get replaced with embarrassment and irritation. Seriously? Bear-o was the concern here? "Don't scream bloody murder because your dumb decapitated bear was stolen!" he snapped. "And while we're on the note, be more worried that something broke into the house than the fact that one of your countless stuffed animals is gone."

"Hey!" she turned to him. "Bear-o has been with me for years! And nothing else is out of place, so relax!"

"You can't remember what's on a grocery list! How are you supposed to remember exactly where everything was in your room?"

"As much as I could film this," Grunkle Stan remarked, having made it up the stairs. "It's not really marketable at your age, so I'd much rather you two figure out what broke my window. In fact, you two, figure out what broke my window."

"Aw, dudes!" Soos chimed in, having followed Stan. "Is this the first big mystery of the summer?"

"I guess," Dipper grumbled. He turned to Mabel. "Are you _sure_ nothing was stolen from your room aside from Bear-o?"

"Positive," she responded. "I spent all of Monday giving everything a proper place. Nothing else is gone."

"Fine then," he relented. "Where was Bear-o before he was taken?"

She pointed to a spot in the corner. He walked over and inspected the ground. There were a few light scratch marks on the ground. Interesting. He looked at the glass scattered on the floor. A few of the pieces had scratches on them as well.

"Grunkle Stan, you haven't done anything up here since we were last here, right?"

"Nope."

"Well, then." He stood up. "Whatever we're dealing with, it's got claws, it's light enough that it can climb up a wooden wall with no issue, but strong enough to shatter the window, and it has no qualms with stealing from people. My guess is a goblin."

"What, like that old wax figure?"

"No, that was Larry King. I'm talking about an actual goblin. Impish, puke-green little things that are notoriously greedy. They fit the bill pretty well."

"Sure it's not going to be five barf fairies dressed up like a goblin?" Mabel asked.

"...What _?_ " Pacifica asked.

"At least I knew Norman was supernatural. You were totally convinced he was human."

"So am I just not going to get context for any of this?"

"Kids!" Stan interrupted. "Look, you need to find that goblin or whatever, and I need to scratch myself in places unsuitable for public, so how about we all help each other out, and you all head into the forest to find out who broke my window."

"Yes!" Soos cheered. "I mean, sorry about your window, Mr. Pines, but, I'm kind of excited about adventuring."

"I don't pay you to be excited, Soos," Stan growled. "I pay you to get work done."

Soos stood up straight and saluted. "Yes, sir!" Then, in a much more excited voice. "C'mon, dudes! Let's go!"

Dipper and Mabel strolled towards the door. "Soos, you get paid now?" Mabel asked.

Soos nodded. "I convinced Mr. Pines a little after Melody came back. Gotta make a living, you know?"

"That's the spirit!" Mabel cheered.

"So, are you just going to leave Pacifica here alone?" Dipper inquired. "Soos and I can handle it just fine."

Mabel shook her head. "Pacifica can come with us," Mabel decided. "I need to get revenge for Bear-o myself."

Dipper looked back at Pacifica. She shrugged her shoulders and followed them. This sounded like it could be fun, and they way they were talking about it, it seemed a lot less dangerous then the mansion incident, so why not?

They marched downstairs, and crossed into the gift shop, where Wendy was dealing with customers. "You guys go ahead," she remarked. "Mr. Pines would kill me if I actually ditched paying customers."

Dipper nodded and walked around the carpet to the outside. Soos, Mabel, and Pacifica followed in silence. That silence stretched from the Shack to deep within the forest. They trekked on with only the occasional snapping twig breaking through the silence. Pacifica contemplated why it was so quiet. She had never known the people of the Mystery Shack to not be noisy. She looked over to Soos, who was looking ahead at the twins, nervously twiddling his fingers. She stared ahead at the twins leading the way, both clearly sulking from the argument they had in the attic. Pacifica sighed. This was not going to get settled on its own.

"Look, I'm not down for awkward silences, so let's try to fix that," she spoke up. All three of them turned to her in surprise at the break in atmosphere. She gestured to Mabel. "He's irritated with you because he was really worried when you screamed, and it ended up not being that big of a deal. Don't overreact like that." She pointed to Dipper. "And she's mad at you because, in your irritation, you were dismissive of something that's really important to her. Be more aware of what other people value." She clapped her hands together. "There. Now that we've all learned something about ourselves, let's all go back to talking like normal friends."

There was silence for a moment, then Dipper and Mabel looked at each other. "Rude," they chimed.

"What?!"

"Totally rude," Mabel repeated.

"Seriously, you can't just call people out like that," Dipper added. "You've got no tact at all. And that's coming from me."

Pacifica crossed her arms. "Whatever," she pouted. "You're talking again, aren't you? Who cares how rude I was?"

"Yeah, yeah, that's true," Mabel said. She looked at Dipper. "Sorry for screaming like that. I guess I do get carried away with a lot of things."

Dipper rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "And I'm sorry I didn't care as much as I could. I can be a jerk like that sometimes."

Pacifica felt like she deserved a Nobel Peace Prize for resisting the urge to say "Sometimes?".

"Mystery Twins?" Mabel asked, holding out her fist.

Dipper bumped it. "Mystery Twins."

Soos clapped Pacifica on the back. "Dude, that was awesome! You're like, a therapist or something."

Pacifica didn't even respond to the clear violation of her "don't touch what you can't afford" rule. She was focused on Dipper. He had seemed almost reluctant to bump fists with Mabel. Strange. She couldn't think of any two people closer than the Pines twins. Why would he be reluctant to affirm that? Must be some male "can't show affection" thing. She brushed it off. The important thing was that her friends were talking again.

"So, Dipper, do you know where we're going?" Mabel asked.

"No idea," Dipper responded.

"So how exactly are we going to find them?" Pacifica asked.

Dipper stopped and pointed ahead of them. Everyone looked to see a small puff of cotton on the ground. "They've left us a pretty easy trail," he remarked.

"Aw, dude, I don't think I have the _guts_ to walk into the belly of the beast like this," Soos joked. He chuckled to himself for a while, laugh growing weaker as he realized that no one else was laughing. He looked over at Mabel, his fellow jokemaster. She was glaring at him. "What, too soon?" She glared harder. "Heh, yeah, probably, probably too soon, then."

They followed "Bear-o's innards" as Mabel now worriedly called them, until there weren't anymore. Dipper looked around, all senses on high-alert. They had reached the end of the trail, in the middle of small glade, dimly-lit in the afternoon sun. "The watch number is going up. Be careful, dawgs," Soos warned.

Dipper glanced around. There was a lot of shade that the goblins could be using to watch them. The idea that somebody could see him when he couldn't see them bothered him. Who knows what they were doing? He could practically hear them skittering about, whispering, planning. They were probably surrounded right now, and they very well could be killed.

"Hello? Any goblins?" Mabel called out.

"No one is here. Go away," a raspy voice responded.

Or maybe they were just dumb as bricks and he didn't have to worry about it. That worked too. He stepped forward to the center of the glade. "Would you happen to have any cotton-filled fabrics around?" he asked.

"...None at all."

"Well, since it's not here," Dipper mused, turning back to his friends. "Guess it's just okay to burn this glade down. We don't need it."

"Wait! Wait!" the voice pleaded, now panicked. Dozens of creatures crawled out from the trees. Pacifica almost gagged. Goblins were certainly not easy on the eyes. They were horribly disproportionate, heads being a third of their bodies, much like children, but children weren't bone-thin and only wearing loincloths. Their skin hung to their bones, but was just loose enough to sag as well. It certainly didn't help that, as Dipper suggested, their skin tones were all varying shades of vomit. Their eyes were bulbous and cat-like, almost glowing. In short, they were ugly little fucks.

"We have your cotton thing," the one they had been talking to hissed. "We will give it back to you, but only one condition: You leave our home and never come back."

"No!" one of cried out from the ranks. That goblin broke out into the clearing. "You can't give it back to them! You said I could only join the clan _*urp*_ if I brought bedding for you, elder!"

What Dipper now presumed to be the elder now narrowed his eyes at the upstart. "In all our years of stealing from the humans, this is the first time one of our thefts has ever been caught," he snarled. "We let you into our home out of good will, and this is how you repay us? By bringing the humans straight to us? This is your punishment! Grgth'kl, bring my bed to the humans."

A goblin whose name he wasn't even going to try to pronounce shuffled back into one of the trees and came out with what was left of Bear-o. "Bear-o!" Mabel cried, rushing forward to take back her prized belonging.

"No!" the upstart goblin screeched. It charged at Mabel to stop up her. Boy, was it in for a beating. As soon as it got in range, Mabel quickly pivoted on her left foot, spinning to slam her right shin into the creature's ribs. It got sent flying, and Mabel twirled back around to the direction she was running without even breaking pace. Dipper, however, watched the goblin. To his incredulity, the goblin broke apart in mid-air. It collapsed onto the ground as…

"No fucking way," he muttered.

Lying there as a pile in the clearing, was the ruins of a wooden frame, shards of glass eyeballs, and torn-up puke-green paper. What emerged from that rubble, much to Dipper's consternation, was five barf fairies.

"Oh, that is crazy!" Mabel hollered, rejoining them with Bear-0 in tow. "Norman 2.0!"

"I'm just never going to know what that's about, am I?" Pacifica muttered. "Also, what are those?"

"We're goblins!" one of them proudly declared before promptly vomiting.

"They're barf fairies," Dipper told Pacifica. "By now you've gathered how they got their name."

They all glared at him. "We are not barf fairies," one of them seethed. "We are Gkhkhk, Gr'thk, Ghghl, Gh'jhk, and Ghkjk, and we. Are. Goblins."

"Starting to understand the goblin naming system a little," Dipper muttered.

"IMPOSSIBLE!" the elder howled. "You dare to trick us, you fiends! You are no goblin!"

The surrounding goblins all began howling in agreement.

"Hey!" Mabel snapped. "They can be goblins if they want to be!"

"You stay out of this, human! We've made our deal! Now leave!"

"You stay out of this!" Mabel shot back. "You can't tell somebody else what they are!"

The goblins' howling became a low, indignant chatter amongst themselves. They weren't quite used to arguments, clearly.

"This day cannot get any weirder," Pacifica muttered, rubbing her temples.

"Eh, I'd give it a 6 out of 10 at best," Dipper remarked. "What do you think, Soos?"

Soos gave a "so-so" hand wave. "Once you've eaten your way out of a candy monster, everything else seems mundane, y'know?"

Dipper nodded as if that was a perfectly normal response. Pacifica began to regret her friendship choices with the fervor only a girl witnessing a debate between barf fairies and goblins about species identity could produce.

"They tricked us!" the elder howled. "Deceit is punishable by death!"

"Oh, shut up!" Gkhkhk snapped. "We didn't trick you! We just put together a cheap costume you were too dumb to see through!"

That only served to enrage the elder even more. "Dumb, you say?! You take our food, our shelter, our name, and you have the nerve to insult us?!"

"Yes!" she screamed, throwing up for good measure. "Because, just when we finally felt like we belonged somewhere, you fouled it up because you actually thought they could burn down our home! You outnumber them 10 to 1! Just kill them!"

The elder paused mid-outraged response, jaw slack, as if the idea literally hit him. He brought his claws up to his his teeth and chewed on them thoughtfully. "Just kill them..." he hummed. "Yes… yes, that could actually work out quite well."

He held out his hands to make a decree. "I have decided," he bellowed. "That, rather then let them take my royal bed, we shall kill the humans, and..." He paused for dramatic effect. "We shall also kill the five liars as well!"

The goblins hollered and stamped their feet in approval of their leader's brilliant and creative addition to the suggested idea. Dipper began to back up with the rest of his friends. "This was already stupid," he observed. "But now it's become dangerously stupid. I nominate we run now."

Mabel nodded. "Seconded."

They took off sprinting out of the glade, the fairy goblins flying with them. Dipper heard the elder scream "Seize them!" as he began to reach top speed. Dipper led the way back, frantically dodging past trees and landmarks, grateful that he had paid enough attention on their way in to know which way the Shack was. He tried his very best to ignore the movement he saw in his peripheral. The goblins who were dashing through the trees around them, with their very sharp claws glinting in the sun, were getting alarmingly close.

One of them hurled themselves at Pacifica. She ducked, fearing the inevitable, when she heard it screech. She looked up to see Mabel, holding it by throat, toss it behind them. "When are we going to get out of the _*barf*_ forest?" Gkhkhk asked. "We have have to hurry! Eventually they're going to figure out that they can just jump us all at once rather than one at a time!"

The goblins began to rile up at the introduction of such a bold tactic. "Would you please _shut up_?" Dipper hissed.

Whatever Gkhkhk's retort was, it was lost in the sounds of a roaring engine, one that Dipper had most certainly heard before and one that he was certainly grateful to hear now. The Mystery Cart, as manned by Wendy Corduroy, weaved through the trees towards them, ramming into a few goblins on the way, and braking at a 180 degree angle as it got near them.

"Work just ended, and I figured that you guys would probably need a getaway car!" Wendy called out to them.

"You figured insanely correctly!" Dipper called back. "Everyone, into the cart!"

Mabel gathered the fairies and rushed forward, practically nosediving into the back seat, Pacifica hot on her heels. Soos crashed into the front seat, and Dipper hopped onto the back, and turned around. He hooked his feet behind the legs of the canopy, and gripped one of them with his right hand. "Start the engine!" he shouted. Wow. He totally just used a line from an Arizona Jones movie in perfect context. That felt pretty fucking awesome. Go him.

He was jolted from his imagine spot as the car jolted forward. He grimaced as the goblins howled in rage. They were not taking this well. The ones at the front of the pack made one last desperate leap for the cart. Luckily, he had strategically left his left arm free for this situation. He sent each one of them a jab to the chest as they approached the cart, stopping them in mid-air. As he sent them flying, he was briefly reminded of old online Flash games, the ones were you just had to keep the enemies away. Except rather than competing for a high score, he was competing for a longer lifespan. Putting your initials at the front of a high score was basically akin to having a tombstone. Was this a normal thought process to be having when punching goblins out of the air? He had to imagine he was the first person to be in such a situation, so currently it definitely was.

The cart began to pick up speed, and the goblins with all their wailing and howling, began to fade away. Dipper gave a sigh of relief. They broke into the clearing of the Shack, and Wendy parked the car. Mabel sprinted out and around the back to her brother.

"That was awesome!" she cheered, pulling him into a hug. "We were totally badass! Spinning around, punching them out of the air, wooo! We aren't just the Mystery Twins, we're the Super Mystery Twins! Faster, stronger, smarter!"

Dipper chuckled. "I'm not going to lie, I did feel pretty awesome back there. Definitely couldn't have done that stuff four years ago," he said, pulling away. "My feet hurt like hell, though. Probably going to need some-"

"Who cares about your dumb feet?!" Gkhkhk screamed. "We lost our home because of you!"

"That's not really our problem," Dipper noted.

"Dipper!" Mabel scolded.

"It isn't! They almost got us killed twice, and they stole Bear-o! Why should we be nice to them?"

Mabel crossed her arms. "Everyone does what they can to fit in. We should respect that," she intoned. "You're not the nicest of people, but I've never once considered cutting your hair out of spite."

Dipper silently tugged on his bang. She had made her point.

"Oh, forget it," Gkhkhk spat. "He would never understand what it's like to be like us. All our lives, we've just wanted to belong. We were always teased and mocked in the fairy meadows. Then, when we finally got the courage to shift to the goblin life we've always wanted. You… you _fucking_ humans ruined everything!" She broke down sobbing, along with the rest of her friends. "W-we have nothing now! We're not fairies, we're not goblins, we're just… freaks!"

Then she stopped, as she was crying too hard to continue. Pacifica would have actually found it kind of tragic if it weren't the fact that barf fairy sobbing consisted of vomiting hysterically. However, it most certainly did, so she opted to just be severely grossed out instead.

Mabel contemplated what she could do to help. She had never had to deal with a situation quite like this before, and she was struggling to come up with something to say that would definitely not make things worse.

"Alright," Wendy spoke up, kneeling down to talk with the fairies. "So, I feel like I'm missing out on, like, a lot of context here, but I'm just gonna say that you guys are thinking about this the wrong way."

The fairies all looked up at her in shock. "Like, you guys are sad because you guys think you had to be a goblin or a fairy, right? But fuck that, man. Be whatever the hell you want to be, even if doesn't exist yet. Don't bother with all that other nonsense. Just do whatever feels right to you! Start your own clan! The clan of the barf goblins! You can't be called misfits if you create the mold, am I right?"

"I… guess?"

"I mean, don't get me wrong. This is gonna be hard as balls. Trust me, I know what it's like to feel like everyone's against you. But, hey, you guys have each other! That's a start! And I mean, think about how happy you guys are going to be once you're just finally free to be yourselves!"

"Yeah, yeah," Gkhkhk perked up. "Yeah, fuck them! Fuck the goblins, fuck the barf fairies, we'll be who we want to be! If we want to fly around and barf, we can! If we want to steal from humans, and eat corpses, we can do that too!"

"Umm..." Dipper objected. "I don't think-"

"Yeah, that's the spirit!" Wendy cheered them on. "Make your own path in life!"

"Yeah!" the Gkhkhk cheered. "Thank you, Lady Lumberjack! We'll never forget your kindness! C'mon girls, we have to find a home for ourselves!"

And thus, the barf goblins flew off, chattering amongst themselves excitedly.

"So, are we sure we made the right call there?" Dipper asked. "I mean, it doesn't seem like them doing whatever they want is a really good idea."

"Well," Pacifica said. "There's no more vomiting happening, and nobody's in danger, so I officially do not care."

"Besides," Wendy added. "A little anarchy now and then never hurt anyone."

Dipper frowned. He begged to differ, but decided now wasn't the time. It was almost time for the season finale of Ducktective, no point in being a downer now. They walked around to the front door, Dipper, as usual, doing his best to ignore the hairs standing up on his neck when he walked by the window with the triangular frame.

* * *

Stan Pines was counting money when the kids came back in.

"Dipper?" he heard Mabel ask. "How come you didn't answer your phone when it rang?"

"Please don't do this," Dipper sighed.

"What? Are you saying your phone never rang? That is so weird, because I _totally called it_! Oh! Go Mabel!"

Dipper groaned. "You only said it was going to be five barf fairies to be facetious. It doesn't count."

"I don't know what that word means, but it totally does, and I am totally awesome! Also, probably psychic."

"Still though, we wouldn't have known if Hambone hadn't kicked 'em," Soos said. "That costume was crazy good, man."

"It was pretty impressive, considering," Mabel conceded. "I wonder how they managed to get all the parts for it."

"I certainly know how they painted it," Dipper remarked.

Pacifica slapped him on the arm. "That is _disgusting_ ," she grimaced.

"How they… Oh I get it it!" Soos exclaimed. "They used-"

"Nope," Pacifica intervened. "We are done talking about this. Forever. If one more bodily fluid is mentioned to me, I will burn this entire gross forest to the ground."

Stan put the proper amount of change back into the till. What a strange conversation. Well, good thing he didn't actually care enough to be curious. "You kids ready for the season finale?" he asked. There, much more interesting conversation.

"I was born ready!" Mabel cheered.

"Alright, well, it starts an hour, we have got to get everything prepared!"

"Woo!"

Dipper sighed. "Not a fan of the pre-show hype?" Pacifica asked.

"You've never watched the show with Mabel and Grunkle Stan," Dipper responded grimly.

"And that's our cue to leave," Wendy announced. "C'mon Soos, we have got to go."

Soos nodded, but quickly pulled Dipper and Mabel into a hug. "Great first adventure, dudes. See all you dawgs tomorrow!"

"Bye, Soos! Bye, Wendy!"

"Later, Soos. See you, Wendy."

* * *

An hour later, Pacifica understood why they left immediately. She also wondered how much saner she would have been if she had gone with them. Certainly, she would have smelled a lot less like popcorn. "Are we all ready to rock?!" Mabel screamed.

Pacifica winced. "Yes. Also, very much right next to you."

Dipper and Ford nodded in agreement. He, Pacifica, and Grunkle Ford all shared the couch that was brought in, meaning they were all subjected to her entirely unneeded decibels. Grunkle Stan always got his personal lounger. "Aw, c'mon, you guys," Stan said. "What's not to be excited about! It's the season finale of Duck-tective!"

"Yeah, I thought I'd be dead before it got here," Ford grumbled.

"Oh, you're just being cranky," Stan dismissed.

"I'm not just 'being cranky'! The first season finale was when the kids were here last! What kind of show takes almost four years to get through two measly seasons?"

"To weigh in on the crotchety old man argument of the century," Dipper ventured. "I like the fact that it's taken this long. I know I find the show a lot more clever nowadays because I'm older, so I'm kind of glad for the wait."

And even though you've been old since before it aired, you posilutely love it, right?" Mabel argued. "And if it didn't take this long, we wouldn't be able to sit together and watch it as a family! All's well that ends well!"

"Yes, I suppose you're right," Ford muttered, smiling despite himself. "But I have to say, I'm not really a fan of how much you've been calling me 'old' lately."

"Seriously," Stan added. "I mean, just because it's true doesn't mean you need to remind us."

"Aww, but you guys are the best kind of old!"

Pacifica merely observed all of this quietly. It was strange, seeing a family interact like this. She kind of liked it. It seemed like it was fun. Speaking of fun... "Epiosde's about to start!" she announced.

Mabel and Stan immediately hushed everyone as all eyes turned towards the TV.

* * *

Everyone took a deep breath as the credits rolled. It had been pretty crazy. Pacifica could have done without Mabel shaking her wildly whenever something exciting happened, but that was the price you paid for friendship with Mabel Pines. The alliance between Ducktecitve and his twin, Duckster, was now finished, the crime lord ruling the city of London defeated. Their sort of rivalry-turned-camaraderie had been quite touching. She was glad Mabel had gotten her into the show.

"Stanley, you aren't crying, are you?" Ford asked.

"I got a kernel in my eye!" Stan sniffled.

"You wear glasses."

"Weirder things happen!"

Ford laughed. "Truer words have never been spoken. Well, that was certainly enjoyable, but I've got some time-sensitive things to handle down in the lab." He nodded to Stan.

"Hey, uh, Dipper," Stan asked. "Why don't you go down and help Ford? Last time he had something 'time-sensitive' down there, he came back up bleeding."

Dipper stood up. "Uhm, sure," he responded, confused. Grunkle Stan had never been a "safety first" kind of guy. What was up with this? Regardless, he followed Grunkle Ford out of the room.

Mabel immediately sprang up, pulling Pacifica up with her. "It's time!" she cheered. "Come on, Pacifica!"

"It's time for what?" Pacifica asked.

Mabel clapped her hands together, laughing. She looked into Pacifica's eyes as a slow, maniacal grin made its way up her face. "Girl talk."

"Was the evil laugh really necessary?"

* * *

 **10/29/2015 7:32 PM**

 **To: Pacifica**

 **Mabel:** _That episode of Ducktective was SO crazy, right?!_

 **Pacifica:** _Wrong person, Mabel_

 **M:** _No, this is definitely Pacifica_

 **P:** _Why exactly are you texting me about a duck cartoon then?_

 **M:** _WAIT, DO YOU NOT WATCH DUCKTECTIVE?_

 **P:** _Why did you assume I did?_

 **M:** _WHY WOULDN'T YOU?_

 **P:** _Because I have better things to do then watch a show about an animated duck solving fake mysteries?_

 **M:** _YOU TAKE THAT BACK OR I WILL FIGHT YOU_

 **P:** _We are over 500 miles away from each other._

 **M:** _YOU CAN'T FETTER THE SWEATER._

 **P:** _So is that just a thing you say now?_

 **M:** _MAYBE_

 **P:** _So when I'm rich and powerful, I've got to get rid of both caps lock and comment section memes. Gotcha._

 **M:** _NO I'LL BE POWERLESS_

 **P:** _That's the point, hon._

 **M:** _MAYBE INSTEAD OF DESTROYING ME, YOU SHOULD FOCUS ON SOMETHING MORE PRODUCTIVE. LIKE WATCHING DUCKTECTIVE._

 **P:** _Will you stop using caps lock if I watch the first episode?_

 **M:** _YES_

 **P:** _Got it up on Webflix right now._

 **8:45 PM**

 **M:** _WELL?_

 **P:** _Alright, it's pretty good for a kid's show._

 **M:** _Hah, hooked like a fish. ***** vrrrp* *sploosh*_

 **P:** _Did you just try to make sound effects for reeling in a fish via text?_

 **M:** _Maybe_

* * *

 **AN:First of all, I would like to take some time to thank you all so very much. TAKAL has reached over 100 followers, and that is really insanely awesome. Like, really, really, mind-blowingly amazing. I have no words to express how grateful I am for the love, reviews, and readers I've gotten. If you're reading this, thank you very much for being a fan. It means a lot to me.**

 **And so the first supernatural adventure has come to an end. Honestly, this was a really fun chapter to write, probably my favorite thus far. Pacifica makes a brilliant foil for the sheer weirdness that goes on around her, and the goblins were just fun to write. Everyone got a piece of the limelight this chapter, so that was nice. Next time, we'll have Ford and Dipper talking in the basement, and Pacifica and Mabel chatting in the attic. Parallels! Stay tooned for that shit.**


	7. Face-to-Faces

Chapter 6: Face to Faces

Dipper walked down the steps with his great-uncle. "So, Grunkle Ford, did you have some secret project that you were working on?"

"Something like that," Ford responded.

Dipper frowned. Grunkle Ford seemed uncomfortable. He was staring straight ahead, with a kind of grim expression. That was a bad sign. He had a habit of looking straight forward when things like UFOs and the apocalypse were about to happen.

"Grunkle Ford, is this project, like, super-dangerous or something?" he asked, mind racing. Should they get everyone else to evacuate the Shack?

"What? Oh no, it's not dangerous at all," he replied. "Just, out of my area of expertise is all."

Now Dipper was really curious. What could possibly be out of the field of a man with 12 PhD's?

They walked into the elevator, where, to Dipper's surprise, they went to Ford's personal study, a first since the incident with the mind-encrypter. He was extremely pleased to find that all of the Bill paraphernalia had been removed. That… thing was something he could do without remembering. Particularly its final moments. He shook his head. He didn't want to focus on that, not when he had mysterious, maybe-dangerous projects to focus on.

He glanced around the room, looking for something that could be the project. Experiment #618 was mounted on the wall, that was new. That couldn't be the project though. That weapon had already served its purpose, he knew that much for sure. He quickly looked away. His eyes fell on a large-ish, dark blue parcel. It was tied up with a kind of ribbon.

Ford walked over to it, as if responding to Dipper noticing it. "This," he said, picking it up gently. "Is a project I have been working on for almost four years now."

He handed the parcel over to Dipper. "H-happy birthday," he said stiffly.

Dipper took it, very confused for a number of reasons. He elected to voice them in order of when they appeared in his head. "Ummm, Grunkle Ford, it isn't even remotely our birthday yet."

"Yes well, given the nature of the gifts, Stanley and I felt it would be best to give them to you at the beginning of summer," Ford explained. "You see, that sweatshirt is quite special. It is made of the same material that my old trenchcoat was made from. Heavily insulated, nonconducting, and capable of absorbing quite the impact, this thing will probably last longer than you will! I mean, provided you avoid lasers. Clothes... clothes don't really work against lasers."

Dipper gave a light chuckle. He unfolded the sweatshirt to get a better look at it. It looked like a perfectly normal hoodie. A zipper going down the front, with two pockets on either side at the bottom. The only thing that suggested anything unusual about it was that it was heavier than it should be. Dark blue, incredibly durable, and frankly cool-looking, Dipper decided he liked it quite a bit. "Thanks a ton, Grunkle Ford! This is going to be pretty useful this summer."

"And while we're on that note," Ford continued. "I'm sure you'll greatly enjoy Stanley's present." He leafed through a clutter of papers until he found a rectangle in birthday wrapping paper. He handed it to Dipper who unwrapped it carefully. Knowing Grunkle Stan, he was going to use this same piece of wrapping paper until he died. Peeling off the tape on the back, Dipper was surprised to see it was a leather-bound book. Grunkle Stan was not usually this classy. He pulled off the rest of the wrapping and flipped it over to see what book it was. It didn't have a title anywhere on it, but that didn't stop Dipper from thinking it was the greatest book in the history of ever. Staring up at him was a leather-bound volume with four blue book corners, and most noticeably, a blue pine tree symbol in the middle, emblazoned with the number "1".

Stanley Pines was a very simple person. There were only five things in the world that he liked: family, black-and-white British soap operas, money, violence, and bacon. However, as his grand-nephew came barging into the TV room screaming at a pitch that Stan had previously thought impossible of the male vocal chords, two of his favorite things came into desperate conflict.

"Dipper, look, you know that you don't interrupt my TV ti-"

He stopped short when Dipper crushed him in a hug that decidedly proved he was Mabel's twin. He was stunned, partially because Dipper was not one for such displays of affection, and mostly because a 16 year-old boxer had virtually just tackled his 70 year-old body.

"ThankyouthankyouthankyouthisisthegreatestgifteverIpromiseI'llneverloseitorletitgetitdamagedoranything!"

Stan could feel what was probably _the_ book in Dipper's hand. He mentally swore. He had asked Ford to do this for him so he wouldn't have to deal with all this touchy-feely junk. "Look, kid, any more of this and you'll become your sister. I don't think I can handle that much glitter."

Dipper pulled away. "Yeah, you're probably right," he laughed. "It's just… thanks, Grunkle Stan. It was really cool of you. This is seriously the greatest thing ever."

Stan took a quick glance at his nephew's face. His eyes were shining and his face was split with a wide grin. That was the happiest he had ever seen Dipper. Had… had he done that? Dipper had his nose in Ford's books all summer, he had just figured the kid would appreciate having one of his own to fill out. It wasn't that big a deal. Certainly not big enough to give him a look like that, like he was the greatest person on Earth. He didn't know how to handle it, so he resorted to his default attitude: grumpy.

"Yeesh, kid, you shouldn't be this happy about a book. It's not healthy," he grumbled. "But since you're so excited, why don't you go explore the woods or something, get something in the book, and more importantly, let me get back to my show."

Dipper nodded, smiling. "Yeah, that sounds like a great idea," he beamed. "I've got the perfect first entry in mind, too. Sorry Grunkle Stan, I'll leave you to your terrible soaps that you think we all don't know you watch." He tucked _his_ Journal (that was so cool to think about) into a large pocket on the inside of the hoodie. He headed out of the room, but something occurred to him. He turned back around. "Grunkle Stan?"

"What now?"

"Love you."

"Wha- yeah, lo-love you too or whatever. Get going before I throw the remote at you and then make you pick it up for me."

Dipper laughed and walked out the door down to his room. Stan turned back to his soaps. Damn it, he really needed to get a new TV. All the static and flickering lights made his eyes water like hell.

* * *

Dipper jogged through the forest at a brisk pace. If he wanted to get to his destination in any reasonable time, he had to keep up this pace. Not that he minded though. The quiet of a cool Oregon evening made for a much better jogging atmosphere than the yelling of a middle-aged coach on the hot Piedmont sidewalk. What's more, there was a weight in his new hoodie. It bounced gently with every step, reminding him of its beautiful existence.

His Journal. He had one of his very own. He looked around at the forest, teeming with life and oddities, all just beyond his eyesight. It wouldn't be that way for much longer though. He had a whole summer to investigate these woods, to find things that nobody else had ever seen, to learn things that most of humanity would never even consider possible. He grinned to himself and started running. Imagining the vast potential of this summer had given him an adrenaline boost. He felt the wind as he ran through the forest. This was were he belonged. Not sitting on his bed, mindlessly surfing the internet, not sitting bored in a classroom as a teacher ranted on about things he had heard the first time, but here, on the frontier of human knowledge, exploring and pushing his mind and body to their peaks, adventure and thrills everywhere he looked. Every atom in his body trilled with excitement.

That thrill continued as he pounded towards the familiar chasm. The Chasm of Trials, as the Manotaurs called it, was the fastest way to get to the mountain range. The only problem was that it was deep enough to hurt like hell if you fell down it, a possibility that it heavily facilitated by being insanely wide, too wide for most people to jump. If there was a thing he had learned in his life, however, no one with the last name of Pines could be considered a normal person. He took a deep breath. He measured out his steps just right, and pushed off the edge of the cliff with everything he had. He felt the rush of cold air as he flew over the chasm. He hit the ground on the other side, staggering a bit. He looked back at the chasm he had just jumped. Couldn't do _that_ in Piedmont.

He returned to his jogging pace, and kept it up until he reached a very specific cave. He ventured in, wondering if it was the right cave. He checked the ground. Skeletons littered the floor. Definitely the right cave, or at the very least, an unfortunately similar one. He kicked one of the skulls over, checking to see what animal it was. Before he could get a good look, a voice rushed out at him from the inner sanctums of the cave. "WHO DARES DISTURB THE MULTI-BEAR?!"

Dipper looked towards the darker recesses of the cave. "Seriously, man? I've been in here for a solid couple of seconds. I think your reaction time is falling in your old age."

A large behemoth composed of matted brown fur, seven heads and eight limbs lumbered out from the depths of the cave. "Your youth just blinds you to the subtlety of things. By letting the intruder explore the cave in silence for a few moments, it builds tension, making my entrance all the more grandiose," the Multi-Bear responded, mouths slightly agape in what Dipper had come to understand was his version of a smile. "An old friend decided to drop by today, so I figured I should be at my best."

"Yeah?" Dipper asked, smiling back. "I'm sure he appreciates it."

The Multi-Bear let loose a low, hearty chuckle. "Excellent. How have you been, Dipper Pines?"

"I've been doing pretty good for myself. How's life been treating you?"

"I cannot complain. The food has been plentiful, the winters long and comfy. It has been a little dull since you left," he admitted.

"Don't worry, I've got something that will make up for it," Dipper assured him, rifling through his bag until he found his speaker. He set it on one of the flatter rocks and placed his phone on it.

"What's that?" the Multi-Bear asked, three of his heads trying to sniff it.

"This," Dipper responded. "Is the 'youth' version of stereo cassettes. It's got the catchiest, girliest pop songs from the last 4 years on it, and we are going to listen to all of them. And let me tell you right now, some of them put even 'Disco Girl' to shame."

All fourteen of the Multi-Bear's eyes widened. "Well, what are we waiting for then?"

"Actually, I wanted to ask if you could do something for me first," Dipper said, pulling his Journal from the jacket. "Remember that old book I always brought with me here?"

"The one your uncle wrote? With all the supernatural creatures?"

Dipper nodded. "Yeah, that one. My other uncle made me a version of my own," he said, showing him the book. "And I was wondering, wold you mind being the first entry?"

The Multi-Bear scratched his stomach. "The first entry?" he pondered. "Well, I don't see why not. I have to pose for a picture, correct? I've always wanted to see my likeness in full."

Dipper smiled. "Great! Thanks, this is going to be so awesome! So, if you could stand up straight for a while, we can listen to some music while I work, and I'll be done in a little bit!"

The Multi-Bear nodded, and stood up straight on his hind legs. Dipper sat down, selected his playlist, and got to work. He pulled out one of his pencils and stared at the fresh, blank paper. This was it. He was about to make his mark on the annals of supernatural history. He was about to fulfill a dream he had fantasized about for four years. And he was doing it while "Text Me Maybe" played in the background. Life had a funny way of working out like that. He took a deep breath and began drawing.

Dipper had found that one of the trickiest things about being friends with a several-headed bear that is older than your entire genial line was that there wasn't a lot of common ground for conversation. Which was probably why they got along in the first place. They both didn't mind not having to contribute to a conversation, particularly when they could just listen to pop music instead. So they sat in silence for a while, Dipper pondering about the amazing fact that he was close enough with a several-headed bear to even know that sort of thing in the first place.

"You know," the Multi-Bear mused. "It's probably rude of me to say this, but I feel that this new modern pop lacks the rhythm of Disco Girl. Each note flowed into the next, but with these songs, it feels like each note is just, fighting to be the most prominent. Some of them at least."

Dipper nodded. "Yeah, I guess a more classic pop guy like yourself wouldn't be too big on the new stuff. Especially since you haven't grown up with it like I have. Still though, you cannot deny that it'sh catchy."

"Oh undoubtedly. How goes your work by the way?"

"Oh, I'm almost done!" Dipper declared. "Here, check it out!"

He turned the journal so the Multi-Bear could see it. The Multi-Bear stared at it. It was a very good drawing. Huh. So that's what he looked like. His heads looked a bit weirder than he thought they would, but still, he felt inexplicably happy. This was him. After millenia, he had finally gotten the luxury of beholding himself in the same way countless others had before him. He had gotten a new enjoyment in a world that he had long since thought contained nothing new. He felt his jaw pull into a smile. "Thank you very much, Dipper."

Dipper pulled the corners of his lips up in what the Multi-Bear had come to understand was the human version of a smile. "No problem, man."

* * *

Pacifica sat down on the bean bag. It was cozy. A little too much glitter on it, but that was something you got used to when you were friends with Mabel Pines. Still, she mused, looking around the room, it really was amazing how little Mabel's taste in décor had changed over the years.

"So, how have you been?" Mabel asked, plopping down onto her bed.

"Good, good," Pacifica replied. "Fine weather we're having."

Mabel lifted her head off the bed to stare at her. "Was that sarcasm?"

"No. The weather has been quite lovely. Certainly a little on the hot side, but nothing that couldn't be considered 'fine'. No sarcasm here."

Mabel flopped her head back on the bed. "Ugh, you and Dipper both," she muttered exasperatedly. "Can't just answer a simple question."

"Mabel, you know how much small talk I have to make."

"It's only small talk because you make it small talk!" she complained, demonstrating her frustration with a few wild kicks into the air. "When I ask you how you're doing, I don't wanna get a one-word answer, I want the whole skadoodle! I want the deets, homeslice!"

"I don't think those are words," Pacifica responded, smiling.

"What, are you not hip with my funky fresh lingo? Can't groove to the jive I'm flowing? This stuff is straight from the fridge. A cool cat like yourself should know it."

"Mabel, I think even your great-uncles would think you sound outdated."

"Pshaw, like they were ever cool to begin with. Unlike us two studs!" she said, moving her arms back and forth between them to properly illustrate how insanely studly they were. "So, one stud to the other, how've you been?"

Pacifica and Mabel spent the next hour talking about friends, high school, and various other topics that came up. As it progressed, however, Pacifica noticed something. Mabel seemed to get more and more… excited? Agitated? During a lull in the conversation, Mabel started sucking in her cheeks, like she was trying to hold something back. Pacifica had a feeling she knew what it was. "Ask away," she sighed.

"Got anybody you like?!" Mabel blurted out.

"No. But I will commend you on resisting the urge to ask for a whole hour."

"Aw, booo."

"You know exactly why I'm not seeing anyone."

"I know, but it's just, you're missing out. Being in love is super fun. You and Dipper have never been in love, and you're both total sourpusses, ergo, being in love makes you not a sourpuss."

Pacifica grimaced. This was one of the more sticky subjects with her best friend. Mabel was positively in love with love, and it always required a bit of force to move her off the topic. "I feel like that makes no sense at all. Mabel, I've got bigger things to worry about than whether or not I'm going to meet somebody."

"Fine," Mabel grunted.

"We can talk about your love life," Pacifica offered.

"Single, and not really anyone in the works right now," Mabel complained. "I mean you know, Tony was great n' all, but it just slipped through the cracks, I guess."

"He probably wasn't worth it then."

"Dipper said that too, but it's like, it was nice dating him, you know? I have really good memories, and we're still friends, it just, I dunno, we just changed I guess. I don't regret it, is what I'm getting at, and he was worth it, so there. Love is worth it. You can write that down somewhere."

"I don't have a pen on me. Shame."

"Ugghhh, let's talk about something we agree on."

"That Ducktective finale was really good."

"I know, right?! Like, even the animation was a step up from usual. That final explosion, as the ashes of Ducktective's hat burnt away? Oh, that was perfectly drawn."

"Looks like somebody's on an animation kick," Pacifica noted.

Mabel waved her hand. "You know me. If it's art, I'm interested in it."

"Oh really?" Pacifica teased. "In that case, we just got a few Neo-cubism pieces that I think you would love."

"Pacifica!" Mabel laughed. "You _know_ I'm not into that stuff. I'm an expressionist kind of gal. Anyone can mangle a drawing to make it cubism. Taking something, and changing it in such a way that it creates feeling, a perspective nobody has ever seen before, now that's awesome."

Pacifica rolled her eyes. "You get a painting featured in one exhibit, and suddenly you're an expert," she teased.

"Well, when you're as amazingly brilliant as I am, becoming an expert is just that easy."

Pacifica laughed. "Obviously."

Mabel giggled to herself. "I missed talking to you. It's always fun."

Pacifica, unable to think of a response to the sudden emotional sincerity, settled on humming agreeably. Mabel laughed. " 'Why, thank you, Mabel. I feel the same way about you, and can admit this without being a shy little goober about it.'"

"I'm not a 'shy little goober'," Pacifica argued. "You just caught me by surprise!"

Mabel shrugged, still smiling. "Well, you've learned how to pronounce 'sharing', and I've gotten you to say 'goober', so I'm willing to work on your reaction to genuine human affection at a later-"

What sounded like the opening and closing of the front door came from downstairs. Mabel immediately tensed up. "Dipper's back, to whom it might concern," Dipper's voice announced.

"You're back?" Mabel called down, relaxing. "Where did you even go?"

"Just went to fill out the first entry in my journal!" he boasted.

"What?!" Mabel asked, running to investigate. Pacifica sat there, confused. Who cared that Dipper wrote in his diar- Oh, they meant the Journal. She followed Mabel. She looked down the stairs to see Dipper showing off a book that looked a lot like the old one, but was blue rather than gold, and had a pine tree on it rather than the hand. Mabel took it, and gently turned it around and examined it. "What the hector?! This is awesome! How?!"

"Grunkle Stan's early birthday present," Dipper bragged.

"What?! Grunkle Staaaaaaaannn!" Mabel complained.

"You'll get yours tomorrow, sweetie!" Grunkle Stan called from the living room.

Mabel sulked silently. "He totally likes me more," Dipper teased.

"You'll both be dead to me if my soa- I mean, wrestling, gets interrupted one more time!" Stan snapped.

"Hmmph, c'mon Pacifica," Mabel pouted. "We're gonna go have like, a thousand birthdays worth of fun!" She sprinted back up the stairs, the previous motivation of reuniting with an old friend now redoubled by spite. Dipper and Pacifica nodded to each other, with the expressions of two people who were friends but had sort of missed the window to actually speak to each other so they would brush this instance under the rug, and Pacifica followed her friend back upstairs.

With that, the night obscured the innumerable events of the day. Mabel and Pacifica chatted away, the insane goblin chase already behind them. Dipper decided to go to sleep, his Journal resting on the bedside table, carrying in it a page now honoring an old friend. Ford worked away in his lab, the day leaving him a certain satisfaction. After all, today had been the first time he successfully fulfilled the role of a traditional uncle: he had given his nephew a birthday present. Stan, in a move that was unprecedented in the history of nights at the Shack, turned off the TV and got up to do something that wasn't sleep. He went into the kitchen, pulled a nice red fabric from one of the bottom cupboards, and got to work. What he was working on, only tomorrow could say.

* * *

 **To: Dipdop**

 **5/30/16 5:32 PM**

 **Mabel:** _OMG how excited are you?_

 **Dipdop:** _Very. Also very confused as to why you're texting me as opposed to walking the yard between our rooms._

 **M:** _Walking is haaaarrrd. :(_

 **D:** _It pains me that you're still the more athletic one._

 **M:** _Hah. That's what you get for being a nerdbot. Oh, speaking of nerdbots, do you think Grunkle Ford is gonna get us presents this year?_

 **D:** _I'm sure Grunkle Stan's reminded him that birthdays are a thing by now._

 **M:** _Aw yes. That means 8 years' worth of birthday presents, coming our way._

 **D:** _Mabel, it's not like every family member owes us a present on every birthday._

 **M:** _Aunt Mildred has corrupted you._

 **D:** _Maybe Aunt Claire would get us presents more often if you didn't call her 'Aunt Mildred' behind her back constantly_

 **M:** _MAYBE IF SHE WASN'T SUCH AN AUNT MILDRED I WOULDN'T HAVE TO. HER HOUSE SMELLS LIKE CATS AND HARD CANDY_

 **D:** _Yeah, but she's got a pool_

 **M:** _THAT'S HOW SHE SUCKERS YOU IN. NEXT YOU'LL BE COMPLAINING ABOUT TAXES_

 **D:** _Grunkle Stan complains about taxes, but you don't complain about him_

 **M:** _Grunkle Stan follows through on his complaints by not doing them. He's a man of his word._

 **D:** _I want you to read that sentence again and just reflect on it for a moment._

 **M:** _...Okay so there's a LITTLE bit of bias here, but still, she never gets me anything I want._

 **D:** _That's because the one time she did, it was crayons, and you literally ate all of them before we even got to cake._

 **M:** _Well DUH it was Crayloha. That's the tastiest brand!_

 **D:** _Starting to think that Aunt Claire isn't the problem here_

 **M:** _NO DIPPER DON'T LET THE POOL CLOUD YOUR JUDGMENT_

* * *

 **AN: So, uh, it's been a while. I apologize for that. I sort of maybe spent all of my free time in the months of November and December playing Dokapon Kingdom, then the Xenoblade series. Good games. Anyway, I'm back and better(?) then ever. The first chapter after we're back is a bit run of the mill. Just a few scenes that plotwise needed to happen all cobbled together, but we got the Multi-bear in and some Stan-Dipper bonding, which is VERY important. The next chapter's almost done though. The only reason I didn't release a long chapter was because of the drastic tone shift from this one to the next. So you can look forward to quite the doozy. As always, thank you all for reading, and stay tooned!**


	8. Heart-to-Heart

Chapter 8: Heart-to-Heart

 _"Ready to cause some havoc, boys?"_

 _His demonic friends howled in response. This was it. This was their time. They would take over the world and- He heard a noise. Suddenly, every atom of his body screamed in agony. He shifted his eye through his now dissolving body at the perpetrators. It was him. Him and Grunkle Ford, staring down at him from the bell tower. He felt a rush of hatred for himself. How dare he? He was nothing but a speck, a flea in the cosmic universe, knowing nothing, but interfering with events anyway, just so he could pitifully cling on to a sense of entitlement he had done nothing to deserve. Well, this is what that had gotten him. Now he was painfully deconstructing at an atomic level, and watching the disgusting affair too. He, with the last of his strength, shot his eye forward, to see the fear he inflicted upon himself. "At least I know two of my puppets won't be able to cut their strings," he cackled. Then he felt his pupil burning, but in his final moments, felt an unyielding glee at the sight of his own horrified face. He would forever be plagued by the fear of-_

Dipper Pines woke up immediately. That's who he was. Dipper Pines. Where was he? Shouldn't he be at the bell tower with- No, recap. Had to remember. Grunkle Ford had shot Bill. Bill had died gruesomely which resulted in trauma, then therapy then him not seeing Grunkles for four years and- No, focus. Bill died. Then, he rescued Mabel from the bubble thing. After that, Time Baby showed up. He remembered that because he was always confused as to how the Time Baby decided when to show up. Something about the multiverse, probably. He turned back the clock before Weirdmageddon had happened. He, Mabel, Grunkle Ford and Grunkle Stan were the only ones who were allowed to remember, so they could stop the events from happening again. And they didn't happen again. He, Dipper Pines, was alive in an apocalypse-free reality, while Bill Cipher was very much dead. Facts. Those were all facts.

He stared down at his arm, aware of how real it was, but now distinctly aware of how fragile it was too. How utterly stupid it was. This was the arm that was attached to the brain that stubbornly overvalued its own existence. He was such a pitiful existence. He could so easily be wiped out. Anyone, hell, anything on the street could easily end his life at whim. He lived in a world of omnipotent babies and demons, and billions upon billions of other life forms. He existed for not even one-billionth of the universe's total duration, but he considered himself important? He seriously thought he mattered? Not even his own parents had planned for him. That's right. He was a twin. Mabel. He had been pivotal in Mabel's life, in his Grunkles' lives. Without him, they would all be doing something different right now, something probably worse, considering his adventures with all of them. He made a difference. He made people happier. Breath. Breath. Breath.

After a few minutes, Dipper managed to calm down. Nobody was making any noise upstairs, so at the very least, he hadn't screamed that time. That was good. He could feel that he was plastered in sweat. Not good. He stared up at the ceiling, determined not to close his eyes for a little while. He hated that dream. He hadn't had it in almost two years. Being in Gravity Falls again must have brought it back. He'd have to get sleeping pills from the pharmacy tomorrow if it were back. Had to keep it from Mabel and the Grunkles too. If one of them found out, then the parents would find out. If his parents found out, he would be swiftly dragged out of Gravity Falls and right back into therapy, to another doctor who thought he was completely delusional. Not happening. He had to beat it. He couldn't let Bill ruin his life anymore. He had to cut his strings.

He suddenly realized that he was extremely thirsty. And he was hot. All the sweat made him smell bad too. Right, he would get a drink from the fridge, then he would take a shower. After that, probably video games. He knew there was no point in even trying to get back to sleep. It wouldn't work. He checked his phone. Three in the morning. A text from Leo that he had forgotten to read too. Well, it would be weird to respond at this time of the day, so he would wait until the late morning.

He got out of his blankets and placed his feet on the floor. Everything always felt different after the dream. Perhaps it was the time of the day, or the rebound from intense distress, but everything he did felt like he was doing it for the first time, like he had been rubbed raw. It was interesting. Not worth having that horrible dream, but interesting nonetheless. He walked through the halls and turned the corner into the kitchen. He was surprised to see that the light was on, and under it was Pacifica, sketching in a notebook. Well, he wouldn't be getting a drink then. He did not need anyone seeing him like this. Unfortunately, the Shack suffered the condition of being extremely old, so as soon as he made a move, the floorboards creaked.

Pacifica snapped her had to his direction. "Who's there?" she demanded.

"Nobody, just Dipper," he called back, voice cracking.

She relaxed. "Are you alright? You sound terrible," she asked. Dipper was surprised to hear that much concern in her voice.

"Uhh, yeah, throat's just really dry," he replied, immediately cursing himself for the response.

"Water's right there," she said, gesturing to the sink in front of her. He had trapped himself in social etiquette.

"Uhh, yeah," he replied, making his way to the sink, specifically not looking at Pacifica.

As he stepped into the light, he heard Pacifica ask, "Are you sure you're alright? You look even paler than usual. That's bad."

"Yeah, just, uh… had a bad dream, is all," Dipper told her, hoping against hope that she would leave it at that.

"One hell of a dream if it can make you look like that," Pacifica noted.

Dipper chuckled awkwardly. "Yeah."

"What happened in it? Got a B- on a test?"

Dipper laughed again. Where were the glasses? He could not remember where the glasses were. "Something like that. Hey, could you not tell Mabel or like, anyone else I had a nightmare?"

"What, getting nightmares is too embarrassing for manly man Dipper Pines?" she teased.

"No, I just really don't want to have to go back to therapy," he said thickly, stress finally getting to him. He opened his fifth cabinet to find the glasses.

He heard a tiny "Oh" as he poured water into the glass. He turned to stare at the fridge. Huh, Grunkle Stan had gotten a daily calendar for it. He decided that calendar was the only thing that interested him at the moment. "I'm sorry," he heard her mutter softly.

He shrugged his shoulders, still staring at the calendar. "Don't worry about it." Really. The sooner he was out of this conversation, the better.

"No, making fun of you about it was a totally wrong on my part. It's just… sometimes I forget you're human."

Visions of him not being a human returned after an unfortunately short break. "What's that mean?" he asked, struggling to keep composure.

"It's like, I feel like you're somehow immune to everything that gets thrown your way. Like, if I'm mean to you, or something bad happens, you won't feel bad or get scared, because you're Dipper Pines."

Dipper snorted. "What am I, a superhero?"

"Kind of."

Wait, what?

"I mean, like at the mansion, or the minigolf course. I was always so scared, but you never once lost your cool. And no matter how hard I tried to put you down, you never let me get to you, you always had something to say back."

"Are you kidding me?" Dipper asked, completely unable to believe that this was a thing Pacifica thought about him. "The lumberjack ghost? I was scared as shit! You were the one bossing me around like it was any other day. I had to at least pretend like I was calm, so that I didn't look pathetic! And I don't know, you sort of get used to the bullies after a while. It's not like I ever had a choice in the matter, just learned to roll with the punches." He stared at the refrigerator, immediately regretting letting his mouth run. He didn't like bringing up how pitiful he had been in his early life.

"Were you really bullied that much?"

"What are you- _You_ bullied us! You should know!" Dipper laughed. Not really an appropriate response, but this conversation was weird, even by his standards. He had absolutely zero idea how to react to anything Pacifica was saying. Nothing in his admittedly minimal social experience had trained him for this.

"I bullied everyone. You don't strike me as a kid who would get majorly bullied. Friendless, sure, but actively picked on?"

"Are you serious?" Dipper could not believe that Pacifica thought it was weird he was bullied. "I mean, I've literally got a perfect target on my forehead!"

"Is that, like, nerd-speak for something? Your forehead looks fine," she remarked, confused.

Dipper paused. He realized that Pacifica had never seen his birthmark. Right. He hadn't wanted to tell her last trip, because, well, they weren't super close, and he had just never had a reason to. Years of self-preservation instincts caused him to hesitate. Did he really want to show it? Fuck it, he decided. It's not like this conversation could get any more insane.

"Behold, the mysteries of Dipper Pines, revealed to you," he announced. Propelled by wild adrenaline and things he couldn't even begin to make sense of, he pulled his bang up and revealed his birthmark, facing Pacifica for the first time. Pacifica's mouth formed an "O" shape.

"That's why your name is Dipper! I always thought your parents were just terrible at naming children!"

Dipper laughed at that. "Mabel's going to be hurt you said that."

"Oh, she knows I think her name is 100 years too old for her. But wow, this, this is like, I don't even know..."

"It's like meeting your favorite superhero's secret identity?" Dipper offered.

"Alright, I feel like we're getting a little too crazy with the superhero thing. I said you were kind of like a superhero."

"Nope. I'm Pacifica Northwest's personal hero/idol. Can't convince me otherwise."

"Don't ruin the moment we're having here."

"I have to. Ruining emotional moments is my superpower."

"And we're right back to square one. You're dumb and I'm mean."

"That's not true. I have blackmail that you thought I was super-cool when we were 12. That's different."

Pacifica laughed. "Right, because things I thought four years ago are so damning now. Do I look like I'm running for office?"

Dipper waved his hand. "It's a moral victory. I know it's going to bother you."

"A little bit. But, to go back to seriousness again, I'm really glad we had this talk. I feel, I don't know, like I'm not lame for being scared whenever this stuff happens. If you and Mabel are scared, then I can be too, so it's a little comforting."

"Hell, you've never woken up in a cold sweat over what's happened to you, so you're probably tougher than I am."

"Well, I never said that."

Dipper, for the first time, looked over at her. "Seriously? You've had nightmares? Is that why you're up tonight?"

"Well, no. Tonight Mabel rolled off her bed and fell on top of me in her sleep."

There was a brief pause. Then Dipper started giggling, with Pacifica quickly following suit. "This conversation," he gasped. "Has gone in like, 5000 different emotional directions."

She nodded. "All thanks to a 16 year-old not being able to sleep on her bed."

"Oh, she has always been like that. If she's excited before she goes to bed she never sleeps right." He broke down laughing. "This one time… the morning before our tenth birthday… so, Mabel chose a bed that's straight down the hallway from the stairs, so that she can just go straight out of bed and charge down the stairs for holidays and stuff. So, tenth birthday, our mom comes to wake us up for school, and she finds Mabel out cold at the bottom of the stairs."

"No way."

"Obviously she's freaking out, because she thinks Mabel concussed herself going down the stairs. So she calls an ambulance, wakes me up, and as we're coming down stairs to get water or do something, Mabel wakes up and asks if pancakes are ready."

"Oh my god!" Pacifica laughed.

"So, there we are, eating pancakes, while outside my mom has to explain to the ambulance that her daughter didn't knock herself out, but in fact, just rolled out of bed and down a flight of stairs without waking up. And that," he finished through his own laughter. "Is the story of the funniest morning of my life."

"She is completely ridiculous," Pacifica giggled.

Dipper nodded, pleased that the trusty "story is 10x funnier after serious conversation" convention held true yet again. Mabel had once told him it was literally the only time he could intentionally tell a decent joke. He looked over at her, curious to see what a laughing Pacifica looked like. His heart skipped a beat. Her hair, frayed from sleep, looked like it was glowing in the light. Her traditionally defiant expression had disappeared, and he discovered that she hid her mouth behind her hand when she laughed. She actually looked really cu- Nope. Tonight was already an emotional trainwreck, and he sure as shit was not going to let hormones get a say in it too. He looked down at her notebook. It looked like sketches of dresses. "What's with the dresses?" he asked.

She looked down, realizing her notebook had been open. "Oh, it's a hobby. You know me, fashion connoisseur. When I'm bored, I like to design dresses."

"So you do have hobbies aside from 'being filthy rich', never would have thought about it," he said, relaxing slightly now that they had been able to get back to their familiar pattern.

"Glad to see this is the amount of understanding you have of your friends."

"I don't really think about it. Honestly, all I think about when I think of you is creative ways to call your hair fake."

Pacifica twirled her pencil in her hands. "Did you know, Dipper," she mused, voice disarmingly innocent. "That the average person has the strength to pierce someone else's jugular with a moderately sharp pencil?"

"That fact sounds pretty fake. Almost as fake as-"

 _Snap._ Pacifica slammed the tip of the pencil down onto the table, breaking off a large portion of the pencil. "Fake as _what_ , exactly?" she asked, smiling in a way that was far more scary than cute.

Dipper gulped. "As, uhh, CG effects?"

"Good boy." Pacifica withdrew her pencil from the table. She wouldn't be able to do anymore sketching while she was here, but sometimes lines had to be very clearly established. Silence arose between them.

Dipper cleared his throat. "This has been… fun, I guess, but I think I'll take that as a proper cue for the conversation to end." Not exactly the smoothest exit, but he was fairly willing to leave what had been the conversational equivalent of getting kicked in the ribs then immediately running a triathlon afterward. He gave a nod and awkwardly left the room.

Pacifica rolled her eyes. Dipper Pines, charming as ever. She should give him some slack though. It's not like she was particularly suave right now. Now that it was over, and she didn't have to focus on talking, she let the full horror of what she actually said wash over her. That had to have been the most embarrassing conversation she had ever had. "Kind of like a superhero". She put her head in her hands. Holy fuck, did she really say that to him? Sure, she admired him when she was 12, but that didn't mean she had to say it! That was not something that was public info, he had just… She had just felt like such a bitch for making fun of him when he was dealing with trauma. It was like seeing a geeky little puppy and then deciding to kick it. She had felt so bad she just blurted out the first compliment she could think of, which was _that_. Then her mouth kept running. How the fuck had she lost control like that? She had been trained since birth in the arts of conversation and dealing with people, and then she pushes one friend too far and suddenly she's blurting out life secrets? Why?

She thought about it, the way he had looked when he walked it to the room. He had been scared. He was just like her. Her head felt weird thinking about that. He was every bit as real as she was. He too had things that kept him up at night. He had things that he bragged about, things that made him smile, just as much as she did. She stared down at her notebook, not really noticing the sketches on the page. Was… was she _relating_ to somebody? That's why she so desperately wanted to cheer him up, because she had empathy for him? It wasn't really something she had felt before. She rubbed her eyes. She really was tired, if she was thinking like this. Hold on. She pulled her hands away from her face, examining them in the soft glow of the kitchen light. Had her skin always been this soft?

Dipper collapsed back onto his bed. What the hell had just happened? What was- why did he- was she- So many questions swarmed around his head. All of this 'talking to other people' was not doing good for his heart. Today had been a goddamn rollercoaster. He had been chased by goblins, given the best gift ever, hung out with Multi-Bear, then the nightmare, and finally, he had an emotional talk with Pacifica Northwest? To whom he was apparently some sort of hero? Sure, he saved her from a ghost and always stood up to her but still, he wasn't a hero, he was just Dipper. He frankly had not even properly registered it yet. He was pretty sure he was in shock. Welp, he decided, whatever was going on emotionally, he figured he'd let it sort itself out. He certainly wasn't capable of dealing with it. "XCube, turn on."

* * *

"OH MY GOD I LOVE IT!"

Dipper watched his sister dance around with a red cloth with two gold W's in the middle, one on top of the other.

"What is it, exactly?" Dipper asked.

Mabel turned to him. "Can't you tell? It's a cape for Waddles! Ohh, this is perfect!"

Dipper turned to Grunkle Stan. "Did you seriously make a pig cape?"

Dipper, Mabel, Pacifica, Stan, and Ford were sitting at the kitchen table. It was after breakfast, and, as promised, Grunkle Stan had given Mabel her present, which appeared to be a cape for Waddles.

"Oooh, this is incredible! Wonder Waddles is born!" Mabel exclaimed, tying the cape around what could be considered Waddles' neck area. "Gotta take pictures!"

Stan turned back to the table while Mabel took selfies with her superpig. "Never thought I would have to measure a pig to tailor a cape in the dead of night, but I suppose I've had a lot of 'never thought's in the past 30 years."

"So you did make it?" Dipper continued, awe for his great-uncle growing. "Didn't know you had the sewing skills."

"You think there's a tailor in this hick town? A guy's gotta learn it all if he wants to dress to impress."

"Says the man who also wears an eyepatch over his glasses," Ford noted.

"For the millionth time, Sixer, it's ironic humor!" Stan grumbled.

"I'll never understand it," Ford sighed.

"You don't have to! Leave it to the expert."

Dipper chuckled, before immediately being reminded of his problems. Speaking of not understanding… He glanced over to Pacifica to make sure that they still weren't bothering to make eye contact. The emotional turbulence of last night had not settled as he hoped it might. He was still entirely unsure of how to behave around her, and she clearly expressed the same opinion. He took a bite of pancakes, and stared at Grunkle Ford's present to Mabel, a multi-colored pen that had 100 years worth of ink in it, as well as three different points for drawing. It was the ultimate inking/writing tool. For the era Grunkle Ford lived in. Knowing Mabel though, she would still use it in place of her drawing tablet.

"Pacifica!" Mabel said. "I need you to give money to Dipper so he can make me and Waddles crime-fighting gadgets!"

Pacifica laughed lightly. "As much as I'd love to, I think it's time for me to head home."

"What? Already?" Mabel complained.

"Yeah, my parents have been getting antsy about how much time I'm spending outside of their supervision. You know how they are, if we're going to hang out this summer, I should probably be all smiles and good will. Thank you very much for breakfast though. It was delicious."

"A tip would be appreciated," Stan said. Ford elbowed him. "Or it's my pleasure because you're a guest or something."

"I guess we can't cross your parents, huh?" Mabel pouted. "Dipper, you know the deal."

Dipper coughed into his hand. Right. The deal. He had to actually walk alone with Pacifica for 10 minutes. Awkward Central. "I've got to do the dishes, remember?" Dipper excused himself.

"Baaahh."

"I'm sure I can get them done while Pacifica gets her things together," Dipper hastily amended.

Pacifica shot him a quick what-the-hell-are-you-doing glare. Dipper pursed his lips. There was one thing he knew, and that was that walking in silence with Pacifica was so much more preferred to the Lamby-Lamby Dance being brought up ever again. They would have to suffer through this one.

And suffering, Dipper reflected, was exactly what he was doing. The minute they had been on the hill felt like an hour. He was always down for some quiet, but this was suffocating. Every time he opened his mouth to say something, he couldn't even begin to think of what to talk about. This was reasonable, he supposed, after their talk last night. Their previous relationship had actively discouraged that sort of emotional talk. They had simply turned their aggressive insults into friendly ones and let it be. Now, it was a whole new beast.

If there was one thing Dipper hated about being a teenager, it was the sheer uncertainty of it all. He was a man of science, and teenagers had far too many emotional variables for him to be comfortable with it. Here he was, walking alongside a friend, who, half a day ago, he was talking to just fine. After a five minute conversation, however, they were now decidedly not talking, and it wasn't out of something reasonable, like anger or lack of conversation, but out of uncertainty on how to treat each other. How would she react if he said this or that? He no longer had any idea. This bothered him greatly. "Having no idea" was not a feeling he ever enjoyed, so it was time for drastic measures, and a first in his interactions with Pacifica.

"So, I'm going to be the one to break the ice here," he started. Pacifica turned to him in what he assumed to be surprise, as he was staring directly ahead. "I know that things are weird, right now, because, y'know, we're sort of built on not really, y'know, being 'emotional' and junk, and so things are super weird, but, I think it would be cool if it wasn't weird, because, y'know… we talk and stuff."

"Are you always this articulate?" Pacifica commented.

"See, like that," Dipper continued. "Like, we both said things that were… probably not meant for other people to hear, so I think that if we just sort of, y'know, mutually ignore that stuff and just go back to normal, as mentioned, then I think talking would be easier."

"So, your big breakthrough on this," Pacifica summed up. "Is that, rather than feel awkward, we just don't."

"I feel like it was smarter in my head, but yeah, basically."

Pacifica sighed. "I feel like a lot of things are smarter in your head, but, hey, it works for me. Back to business as usual it is."

Dipper clapped his hands together, excited to have things back together. "Cool. You know what this means, right?"

"That I get to hear your whiny voice far more often than I want to?"

"First of all, rude. Secondly, no, it means we're bros."

Pacifica stopped dead in her tracks and looked at him. "I'm sorry, what?"

"We're bros. You and me. Bros," he repeated, moving his arms back and forth between them to properly illustrate what insane bros they were.

Pacifica stared at him like he had grown a second head. "What are you even talking about?"

"We both decided to delicately shy away from emotional proximity in favor of a more comfortable, friendly relation. That is what bros do. We are the technical, scientific definition of bros."

"Except you are the last person I would consider a 'bro'."

Dipper rolled his eyes. "Yeah, on a purely superficial level, that might be the case, but you woefully fail to see the underlying emotional makings of a bro."

Pacifica started walking again at a faster pace. "Nope, I'm done. Not having this conversation."

"Excuse you," Dipper said, catching up with her. "How can you just ignore the psychological patterns that entrap a majority of males with such cold indifference?"

"Oh, are we pretending like you didn't get on this rant with the sole intention of driving me up the wall?"

"What?' Dipper cried, grinning like an idiot. "I would _never_ do something just to bother you."

Pacifica sucked in a breath. "One call," she muttered. "That's all it would take, and he'd never be heard from again."

Dipper laughed. "Oh c'mon," he said. "We both know you wouldn't do that to your bro."

Pacifica's only regret of the walk was that her hand stung a little afterwards.

Dipper watched his friend turn the corner out of sight, and he turned back to the Shack, with a light sting in his ribs. Pacifica had a pretty quick jab when annoyed, but he suspected it hurt her more than him. He smiled to himself. It was nice having her back. He liked it when things made sense. Now that they were back to normal, he was back to normal. No more weird thoughts and feelings. He supposed though, that there had been one good thing coming from all of this. In all the emotional turbulence, he had largely forgotten about the dream.

...Fuck.

* * *

 **To: Dipdop**

 **6/10/16 9:32 PM**

 **Mabel:** _You and Pacifica were super awk this morning. The banter was nonexistent. What's up with that?_

 **Dip** **dop** **:** _Please don't use 'awk'. Even I know it's out of style._

 **M:** _Why not? It's amazing, like a bird call. AWK!_

 **D:** _That's why I dislike it, and I can't hear your impression over a text._

 **M:** _I trust you did a suitable impression in your head. Don't dodge the issue. What's up with you and Pacifica?_

 **D:** _Nothing's up, we're just not morning people._

 **M:** _Oh no. Something definitely happened in between the time I fell on top of her and the time I woke up._

 **D:** _Fine, we had an awkward interaction in the kitchen_

 **M:** E _veryone's first time is awkward, don't worry about it ;_ _D_

 **D:** _Don't be gross._ _W_ _e just had a weird conversation, but we patched it up on the walk down the hill, so don't press further_

 **M:** _Fine, but it l_ _ooks like our bet is already working out for you huh? :3_

 **D:** _I refuse to admit that_

* * *

 **AN: An alternate title was "Dip & Paz Bro It Up".**

 **So, eight chapters and over 30k words, we finally hit our first major landmark in the relationship between Dipper and Pacifica. And it's that they decide to maintain status quo. This, ladies and gentlemen, is what I like to call "being an unrivaled master of pacing". In all seriousness, the shells have started to crack, and we can look forward to our two emotionally-challenged teens getting closer and closer from here. Next time, we celebrate the first event of the Gravity Falls summer, so stay tooned! And, as always, thank you very much for reading!**


	9. Grunkle Stan Watches a Documentary

Chapter 9: Grunkle Stan Watches a Nature Documentary

Mabel Pines liked people. She liked seeing them, liked talking to them, liked being with them, and currently, liked making them. Well, she liked making wax copies of them, at any rate. Right now, she was working on a statue of a guy named Richard Fanny, a guy who had founded a town in Nevada some 100 years ago. She had gotten a request to make a statue of him as a commemoration for the centennial anniversary. This what she liked abut her job. She got to interact with people, see glimpses of their lives, what they wanted, and then she used her creativity to make them happy. It was a swell job.

Unfortunately, it was also a taxing one. She stretched her arms. She needed a break. She looked at her work thus far. She had a lot of the parts in their proper shape, not too much detail or color but it was certainly enough to earn her a delicious snack. She headed down to the kitchen to make herself a sandwich.

As she was in the middle of creating her second masterpiece of the day, she heard the floors creak and watched as Dipper turned the corner. "Hey, Dipper!" she cheered. "I haven't seen you all day!" She glanced at the clock. It was already past noon. How had she not seen her brother the entire morning?

"Yeah, I've been mostly down in the lab with Grunkle Ford, checking out what he's done since we were last here. You've been working on that founder guy, right?"

"Yup. Their big celebration is in two weeks, so I've really gotta _shape up_ for this one. Hah! Waxmaking joke."

"I'm sure every wax worker in the world just started laughing," Dipper replied. He eyed her sandwich. "And I'm pretty sure every chef in the world is crying."

"Yeah, crying with joy," Mabel commented happily, gazing upon her creation. Her sandwich was packed with nutritional value: lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, pickles, carrots, and banana. Then, to make it delicious, she had drenched it in thousand island dressing. The bread was literally oozing with flavor! Delicious and nutritious, her sandwich was an inspiration to sandwiches everywhere.

Dipper sighed. His sister was an incredibly brilliant person, who could make almost anything, except, somehow, a half-decent meal. "Right, just so you know, if and when you get a heart attack from that, you're going to have to rely on Grunkle Stan. I'm heading into town."

"Really?" Mabel asked. "It's Pioneer Day, you know."

"Yeah, I know. I'm going to the minigolf course though," he explained pulling his Journal out of his hoodie. "Grunkle Ford doesn't have anything on the Lilliputtians, because he's never been mini-golfing like we have, so I figured I'd better head down there and try to document them. Today's the best day to do it, since the place is closed for the day. If they actually recognize me, things might get dangerous. I don't really want anybody to be put in jeopardy."

"Do you want me to come with?" Mabel asked. "This sounds like a Mystery Twins thing."

Dipper shook his head. "Nah, you work on your commission. You said it yourself, you've got your work cut out for you. I can handle this on my own probably. They're not exactly the most threatening creatures we've seen."

"Oh, ok, cool," Mabel said, frowning.

"Besides, I wouldn't have even known about them if you and Pacifica weren't so crazy about mini-golf," he replied. "This was already a Mystery Twins production."

"Yeah, I am pretty awesome," Mabel responded, chuckling a little. "Oh, speaking of Pacifica, she's in town. You should drop by Main Street, say hi to her. I'm sure she'd appreciate it."

"If the mini-golf course goes smoothly, maybe," Dipper remarked. "Alright, I'm heading out."

He walked past the kitchen, and Mabel chewed on her sandwich silently. She heard Grunkle Stan from the living room.

"Hey, slick, where ya going?"

"Going to the minigolf course, breaking in, taking photos of an undocumented species, and, if possible, observing their lifestyle."

"It disgusts me that you can make breaking into a place sound that boring."

"Y'know, Grunkle Stan, I feel like that shouldn't be your response as my guardian."

"Kid, if I responded to everything the way I _should_ , I wouldn't be where I am today."

"Sitting on a lounger watching TV?"

"You're missing a key detail, Dipper. I'm sitting on a lounger watching TV in a room with thousands of dollars in cash hidden in a secret wall compartment."

"You make an excellent point, Grunkle Stan."

"Of course I do. Now get going. I'm watchin' this rainforest documentary and I don't want to miss it when something gets eaten."

And then she heard the door slam shut. She chewed on her sandwich. There was that feeling again. She had felt it before, when Dipper unveiled the watches, but this time it was bigger. More and more, she had been noticing Dipper's tendency to do things without her, as well as her tendency to do things without Dipper. They were growing up, and this time, it was unavoidable.

It's not like they wouldn't always have the other's support and love. She knew that no matter what, she and Dipper would be thick as thieves. But they wouldn't always be able to have each other's backs. Their lifestyles and goals were just too different. Like today, it was far more convenient for the both of them to do their own thing, completely separate from each other. Heck, even Pacifica was more capable of helping her brother if things got hairy. At least she was in town!

Mabel stopped to consider that. Pacifica could help her brother in a lot of ways. Provided they got a gentle push, which Mabel decided she was going to give. She wiped her hands on her napkin, which was now a completely different color, and pulled out her phone to text Candy and Grenda. This wasn't exactly the greatest idea she had ever had, and would probably not be appreciated by anyone, but her primary impulse control was currently breaking into a minigolf course, so clearly it was open season right now.

* * *

Dipper stared at the spherical creature before him. The blue guy who had been his and Mabel's "ambassador" throughout their adventures last time was the tone to greet him this time. He couldn't remember the guy's name, but that wasn't even remotely the biggest issue here. He was currently surrounded by armies of small golf balls, all of which were pointing some manner of themed weaponry at him. That, however, also wasn't the biggest issue here. He scratched his hair.

"I'm sorry, why exactly are you letting me do what I want?"

Franz sighed. Really, he had thought the blue-clothed one was the smarter of the two humans, but he was clearly a slow learner. And he clearly didn't even remember Franz's name. Rude. Well, all could be forgiven, he supposed. He was after all, one of the Lilliputtians' most hated enemies.

"As I said, you as our most hated enemy, are more than welcome here."

"Right, see, you keep saying that, but those words don't usually go together."

"It's very simple. The enemy of my enemy is my friend. _You_ are our enemy, and we united together to attempt to kill you, and we stayed together in order to make sure you never came back. In doing so, we had to resolve our differences and now, not only have all of our wars stopped, but we came up with a truly spectacular dance number. Would you like to see it?"

"Umm... Not really?"

Franz scoffed and waved his hand. "Doesn't even have the decency to listen to our songs. _Classic_ despicable traitor move."

A low chortle rose from the waves of golfball forces around them.

"So, you guys do hate me, right?"

"Oh, absolutely."

Dipper glanced around at the armies. "But, uh, you guys aren't going to kill me?"

"What, and destroy that which has kept the peace for years? Yeesh, we knew you were heartless, but brainless too?"

Another, louder chuckle from the crowd.

"So... you guys aren't gong to kill me?"

"No."

"And you're going to let me investigate your different environments."

"Of course! It's the least we can do for someone who callously betrayed all of our trust!"

"So, can we stop aiming weapons at me?"

"Absolutely not! Our men and women have been training for years just for the chance to shoot you through the throat. We will not drop our guard against you one bit. Now come along, I'll give you the full tour."

Dipper felt like this was somehow both extremely easy and extremely difficult. Still, he probably shouldn't complain. At least there were no murder attempts this time. Hopefully.

He walked along behind the blue guy. The armies shuffled along with him, keeping him properly surrounded. Dipper sighed. This was going to be difficult. Unbeknownst to him, (he had seen far too many movies to not put his phone on silent when in a dangerous situation) his phone lit up with a text from his sister.

* * *

Pioneer Day was usually a good day for Pacifica. She got up, said a few words, everyone sang her praises. The end. Sure, the town smelled like horses for a few days, but it was a neat little thing in the monotony of small town life. This year, however, it was nothing but a pain. For starters, gone was her cute little raccoon hat. She had to wear a full period dress, complete with all the layers. She was wearing one of those vest things that had string keeping it together at her cleavage, with the poofy dress underneath it, which, combined with her blonde hair and elegant stance, gave her the semblance of being the town beauty that was fought over in old Westerns. While she totally was the town beauty, it was not cute enough to justify wearing three goddamn layers in the unholy weather they were having. It was a hundred degrees out, and rather than be in her mansion, AC cranked up, she had to stand outside all day, looking pretty. Which led her to her bigger problem.

It seemed that, this year, the town had decided it would be fun to move centuries back both aesthetically and socially. This year, there was an event called the "Manly Man Contest" for all the young, able men of the town. Whoever could win the events of the day and prove his manliness would be awarded with a kiss and a date from Gravity Fall's most prominent bachelorette: her. So now every hormone-ridden teenage boy was lined up to win her entirely unwilling affection. She scanned the crowd that was gathering where the contestant sign-up was. She was unsurprised to see Brad in the crowd. In her brief glance over, she also saw a maroon shirt. She did a double take. It couldn't be... but sure enough, signing at the booth was the unruly mop of brown hair that could only belong to Dipper Pines.

Her brain malfunctioned. What was _he_ doing here? Could he actually want to… No, that was dumb. They were just friends. But what if this was how he decided to ask her out? Wait, hold on, there was no way in hell Dipper Pines had the mettle to do anything so flashy for a confession. He was the kind of sap who would awkwardly hand her a letter the moment he worked up the courage to do so. Whatever he was here for, it wasn't that. Whoo, momentary crisis averted. She took a moment to calm herself. That being resolved, why was he here? She had complained about the contest to Mabel, and logically, that meant Dipper knew about it as well. So why? Maybe one of the other guys had antagonized him into proving his manliness. That seemed like it would happen.

She went over the options in her head. She could A) Make a huge fuss and walk down, grab him out of the crowd, and ask him what he was doing, B) Pull out her phone and text him, which as basically the mascot of Pioneer Day, would also cause a huge fuss or C) Be stuck out of the loop and sit there wondering what the hell he was doing. As much as it sucked, she had to resign herself to the last option.

Dipper, in a shocking turn of events, felt extremely awkward. He had signed up for this "Manly Man Contest" as per Mabel's request, and now was just sort of floating next to the booth, attempting to ignore the fact that he was a totally new face in a group of guys who clearly knew each other. This was already a clearly awkward situation, and yet it was further exaggerated by the fact that Pacifica, from her little seat on stage, was glaring holes into his head. Why? He had no idea. Did she just not believe that he was here, signing up for a manliness contest? Hurtful, but possible. Was she embarrassed about her outfit? Sure, she looked like she belonged on Mount Vernon, but it's not like it looked bad on her either. Well, regardless of the reason, it didn't change the fact that she was staring at him, and it made him feel even more awkward than he already did. He decided to check his phone in order to hopefully look like he was doing something. He stared at the last screen he had looked at: his text history with Mabel.

 _Hey can you do a teensy favor for me while you're in town?_

 _What is it?_

 _There's this manliness contest, and I really want the prize, but I can't because it's guys only. Could you win it for me?_

 _What kind of prize could you possibly want from a manliness contest?_

 _I don't want to say, because you'll think it's dumb, and then you won't try as hard to get it. And now you're curious about it, so you're doubly likely to say yes._

 _...Fair enough. I'll get you your apparently stupid thing._

 _Thank you! :DDD_

"Hey, you must be new in town," a voice observed. "Pulling out your phone in public on Pioneer Day is a lot more trouble than its worth. The old timers like to make a scene."

Dipper looked up to see the voice was right next to him. "Huh? Oh right. Shit." He hastily stuffed his phone back in his pocket.

"Name's Brad," Brad introduced, holding out his hand.

Dipper gave Brad a quick once over. Blonde hair, defined jaw, and blue eyes. They were the same height, but his better muscular build and posture made him seem a lot bigger than Dipper. If this were a 90's movie, Brad would be the jock protagonist, while Dipper would be the nerdy sidekick. "Dipper," he responded, trying not to wince at Brand's overly firm handshake. Seriously, why was that a thing? Who decided that crushing somebody else's hand upon greeting was the sign of a respectable human being?

Brad raised an eyebrow at the name but said nothing. "Folks drag you up here to see the Mystery Shack?" he asked. "That's usually why people come around."

"Oh no, I actually live there. I'm staying with my uncle," Dipper said.

Brad raised both eyebrows. "Wait, you're one of those Pines kids?"

Dipper nodded, not liking Brad's tone of voice. Brad started chuckling to himself. "Buddy, I respect your optimism, but you are way out of your league here. Trust me, man, literally everyone else has a better chance than you."

Dipper bristled. That was going a little far. Brad certainly was a bit better built than he was, but it's not like he was physically wimpy anymore either. He certainly wasn't the least manly person there.

"Here, let's get one thing straight," Brad said, wrapping his arm around Dipper's shoulders. Dipper felt indignant at the clear breach of his personal space. "You see Pacifica, up there on that stage? She's my girl, pal. Ain't nothing you can do about that."

Now Dipper just felt confused. While maintaining a successful romantic life was a sign of manliness, he wasn't quite sure how that would factor into this physical competition. Let alone its lack of context, Dipper wasn't even sure it was true. Their personalities seemed to clash incredibly. Then again, he really didn't know anything about Pacifica's social life. It's not like they had ever talked about that sort of thing. For all he knew, they had been going steady for years.

Brad clapped him on the shoulder. "It takes guts for you to come out here like this, but you don't have a chance here, Pines. How about you go home before you embarrass yourself?"

"I'm good, thanks," Dipper responded curtly.

Brad withdrew his arm. "Have it your way," he said, shrugging. He walked off back to his gang of friends. Dipper watched him go. The idea of Pacifica dating that guy was… not right. He wanted to make sure. He stared at Pacifica, making sure they made eye contact. He pointed at her, then to Brad, then formed a heart with his hands, making his facial expression look as skeptical as possible. He saw her eyes widen, and she shook her head vigorously.

Okay, so his friend wasn't dating an ass. That was a relief.

"Contestants! Please, line yourselves up at ye old starting line!" the announcer called out.

The parade of guys filed over to the giant "START" banner that led down the street. "Alright, contestants, I hope you're ready to compete in the toughest pentathlon in the history of man!"

Dipper's eyes widened. What? Did that guy just say "pentathlon"?

"Yes, I did just say pentathlon!" The guy continued. "You will be going through five arduous stations, each different and more difficult than the last! And for those who are thinking that this is too much, let me remind you that you're not just competing for honor!"

A huge cheer came up from the crowd. Dipper looked around. Seriously, what was this prize, and why did everyone want it? And more importantly, how had nobody actually said what it was? "I can see you're all excited! Well, I'm sure that energy will do you well in the mile you're about to run! Go!"

And just like that, Dipper was suddenly caught in a flowing stream of people, heading on the race of a lifetime.

An hour later, Dipper sincerely believed it was the race of a lifetime, because it would probably kill him. A mile run, then he had to bike, swim, and now, he was scaling a rock wall. He had fallen to the middle of the pack during the swim, and was certainly not gaining any ground on this climb. As he reached the top, he grimaced, wondering what horrors awaited him in the fifth station. He pulled himself over the top of the cliff, and saw a bunch of people just scattered about around a stall. Huh, not quite what he had been expecting. The unexpected was Gravity Falls' specialty, he supposed. The people from the rock climbing place helped him up and removed his harness. He walked over to the booth and saw a familiar face. Well, it was mostly a familiar beard.

"McGucket?!" Dipper exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"

"Howdy, Dipper! I'm mannin' this here stall!" McGucket hollered from the stall that he was evidently manning. "You ready to solve a cipher?"

"Uh, yeah, but why am I solving a cipher exactly?"

"Well, it's Pioneer Day, ain't it? We gotta pay respects to our history. And ain't nuttin' more important about Gravity Falls' past than the supernatural and secrets! As the only real expert on the subject who doesn't hate this day and still has their proper identity, I was asked to take charge of this here station!"

"Can't argue with that," Dipper said. "Certainly not going to complain either, I might actually win this thing now." Seriously, what were the odds? This pentathlon sudden;y ending in a trial of brains. Looks like Lady Luck was on his side for once.

"Here you go!" McGucket said, handing him a piece of paper. It was written like a regular sentence, but where there would have been letters, there were symbols. Symbols he had never seen before. So the puzzle here wasn't some pre-existing symbols, it was a completely new code that had to be figured out from scratch. He smiled. And he had thought today wasn't going to be fun.

Alright, so the most common letter in English was "e". Probability said that the most common symbol on the parchment would translate to "e". He looked at the paper. There was a four-letter word that had the "e" symbol in the second and fourth letters. That meant the third letter was "r", and the first would either be "h" or "w". He plugged in all of those where their symbols were, and attempted to figure out other words based on those. A series of educated guesses later, he believed he had the answer. "Here is the secret to achieve all happiness," Dipper read. "Drink Pitt Cola."

"They sponsored the event!" McGucket explained. "Also, that's correct!" He pulled a cowbell out of his beard and started ringing it. "Yeehaw, folks! We got ourselves a winner! Everyone head back to the main stage!"

McGucket led them back to the main street like a shepherd would for his sheep. If a shepherd had an obnoxiously loud bell and was constantly yelling "Yeehaw!", at least.

Along the way back, Dipper felt distinctly uncomfortable. He was walking alongside McGucket, which meant that he was at the front of the pack, separated from the rest of the contestants. He could hear them all talking, and their murmuring didn't seem to have a super pleasant tone. He couldn't help but think that they were all talking about him. He recalled Sheriff Blubbs' initial dislike of him as a "city boy". It was very possible that the rest of these guys probably felt the same way about him showing them up. He was starting to think that whatever this thing Mabel wanted might not be worth it. In order to take his mind off of it, he turned towards McGucket.

"So McGucket, how have you been?" he asked.

"Oh good, good," McGucket responded. "Well, mah bank's been giving me some trouble about the house, some of my death machines weren't up to 'fire code'. But other than that, I've been feeling plum skippy! "

"You own a house?!" Dipper asked.

"Yup! Turns out, making incredible inventions every week can be profitable! Who knew? Bought myself a nice little house real close to the lake, so I can visit Tate, and I've been movin' all my lab stuff back to my ol' place in the dumps!"

Dipper smiled. "Things are really coming up McGucket, huh?"

"Boy, are they! 'Course, I couldn'ta done it without you and your sister! Mighty grateful for that!"

Dipper waved his hand. "Well, I mean, it really wasn't. You handled all the difficult stuff."

"Sure, but fact is, if you two hadn'ta helped me out, I'd still be some crazy old coot living in the dump. Now I'm a crazy old coot living in a house!"

Dipper laughed. "Well, that's good to hear."

They stood there for a moment.

"So, how have you been doing?" McGucket asked.

"Oh, well, Grunkle Stan got me my own personal Journal for my birthday," Dipper explained, showing it to McGucket who looked at it warily. "So I've been running around trying to get some stuff Grunkle Ford hasn't."

"Alrighty then! Just make sure you don't become horribly obsessive and let the work consume you to the point where you're casting aside everyone who cares for you in a paranoid, borderline-insane effort to complete it!" McGucket responded cheerfully.

"Uh… yeah… I've been keeping it in mind," Dipper responded, significantly less cheerfully.

"Oh, speaking of Ford, gotten him to agree to speak to me yet?"

Dipper shook his head. "I mentioned you this morning, but he distracted me with science."

McGucket snapped his fingers. "He did always have some new gadget just in time for tough conversations," he muttered. "Well, he's a tough nut to crack, particularly when he's set on sumthin'. Thanks for tryin', though, Dipper. I'll figure somethin' out, I'm sure."

" _We'll_ figure something out," Dipper corrected. "I'm more than happy to help."

McGucket stared at him for a moment, then smiled brightly. "Boy howdy, thanks Dipper! Sure means a lot to know I still gots some friends I can count on!"

"Yeah, 'course you do," Dipper said, smiling back.

Brad eyed the Pines kid, smiling and chatting it up with the old homeless guy. Everyone in Gravity Falls knew about the Pines family. They had exposed that creep Gideon Gleeful, and were really heavily involved in the weird shit that happened around town. Most famously, they were the family that ran the Mystery Shack, the dumbest thing in town. A bunch of really weird taxidermy stuff, and the weird old man who spent all day making them. All in all, the Pines were just weird. Brad shook his head. If Pines seriously thought he had a chance with a classy girl like Pacifica, he was out of his mind. Some guys just didn't have a clue, he supposed.

They got back to the main street, and McGucket gestured to Dipper. "We have a winner!"

The crowd cheered and McGucket pushed him in direction of the stage, where he saw the Northwest family. Oh God, he had to stand up on stage? He stepped on to the stage tenderly. Oh man, a lot of people were looking at him. This sucked. He was really gross and sweaty too. Why did he have to be put on spectacle like this? Pacifica was still glaring holes into his head, too. Mr. and Mrs. Northwest were sizing him up as well. He looked back at them, straightening up his back. He wasn't going to give them the satisfaction of seeing him nervous.

Dipper made his way up to the podium somewhat reluctantly. Northwest clapped him on the shoulder. That was awfully friendly, considering their last interaction. Did he not recognize him? "The victor of our competition has made his way through several challenges, all for the reward of a date with our fair town's lovely Pacifica!"

WHAT?! Dipper's mind was whirring. Why would the prize be- That would mean- Suddenly a lot of the things Brad had been saying were making a lot more sense. He had to go on a date with Pacifica? Well, it didn't have to be a date, they could just go for lunch or something or, oh God, did she think he waned to go on a date with her? How was he going to clear that up? He must seem super creepy right now. This was going to be a terrible day.

Pacifica watched with some amusement as Dipper silently panicked while her father was talking. So he clearly didn't know what was going on. While comforting he had no idea that he was trying to win a date with her, it simply begged the question of what was his motivation in the first place. Still, she felt slightly irked by his expression. A date with her shouldn't be _that_ much of a calamity.

"So, my boy, can you tell us your name?"

Dipper blinked and stared at the microphone that was now angled toward its face. So Northwest didn't recognize him. Well, at the very least, this would be funny. He leaned into the mic. "Dipper Pines."

Northwest's reaction was everything he could have hoped for. His eyes bugged out, his mustache warped into a frown, and his grip on the mic tightened considerably. He gave a quick cough, and he was back to normal. Dipper's grin became slightly more genuine. It was nice to knock that cocky expression off his face, even if it were for a second.

"Well 'Dipper', I'm sure you have a simply illustrious date for my daughter planned out. Care to share where you plan on taking her?"

Aw crap. Guess he had to do more than smile. People were staring at him. He needed to think of an answer and fast. The only actual restaurant he knew in Gravity Falls was Greasy's Diner, though. What was more embarrassing, Greasy's Diner or saying "that one seafood place"? Crap, a moment had passed. He needed to answer. "Greasy's Diner," was the answer he blurted out. There was a collective, disapproving murmur from the audience.

"Well, not the choice most would pick, but to be fair, did any of us expect a Pines to do things the acceptable way?" Northwest joked.

That got a laugh. Dipper's face got redder, both from embarrassment and indignation. The Pines weren't exactly normal, sure, but that didn't warrant being the butt of a joke. Still, he kept his mouth shut. He wasn't about to make a bigger fool of himself by arguing a joke.

"Now, that concludes the contest. Remember to celebrate the sacrifices made by our, but specifically my, ancestors to make such events possible!" Northwest continued, edging off the stage, clearly attempting to get everyone to leave.

"Hey!" one of the townspeople yelled. "We were promised a kiss!"

Dipper reeled back. They were promised a _what_?

"Yeah!" another one yelled."We want to see a kiss!"

Even Mayor Cutebiker got into it, starting a chant of "Kiss 'em! Kiss 'em!"

Dipper had thought this before, but the lengths to which these people would go to amuse themselves were truly terrifying.

"Well, looks like we can't get out of this one," Pacifica remarked. "Can't afford to lose the respect of the townspeople."

"We can afford to lose it and buy it back three times over, dear," Northwest stage-whispered. "I will not have my daughter be associated with the riff-raff."

"A penny saved is a penny earned, Dad," Pacifica recalled. She tried to get her little acts of rebellion in when she could. Granted, kissing Dipper wasn't really on her wishlist, but it's not like there were any negatives about it. He, unlike the rest of the guys her age, probably wouldn't expect much after it. "Let's get this over with, Pines."

"Fine, whatever," Dipper muttered. He was all for riling up Mr. Northwest, which he imagined was Pacifica's intention as well, but still, the situation was…

"Oh my god, you are _so_ embarrassed," Pacifica said, making no effort to hide the amusement in her voice. Getting one in on her dad and publicly humiliating Dipper. Pioneer day had done a total 180.

"Shut up," Dipper grumbled, leaning slightly forward and turning his cheek towards her. He looked at the sky above the audience, adamantly refusing to look at them.

Pacifica inwardly smiled. Such a gentleman. She gave him a quick peck on the cheek, to uproarious applause. These people really needed to find something to do with their lives. "That's all for Pioneer Day, everybody!" she cheered, resisting the urge to wipe her mouth. Dipper's face had been pretty dirty and very sweaty. "Thank you all for coming!"

Dipper almost flew off the stage in his efforts to get out of sight. His mind was whirring. What just happened? That had to have been some new form of torture, some elaborate prank Grunkle Stan concocted. He went walked behind the stage, hoping to take the side route back home and avoid seeing anyone, hopefully for the rest of his life. He suddenly felt an arm wrap around his shoulders. Well, that plan already failed. He looked over to see Brad's face staring at him. Oh sweet Moses he did not need to deal with this guy going off on him. Please anything but-

"I was wrong about you, Pines."

"What?" Dipper asked. The day refused to get less confusing.

"I respect you. You wanted to prove you were no pushover, not just another weirdo from the Shitty Shack, so you joined the contest. But you also didn't want to put another guy out, make a move on his girl. I mean, c'mon, a kiss on the cheek? Greasy's Diner? You're doing the bare minimum just to show you mean no harm. You don't take shit from anyone, but you don't start shit with anyone either. I like that about you, Pines."

"That really wasn't-"

Brad laughed, and jostled Dipper in a manner that seemed to denote they were much closer than they actually were. "You don't have to play dumb with me, man. I got you figured out! You're a real good guy, Pines."

"I mean thanks, but-"

"Hey, me and the guys are all hitting Yumberjack's right now, how about you come with? Introduce yourself, get to know people who don't spend their day making fake tourist traps?"

"I'm sure he'd love to," Pacifica's voice emanated from behind them. "But I need to have a discussion with Dipper about suitable venues for a date with a lady."

Brad whistled -Dipper would have preferred if it weren't directly into his ear- and winked at Dipper. "Looks like P's got you in the doghouse. Don't worry man, I'll put in a good word for you once she's simmered down a little." He clapped him on the shoulder and sauntered off.

"Don't call me P," Pacifica ordered.

He turned around to face them. "Sure thing, P," he called back, grinning like he had just said the funniest goddamn thing.

Dipper watched, awestruck, as he turned the corner. He couldn't afford to ruminate on what went on in Brad's head though. He turned around to face Pacifica. "Look, uh- I'm not, I didn't mean to-"

"Oh, trust me, I gathered. You looked like you swallowed a goldfish when you found out the prize. I was hoping I could ask you about that. How and why did you enter a competition without even knowing what the prize was? The fliers are all over town."

"I didn't even know about the contest until-" He stopped. A giant mental gong had just been rung in his head. "Excuse me for a moment."

Dipper immediately set off at a brisk pace towards the now dispersing crowd. Pacifica, very surprised by his sudden change in demeanor, set off after him. "What are you doing? We're still talking."

"Gotta check something real quick," Dipper replied, scanning the street. "Let me know if you see Candy or Grenda."

"Why on Earth would Mabel's friends be here?"

"Because Mabel's working on a commission today, so she can't be here."

"Okay, why does one of them have to be here?"

"Because-" Dipper stopped when he spotted Candy making her way up the street. And she was on her phone. Dipper picked up his pace, getting angrier and angrier as the pieces fell into place. Pacifica kept pace behind him, feeling extremely bemused. First of all, Dipper was ignoring her. Nobody ignored her. Secondly, the last time she had seen Dipper this angry was when she had tricked him into getting rid of their ghost. It honestly made her a little worried.

Dipper walked up to Candy. "Hey, Candy."

Candy jumped and hurriedly shoved her phone in her pocket. Clearly she was not one for espionage.

"H-hey, Dipper," she stammered. "What a surprise to see you here."

"Somehow I doubt that," Dipper responded. "What's up with your phone?"

"Oh you know, uhm, just, very protective of it. Privacy is important in this age of information."

"You are absolutely right," Dipper agreed, glaring at her. "Privacy is _very_ important."

He continued to glare at her as she got increasingly uncomfortable. After a few moments, she cracked.

"I'm sorry!" she squeaked. "I already sent it to Mabel!"

"God dammit!" Dipper cursed, immediately sprinting off towards the hill.

"Dipper!" Pacifica called after him.

"Sorry!" he called back. "No time to explain! Talk later!"

Candy chuckled awkwardly. "Yes, no time indeed. Well it was lovely to see you, I think I shall take my leave as well."

"Yeah, no," Pacifica responded, stretching out her hand. "Show me what's on your phone."

"I do not have to," Candy said. "You are not the law."

Pacifica smiled a very dangerous smile. "Candy, we both know that's really not true. Now, if you want to enjoy the rest of high school, let me see what got Dipper so worked up."

Candy resignedly pulled out her phone and opened the lock, handing it to Pacifica. Pacifica grabbed it, looked at it it, and... it was a picture of her kissing Dipper on the cheek.

"Candy," Pacifica said, voice suddenly venomous. "Why do you have a picture of this?"

"Mabel asked me to take it!"

"And why would Mabel want it?"

"She secretly believes you two could date and wanted to get started on scrapbook opportunities!" Candy continued. She probably shouldn't be saying all this, but Pacifica was not to be trifled with.

Pacifica contemplated that information. That was certainly a surprise. Mabel had always been a matchmaker, but her and Dipper? Come to think of it, Mabel had been mentioning Dipper a lot more in conversation. And had a keen interest in her love life. They needed to have a talk about that. First thing's first though. "Candy, you are going to delete that picture. You are going to delete the message you sent of that picture. And I really don't think I have to say this, but if I see that photo anywhere ever again, I will personally make sure your life is an absolute nightmare. Am I clear?"

"C-crystal."

"Excellent. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be returning to my home in order to give your boss a piece of my mind as well." Pacifica strode off. Candy watched her go, releasing her held breath. She honestly had no idea those two could be so scary.

* * *

"I can't believe I trusted you! After all the time we've been together, you're just going to manipulate me like that?! What's wrong with you? Don't you have any shame?!"

The brunette merely sat in silence, absorbing the anger with which the other spoke.

"Grunkle Stan, I really don't think the documentary can hear you."

"It doesn't have to, Dipper! It knows what it did!"

Dipper and Grunkle Stan were seated in the living room, Stan angrily glaring at the credits of his nature documentary and Dipper finalizing the notes on the Lilliputtians. "And, uh, what did it do exactly?"

"Three hours, Dipper. I watched a documentary on the rainforest for three God-forsaken hours and not one thing, one single thing, got eaten! How can they get away with that?"

"Seriously? Everything in the rainforest has a mouth. How did they not get something being eaten?"

"I mean, even if ya can't find anything natural, throw the boom guy into a giant Venus flytrap or somethin'! You gotta improvise! It's one of the golden rules of entertainment! Amateurs."

"I really don't think they would be willing to murder someone for the sake of five seconds of violent amusement, especially since documentaries aren't really focused on entertainment value."

"Everything's focused on entertainment value, Dipper. In this fancy new age of having every little thing at your fingertips, there's no audience in having something that's interesting or factual. You gotta keep 'em hooked with something they can't see anywhere else, something unique. I figured these clowns would at least know that! Ugh, can't believe I wasted three hours learning things."

"You never cease to surprise me, Grunkle Stan."

"Of course not, that's why I'm still the biggest thing in Oregon," Stan replied with no hesitation. "Speaking of surprising, though, what had you so steamed when you got back earlier?"

"Oh, that?" Dipper said. "Remember when Mabel tricked you into climbing the water tower?"

"Hard to forget."

"Yeah, she tried to do a similar thing with me today. Didn't go quite as well."

"Ah, gotcha. You guys, uh, you guys doin' alright?"

"Well, she promised not to make me do things without me at least knowing what they are, and she properly explained her reasoning behind why she did it, so, y'know, the issue's pretty resolved."

"Good," Stan replied, relieved. "Between you and me, I was kind of worried that you two would go down the 'me and Ford' route."

"We're trying our best to avoid that as much as we can," Dipper acknowledged. "Still, it gets harder and harder."

"Course it does," Stan replied. "You're two different people, getting more and more different everyday. People change every day. Three hours ago, we both believed that nature documentaries still had the common decency to make sure something would get eaten by the end. Mabel and Ford still have that belief. Do we let Mabel and Ford's faith in the film industry convince us it deserves a second chance? Do we show them how naive they are? Do we simply agree that everyone has different opinions, and carry on with our lives? Or do we bottle up our resentment over this difference until we accidentally banish them to a different dimension for 30-odd years? That's the decision that really matters. Not how different your opinions on nature documentaries are, but how you bridge that difference."

"You're really pushing the nature documentary analogy, huh?"

"I spent three goddamn hours watching it. I'm gonna make it useful for something."

They sat in silence for a moment, Dipper contemplating what was said, Stan flipping through the channels. "Thanks, Grunkle Stan."

"No problem. You know I want the best for you two, right?"

"Yeah, I know."

"Great. Now go build yourself some character. The giant bat's under the sink again."

Dipper sighed and closed his journal. He was pretty much done anyway. "Yeah, sure thing."

Stan flipped through the channels as Dipper crossed his field of view. He watched through his peripheral as Dipper entered the kitchen. Three, two, one…

"AAAAGGH! WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME IT HAD BABIES DOWN HERE!? AND WHY ARE THEY EVEN MORE AGGRESSIVE?!"

Stan grinned to himself. He wasn't about to let the kid know how much he actually loved him. That, and hearing him freak out was pretty hilarious.

"HOW ARE THEIR TEETH THIS SHARP?!"

* * *

 **To: Mabel**

 **6/15/16 5:22 PM**

 **Pacifica:** _So I have a variety of requests for you._

 **Mabel:** _Hit me._

 **P:** _1) Don't try to hook me up with your brother. 2) Get lackeys that can actually keep a secret. 3) Delete that picture._

 **M:** _1) No, the 1st Amendment protects me on this. 2) Also no, Candy tried her best and that's what matters, and 3) Why?_

 **P:** _I have an image and reputation to uphold, and a picture of me kissing a random guy is not conducive to either of those things._

 **M:** _It's not like I was gonna post it where anyone could see it. I was just going to keep it for my scrapbook and then if you two ever got married, I would put it in a slideshow at your reception and label it "Their first kiss" and everyone would go "Awww" and it would be great._

 **P:** _I feel like it isn't normal to have fantasies about your friends marrying your brother. Why do you even want this to happen so badly?_

 **M:** _You two are so grumpy all the time, but then, when you're with each other, you're usually not grumpy, so, I'm just trying to make you as not grumpy as possible._

 **P:** _I'm not grumpy when I'm with you, either, but that doesn't mean we should start playing for the other team._

 **M:** _OF course you're not grumpy when you're with me. No one is. I'm walking, talking joy. But you guys specifically make each other not grumpy, and then I'm free to make someone else not grumpy. You guys getting together would literally ensure maximum happiness. Doesn't that sound awesome?_

 **P:** _Or I could find a form of inner peace that doesn't rely on someone else._

 **M:** _Look, Pacifica, you need somebody. Everyone needs somebody. Somebody to trust yourself with. Somebody who can help you lift the weight of the world. They don't have to be romantically involved. But they do have to be there. And trust me on this, Dipper is pretty good at being that somebody._

 **P:** _You got really serious really fast._

* * *

 **AN: Wow, it has been a full year. That's... that's not great. I apologize for the long hiatus. Been dealing with life stuff, been writing a bunch of other stuff, and been trying to outline this stuff, so that I know where everything's going. Well, after a year, I've got my life figured out enough that I'm confident in starting this up again. I've got a plan, got a schedule, and most importantly, got this chapter out. Now things can really get going. Next time, we have Dipper and Pacifica's not-a-date. So stay tooned for that! It feels really good to type that again.**


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